Remember this post? The one about the Locum Physician who lost it on me and in the end was going to fax a referral to the obstetrician who delivered Mikail so we could possibly check out whether there was too much damage done to my uterus to have another baby? Well...
Yesterday I happened to be at the clinic and mentioned to Dorothy (my favourite lady there) that it's been over two months since that appointment and I have not heard from Dr. Barreth, the obstetrician. Would they be able to check into it? Dorothy's face fell when she asked whether that appointment had been with Dr. Malik and I said, yes. She opened up my file and a slew of swears came out of her mouth in a whisper. I knew it. He never sent out the referral. He said he would. He didn't. I wasn't surprised. Dorothy didn't seem to be either.
Because we don't know if and when Dr. Langer will be back Dorothy highly recommended that we find a doctor in Grande Prairie and suggested that we try out an amazing Locum Physician who had been in for Dr. Langer in July. This doctor is starting out his practice in town and may just take us on and then we could see him about the referral. So, that is what we are going to do. We will sorely miss Dr. Langer, but need better care than this sporadic whack-a-do care we've gotten these past 8 months that he has been away.
Now we have a plan.
It's good to have a plan.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Victim vs. Victor
At the beginning of May I went to the doctor because I was a little worried about this whole 'baby making thing'. I am aware that 80% of couples trying to conceive do so within a year and we've only been trying for six months. Because of the circumstances around Mikail's birth I was told that there was quite a bit of damage done to my uterus during the c-section where they had to pull Mikail out of the birth canal. It would be a wait and see game as to how I would heal etc.
I was also having a hard time losing the last 20 lbs of pregnancy weight and it was pretty much 12 months since I had given birth, so the doctor who was in for Dr. Langer (he is on medical leave) had a whole bunch of blood and urine tests run on me to make sure I don't have a post-pregnancy thyroid problem, which would answer the weight issue and then that would lead to a trying to conceive issue.
So, this past Friday I went in for a review of the test results. I had met this doctor before. He was the one who called for the blood and urine tests. I thought it would be pretty routine. I wasn't worried. When the doctor came into the room he asked what he could do for me. I explained about the test results and also wondered whether I might have my uterus checked just to be sure. In a very curt tone he said that he can't do that testing for me. Okay. Well, how do I go about it then? I would need a referral to an obstetrician/gynecologist. Who did the delivery? I explained and he said he would write up a referral. I asked whether it might be a better idea for me to have a referral to a different doctor, considering all that happened with the birth. I explained that I am not out to blame this doctor, I am just surprised at the disconnect there seems to be when a baby is delivered. He had no idea of the trauma caused to Mikail. Mostly I have not fully dealt with this part of the journey and am not sure that continuing on with this doctor would be in the best interest of my emotional well-being. I was very nice about it all, repeating over and over that I am not blaming this doctor. The situation is what it is.
Well, the doctor completely lost it on me. Went on a tirade. Up until this point I had been able to keep my emotions under control. I got a bit teary, but nothing huge. This is, however, when I started to cry. Bawl. Ugly cry and pretty much sob. He blew up at me saying that the obstetrician did everything correctly procedurally. (I'm not arguing that) Is our son healthy? (Yes. We deal with therapies and appointments a lot, but his progress is blowing the medical community away. We are blessed). Well, then I need to check your perspective on life. (WHAT? This was when I started to ugly cry and think to myself: I have worked sohard at my perspective on life this past year and I feel it has been pretty damn positive considering all that has happened). He continued on: There are many women in their early 40s who have tried to get pregnant for 20 years and would be happy and lucky to hold your little boy in their arms and call him their own. (Huhh? More thoughts in my head: When did I say I didn't want to hold my precious baby or am not thankful or blessed every moment of my life to have this miracle in my life?). He kept going and by this time I am sobbing and feeling like a complete, ungrateful, failure of a person and mother. Finally he stopped and asked, So, what can I do for you?
WELL...I am not about to leave this office feeling like an ungrateful, failure of a person and mother. Nor am I going to allow this insensitive substitute-doctor talk to me in this way. So, I let him know that, first of all, I did not come to this appointment to be talked down to or judged. He does not know the whole story of the past year and has no clue as to my perspective on life. Second of all, I didn't ask for fertility testing. I know that it is too early in the game to go that route and I honestly don't think it is necessary at this point. I came for the test results and am grateful they are all normal. I came because I had been told that there could be extensive damage done to my uterus and that it might have to be checked out. Clearly the obstetrician who did my c-section knows my history the best so I will deal with some of this stuff on my own and go and see him, which might be a good thing anyhow. Who knows.
After I was done my little speech, he completely back-tracked and apologized (twice) for his tirade. I asked that the referral be done and made my way to the bathroom so I could sob in privacy before driving home.
I had refused to leave that exam room feeling like a victim. Although deeply hurt and looking a mess, I left feeling somewhat victorious.
I was also having a hard time losing the last 20 lbs of pregnancy weight and it was pretty much 12 months since I had given birth, so the doctor who was in for Dr. Langer (he is on medical leave) had a whole bunch of blood and urine tests run on me to make sure I don't have a post-pregnancy thyroid problem, which would answer the weight issue and then that would lead to a trying to conceive issue.
So, this past Friday I went in for a review of the test results. I had met this doctor before. He was the one who called for the blood and urine tests. I thought it would be pretty routine. I wasn't worried. When the doctor came into the room he asked what he could do for me. I explained about the test results and also wondered whether I might have my uterus checked just to be sure. In a very curt tone he said that he can't do that testing for me. Okay. Well, how do I go about it then? I would need a referral to an obstetrician/gynecologist. Who did the delivery? I explained and he said he would write up a referral. I asked whether it might be a better idea for me to have a referral to a different doctor, considering all that happened with the birth. I explained that I am not out to blame this doctor, I am just surprised at the disconnect there seems to be when a baby is delivered. He had no idea of the trauma caused to Mikail. Mostly I have not fully dealt with this part of the journey and am not sure that continuing on with this doctor would be in the best interest of my emotional well-being. I was very nice about it all, repeating over and over that I am not blaming this doctor. The situation is what it is.
Well, the doctor completely lost it on me. Went on a tirade. Up until this point I had been able to keep my emotions under control. I got a bit teary, but nothing huge. This is, however, when I started to cry. Bawl. Ugly cry and pretty much sob. He blew up at me saying that the obstetrician did everything correctly procedurally. (I'm not arguing that) Is our son healthy? (Yes. We deal with therapies and appointments a lot, but his progress is blowing the medical community away. We are blessed). Well, then I need to check your perspective on life. (WHAT? This was when I started to ugly cry and think to myself: I have worked sohard at my perspective on life this past year and I feel it has been pretty damn positive considering all that has happened). He continued on: There are many women in their early 40s who have tried to get pregnant for 20 years and would be happy and lucky to hold your little boy in their arms and call him their own. (Huhh? More thoughts in my head: When did I say I didn't want to hold my precious baby or am not thankful or blessed every moment of my life to have this miracle in my life?). He kept going and by this time I am sobbing and feeling like a complete, ungrateful, failure of a person and mother. Finally he stopped and asked, So, what can I do for you?
WELL...I am not about to leave this office feeling like an ungrateful, failure of a person and mother. Nor am I going to allow this insensitive substitute-doctor talk to me in this way. So, I let him know that, first of all, I did not come to this appointment to be talked down to or judged. He does not know the whole story of the past year and has no clue as to my perspective on life. Second of all, I didn't ask for fertility testing. I know that it is too early in the game to go that route and I honestly don't think it is necessary at this point. I came for the test results and am grateful they are all normal. I came because I had been told that there could be extensive damage done to my uterus and that it might have to be checked out. Clearly the obstetrician who did my c-section knows my history the best so I will deal with some of this stuff on my own and go and see him, which might be a good thing anyhow. Who knows.
After I was done my little speech, he completely back-tracked and apologized (twice) for his tirade. I asked that the referral be done and made my way to the bathroom so I could sob in privacy before driving home.
I had refused to leave that exam room feeling like a victim. Although deeply hurt and looking a mess, I left feeling somewhat victorious.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
And...I'm back...
I haven't posted on here for about a year, but we have been back in the {from here} part of {from here to maternity} for five months now.
I don't know how people do it for years and years. This trying to conceive thing. This fertility thing. Five months is long enough for me.
After our first miscarriage we waited nine months until we started trying to conceive. Everything fell into place the second month of trying. It was easy. And the Shettles Method even worked for us. This time around it's been much more difficult. We tried doing the basal body temperature thing again, but with having to get up with M at night, the temperatures were not reliable at all. So, we tried the Ovulation Predictor Kit for one month. Worked great for predicting, but nothing 'stuck' and we can't afford an OPK every month. This last month we just baby danced every other day and guess what?
I got a positive home pregnancy test!!
Hurray, for 2 days!! I say, for 2 days because then I started spotting and am definitely in the middle of an early miscarriage right now. Same headaches, nausea, cramping and loss of blood/clots as the first miscarriage I had.
UGH.
In the beginning of this month I went to the doctor. I say 'THE' doctor because, unfortunately my ueber amazing and fantastic doctor is on extended medical leave, so we get 'whoever is on' at the time. So, I went to the doctor and told the story of not having trouble conceiving Mikail. I told him about the difficult birth and how the obstetrician said that a lot of damage had been done to my uterus and birth canal when they had to pull Mikail out of the birth canal during the emergency c-section. I told him how I can't seem to lose weight after Mikail's birth and wonder whether my thyroid is whacked out (although now after being on Weight Watchers for two months, I have lost 10 lbs--hurray). I told him how my cycle has been back since Mikail was 3 months old and how we have been trying for baby #2 for five months with no luck. The doctor was very attentive and said we would start with running blood and urine tests to check everything out. So that is what we did.
I called the doctor's office today and asked whether any results are back. They checked and said that everything that is back is normal, but they aren't sure what else may have been sent to the lab in Edmonton. So, I told her that I think I am in the middle of a miscarriage but don't want to see the doctor just yet because all they will do is send me for more blood tests and a possible sonogram or ultrasound and it's pointless. It just plays with my heart and soul and emotions even more. Last time, that was the hardest part. I just want nature to run its course and if in a week I am still not back to normal then I'll see the doctor.
So, right now I have an appointment to see the doctor in the middle of June and we'll see what the next steps are. I have a feeling he will send me for an ultrasound to see whether there was too much damage done to my uterus for a little bean to be able to stick.
I hate that the nightmare of that c-section isn't over. I worked hard these past 12 months to wrap my mind around everything that happened, but now it seems there might be more for me to wrap my mind around.
I just want the chance for Mikail to have a little brother or sister. After that I am fine if the factory has to be shut down permanently.
So, it seems that I am back to {from here to maternity}.
I don't know how people do it for years and years. This trying to conceive thing. This fertility thing. Five months is long enough for me.
After our first miscarriage we waited nine months until we started trying to conceive. Everything fell into place the second month of trying. It was easy. And the Shettles Method even worked for us. This time around it's been much more difficult. We tried doing the basal body temperature thing again, but with having to get up with M at night, the temperatures were not reliable at all. So, we tried the Ovulation Predictor Kit for one month. Worked great for predicting, but nothing 'stuck' and we can't afford an OPK every month. This last month we just baby danced every other day and guess what?
I got a positive home pregnancy test!!
Hurray, for 2 days!! I say, for 2 days because then I started spotting and am definitely in the middle of an early miscarriage right now. Same headaches, nausea, cramping and loss of blood/clots as the first miscarriage I had.
UGH.
In the beginning of this month I went to the doctor. I say 'THE' doctor because, unfortunately my ueber amazing and fantastic doctor is on extended medical leave, so we get 'whoever is on' at the time. So, I went to the doctor and told the story of not having trouble conceiving Mikail. I told him about the difficult birth and how the obstetrician said that a lot of damage had been done to my uterus and birth canal when they had to pull Mikail out of the birth canal during the emergency c-section. I told him how I can't seem to lose weight after Mikail's birth and wonder whether my thyroid is whacked out (although now after being on Weight Watchers for two months, I have lost 10 lbs--hurray). I told him how my cycle has been back since Mikail was 3 months old and how we have been trying for baby #2 for five months with no luck. The doctor was very attentive and said we would start with running blood and urine tests to check everything out. So that is what we did.
I called the doctor's office today and asked whether any results are back. They checked and said that everything that is back is normal, but they aren't sure what else may have been sent to the lab in Edmonton. So, I told her that I think I am in the middle of a miscarriage but don't want to see the doctor just yet because all they will do is send me for more blood tests and a possible sonogram or ultrasound and it's pointless. It just plays with my heart and soul and emotions even more. Last time, that was the hardest part. I just want nature to run its course and if in a week I am still not back to normal then I'll see the doctor.
So, right now I have an appointment to see the doctor in the middle of June and we'll see what the next steps are. I have a feeling he will send me for an ultrasound to see whether there was too much damage done to my uterus for a little bean to be able to stick.
I hate that the nightmare of that c-section isn't over. I worked hard these past 12 months to wrap my mind around everything that happened, but now it seems there might be more for me to wrap my mind around.
I just want the chance for Mikail to have a little brother or sister. After that I am fine if the factory has to be shut down permanently.
So, it seems that I am back to {from here to maternity}.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
New Blog
Originally I had decided to make my next blog private, but I like things simple and signing in every time is far from simple with the way I have chosen to have my blogger account, so I've thrown that idea out after a week or so of frustration with it all. Here is the link to my new blog: Click HERE.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
What Now?
So, what have the past number of weeks been like since we continued this journey with Mikail at home?
Medication:
Because Mikail had seizures right after birth, he is on an anti seizure medication (phenobarbital) that is administered daily. At first it was administered at 10 p.m. but we felt that the medication bothered his stomach so he was fussy at night time, not allowing us to sleep much. This in turn was affecting my own healing process because I was not getting the rest I needed. So, under doctor supervision we changed the administration of his meds to 9 a.m. and find that dealing with his fussy time during the day is so much easier and I am feeling a whole lot better too. It means I have to deal with his fussiness alone because Jason is at work, but in reality it is not that difficult now that it is during the day. Changing the administration time also means that during the week I am the only one there to administer the meds and as he gets older, he gets stronger and smarter. So, he has been fighting back and has learned to clamp his mouth shut when the syringe comes his way. Smart little guy.
Being on this medication also means that he has to be weighed weekly and his blood levels checked bi-weekly. As he gains weight he has to be given more medication and then his blood also has to be checked for levels since the meds can be toxic if too much is given. So, every other week we drive out to our hospital and have his blood taken and weight checked. Then the following week we take him to the Health Centre here in town to be weighed and I call in his weight and meds are changed if needed.
By 3-6 months of age we are hoping he is able to come off the medication. If he has no seizures without the medication we know that his brain has healed. There is a possibility that the seizures will continue and this would then most likely mean a diagnosis of epilepsy. We will cross that bridge if and when we come to it.
Appointments:
Since our return from the Stollery Children's Hospital we have discovered that we are very well taken care of and being followed very carefully. We will have a follow up appointment with our neurologist at the Stollery in August. We will also have an appointment at the Rehab Clinic at the 6-8 month stage of things. Currently we see our family doctor and the pediatrician who have referred us to Occupational Therapy (O.T.) and Physiotherapy (P.T). Today was our first O.T. and P.T. appointment and it went really well. He was carefully checked over and observed and I was given physio exercises to do with him on a daily basis to strengthen his right side. Most of them we were already doing just in the way we play with him, so that was kind of neat to find out. We will go back in a month to get the next set of developmental exercises. I was so impressed with the compassion and care of the Physiotherapist and the Occupational Therapist. This will all be a good thing. Other than this we are on a few waiting lists for a few more programs that will help support us as we give Mikail the absolute best we possibly can to give him as 'normal' a future as possible.
My Healing Heart:
This is an ongoing thing. I think I am doing great and then someone with great compassion will ask 'How are YOU doing in this all? Do you have a support system in place?' and I burst into tears. And this too is a good thing. It is part of the journey. So, when the question is asked I explain that I am doing good and this is true. Yes, I have my moments and really have to work on my thought patterns so I don't go down the road of 'self blame' or dwelling on the 'why?' of it all. Considering everything I am doing really well and loving every moment of being a Mama to this little miracle...yes even those night time feedings and awake times when seemingly everyone else in the world is enjoying sleep. I choose to enjoy those moments, because, to put it simply, I am blessed to have them. I am blessed to have this little angel in my arms. I cannot imagine the alternative of having an empty baby room and rocking in the rocking chair with empty arms. My heart aches for the Mamas who have to go through that. So, when I wake up to Mikail's cries and wish I could go back to sleep and have a solid night's sleep, I quickly remember how blessed we are to be able to hear his cries at night and be able to get up with him and feed and change him in the wee hours of the night.
What Now?
The title of this blog is {from here to maternity} and it seems this is the place where {here} and {maternity} meet and turn into {life after maternity}, so this just may be my last post...until perhaps we find the road to maternity again. Until then...it's been an amazing ride and I look forward to continuing this journey at a new blog. I have chosen to make that blog password accessible only for now, so if you follow this blog and would like to follow the next one, please let me know and I will send you and invite.
Medication:
Because Mikail had seizures right after birth, he is on an anti seizure medication (phenobarbital) that is administered daily. At first it was administered at 10 p.m. but we felt that the medication bothered his stomach so he was fussy at night time, not allowing us to sleep much. This in turn was affecting my own healing process because I was not getting the rest I needed. So, under doctor supervision we changed the administration of his meds to 9 a.m. and find that dealing with his fussy time during the day is so much easier and I am feeling a whole lot better too. It means I have to deal with his fussiness alone because Jason is at work, but in reality it is not that difficult now that it is during the day. Changing the administration time also means that during the week I am the only one there to administer the meds and as he gets older, he gets stronger and smarter. So, he has been fighting back and has learned to clamp his mouth shut when the syringe comes his way. Smart little guy.
Being on this medication also means that he has to be weighed weekly and his blood levels checked bi-weekly. As he gains weight he has to be given more medication and then his blood also has to be checked for levels since the meds can be toxic if too much is given. So, every other week we drive out to our hospital and have his blood taken and weight checked. Then the following week we take him to the Health Centre here in town to be weighed and I call in his weight and meds are changed if needed.
By 3-6 months of age we are hoping he is able to come off the medication. If he has no seizures without the medication we know that his brain has healed. There is a possibility that the seizures will continue and this would then most likely mean a diagnosis of epilepsy. We will cross that bridge if and when we come to it.
Appointments:
Since our return from the Stollery Children's Hospital we have discovered that we are very well taken care of and being followed very carefully. We will have a follow up appointment with our neurologist at the Stollery in August. We will also have an appointment at the Rehab Clinic at the 6-8 month stage of things. Currently we see our family doctor and the pediatrician who have referred us to Occupational Therapy (O.T.) and Physiotherapy (P.T). Today was our first O.T. and P.T. appointment and it went really well. He was carefully checked over and observed and I was given physio exercises to do with him on a daily basis to strengthen his right side. Most of them we were already doing just in the way we play with him, so that was kind of neat to find out. We will go back in a month to get the next set of developmental exercises. I was so impressed with the compassion and care of the Physiotherapist and the Occupational Therapist. This will all be a good thing. Other than this we are on a few waiting lists for a few more programs that will help support us as we give Mikail the absolute best we possibly can to give him as 'normal' a future as possible.
My Healing Heart:
This is an ongoing thing. I think I am doing great and then someone with great compassion will ask 'How are YOU doing in this all? Do you have a support system in place?' and I burst into tears. And this too is a good thing. It is part of the journey. So, when the question is asked I explain that I am doing good and this is true. Yes, I have my moments and really have to work on my thought patterns so I don't go down the road of 'self blame' or dwelling on the 'why?' of it all. Considering everything I am doing really well and loving every moment of being a Mama to this little miracle...yes even those night time feedings and awake times when seemingly everyone else in the world is enjoying sleep. I choose to enjoy those moments, because, to put it simply, I am blessed to have them. I am blessed to have this little angel in my arms. I cannot imagine the alternative of having an empty baby room and rocking in the rocking chair with empty arms. My heart aches for the Mamas who have to go through that. So, when I wake up to Mikail's cries and wish I could go back to sleep and have a solid night's sleep, I quickly remember how blessed we are to be able to hear his cries at night and be able to get up with him and feed and change him in the wee hours of the night.
What Now?
The title of this blog is {from here to maternity} and it seems this is the place where {here} and {maternity} meet and turn into {life after maternity}, so this just may be my last post...until perhaps we find the road to maternity again. Until then...it's been an amazing ride and I look forward to continuing this journey at a new blog. I have chosen to make that blog password accessible only for now, so if you follow this blog and would like to follow the next one, please let me know and I will send you and invite.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Journey Continues: Stollery Children's Hospital NICU
May 13, 2010
The drive to Edmonton was filled with much quiet time, some tears, and lots of talking and praying. You do not realize how bumpy even a highway is until you are healing from surgery. It took us a bit longer to get there than usual--due to the slowing down for all the bumps we had not noticed as much on prior trips to the big city.
When we got to the University of Alberta, we had to find parking and realized that the walk from the parkade to the Stollery was quite the trek for the Mama who had recently given birth. We had imagined that we would have to get a hotel near the hospital and I was already dreading the many walks we would have to make from the parkade to the NICU.
When we finally arrived at the NICU, after asking for directions many times, we found our precious baby contently at his station:
He had been really hungry upon arrival and had consumed all of the milk I had expressed plus some formula. Poor little guy hadn't been allowed to eat before the flight or during the flight since they were afraid the turbulence would cause him to throw up. He had, however, made the flight just fine. Brave little guy. When they arrived, he was immediately put under the Billy Lamp (photo therapy for jaundice) and we cherished the moments where we could hold and cuddle him when he wasn't under the lamp. Here Daddy is talking to our little man, telling him how special and brave and amazing he is, after we arrived:
That worry I had about having to find a hotel to stay at was immediately taken care of. Mikail's nurse heard our story and realized that I had just had a cesarean birth and was still in quite a bit of pain, so she advocated for us to get a 'parent room' right on the ward. She suggested we not talk about it too much because normally parents are only allowed to stay in a parent room for one night, but with the weekend coming, we just had to make sure the social worker didn't hear about it the next day and we should be able to make it through the weekend by staying right there with Mikail. The room we got only had a single bed and a rocking chair, but we had brought some blankets, asked for a few more and made a make-shift bed on the floor for Jason. Not the best accommodations, but we were able to stay at the hospital with Mikail--a blessing. The next day we were moved into a bigger room where we at least each got a mattress.
May 14, 2010
Being able to stay right at the hospital meant that I could nurse Mikail. This was a blessing, yet a challenge, because at the QEII in Grande Prairie we were put on a feeding schedule for Mikail that worked really well. Here, anytime he made a peep they called me to feed him--feeding on demand. It was stressful and did not work. Just because he was making a peep didn't mean he was hungry and then the challenge of getting a good latch was just made even more difficult, leaving me in a lot of pain and Mikail frustrated. Then the nurses kept saying that if he didn't latch within five minutes we should give him formula. My Mama heart did not believe this was the right thing to do, so many tears followed. Finally after many frustrating, unsuccessful feeds we were able to tell the nurse that yes, most babies do well with "feed on demand" but ours was put on a schedule and this had worked in Grande Prairie. Could we not just try it for a bit and see what happened? She reluctantly agreed and guess what? IT WORKED. So we were back on feeding every 3 hours and I also pumped to try to get my milk to come in more. This also allowed Jason to take a night time feeding, which was important to him--the bonding it brought. This also allowed me to get some much needed sleep.
In the morning, we met with the pediatrician and were told that the CT scan from Grande Prairie also showed a hairline fracture on Mikail's skull. WHAT? Why were we not told this? And why did a nurse mention this to us the day before (leaving us shocked) before the doctor did? More and more we were believing and finding out that Mikail's seizures were not caused in-utero. More and more we were believing that something happened during the long labour and birth to cause something that made him have seizures. The pediatrician said that the fracture was most likely caused by Mikail's head being forced up against my pelvis during the pushing stage--since he was twisted and "sunny side up" it would make sense that he was wedged up against my pelvis. It could also be that the force of the vacuum suction caused Mikail's head to be forced up against my pelvis, causing the fracture. Two options or a combination of the two...but definitely nothing to do with anything during the pregnancy. Of course this would have to be confirmed by Grande Prairie who was being instructed to look at my placenta (we later found out from our family doctor that my placenta was normal and nothing in-utero caused these complications).
As we met with the pediatrician he informed us that he did not believe that the MRI would happen at all. WHAT? Wasn't this why we were being sent to Edmonton in the first place? Jason was okay with this...we didn't 'need' to know details--we would deal with what came when it came. I, on the other hand remained quiet, pleading in my heart and soul with God to somehow allow this MRI to take place. I needed answers. I needed to know what we were going to be dealing with in the future. I needed to know what I as his Mama could do to help him reach his potential. Just as I was silently pleading with God, a neurologist came by and said that we were up next for an MRI--as in 'get this baby downstairs NOW'. Talk about a quick answer to a Mama's pleading heart. The reason we were sent to Edmonton for the MRI is that in Grande Prairie they don't sedate for MRIs and an infant has to be sedated. The nurse quickly fed Mikail some formula while Jason and I filled out forms and we later found out that they didn't even need to sedate Mikail for the MRI...he slept through the whole thing. Another God moment...how our little man slept through an MRI that sounds like jack hammers next to your ears, is incomprehensible--definitely a God thing (and yes his hearing is fine...he passed the hearing screening before we left Grande Prairie).
While Mikail was having the MRI done, I had to go and "pump" because I had just missed Mikail's feeding since they had to hurry him to the MRI. There was a "pumping room" right on the ward. How strange it is to sit in a room with two other women and have each a contraption attached to your boobs that is expressing milk. Do you bring something to cover yourself? Do you talk? Do you keep your eyes averted? Do you engage in conversation? Do you ask about their child in the NICU? I never did find out what the "pumping room etiquette" was. When I was finished in the "pumping room" I returned to our room to find worship music quietly playing and Jason down on his knees, praying for our precious little boy and meditating on this scripture: But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Malachi 4:2. Seeing my big, strong, husband down on his knees pleading with God to heal our son also brought me to my knees and right there on the floor of our little room we wept, pleading with God to heal our son, through tears trying to sing the lyrics of the songs playing on the iPod.
Somewhere in this time I needed to find something to eat. Jason was fasting (I obviously couldn't join him because I needed to keep my milk supply up) and said he needed to stay and keep praying, so I went alone. When I returned I found him standing in our room with his face and hands toward heaven, tears streaming down his face, singing praises to our God. I needed the strength he was showing and wrapped my arms around him hoping I would feel some of his strength. We remained there, slow dancing and singing along to the music on the iPod until the phone rang and we found out that Mikail was back. We quickly offered one last prayer to our Heavenly Father and went to be with our son.
The neurologist and his team looked at the MRI immediately and in no time we were meeting with the neurologist. What we learned from him and what we got as Mikail's prognosis in Grande Prairie were two completely different stories. The neurologist informed us that the MRI showed that Mikail had a stroke, most likely during labour and delivery, but an echo would have to be done on his heart to make sure the clot didn't come from a defect in his heart. This stroke then caused the seizures. The stroke affected three parts of Mikail's brain:
1. One very small part of the front right side of the brain which will never affect him.
2. One larger part of the front left of the brain which might affect his peripheral vision and it might not.
3. The largest affected area was the back left of the brain, which will most likely affect his right hand motor skills.
The first part we don't have to worry about. The second part which might affect his vision, is quite doable. He will have his vision checked in a few months and glasses are always an option. When talking about the third affected area, the neurologist said that if you're going to have a stroke, the best time to have it is as a newborn, because the brain can heal itself or create new pathways to compensate for damage done. So, it might do that, or he will just automatically be a 'lefty' with a dominant right hand. None the less, we will start physio on his right hand in the next couple of months to try to strengthen his motor skills in that area.
Can you imagine our gratefulness when we heard this news? It was so far from what we had heard in Grande Prairie. When the neurologist said that he thought that by the time Mikail is 2 years old no one will know that he ever had a stroke, I couldn't stop the tears that were brimming the whole time. The next step was to have an echo done on his heart and an ultrasound done of his brain to try to see what the cause of the stroke was. We would have to wait on these tests until Monday though.
May 15 & 16, 2010
We returned to our room and spent some time in prayer of thanksgiving to God for this amazing news. While we were in our room, some special paper work was completed and Mikail was allowed to 'room in' with us. Which means that he would get a normal bassinet and he would stay with us in our room for the weekend. Before most feedings we had to bring him to his station in the NICU and have his vitals checked. We were even able to take him off the ward and walk the hospital halls with him or take him to lunch or dinner with us. If we preferred we could also leave him at his station and take a break and his nurse would watch him. So our Saturday and Sunday were filled with mini outings walking the hospital floors with Mikail and just hanging out waiting for Monday. Here are Mikail and I hanging out in our 'parent room':
May 17, 2010
This was a looooong day of waiting and not knowing whether Mikail would get the tests done that he needed to have done. Jason and I were both completely ready to go home and had been told that we would most likely be discharged by late afternoon. The tests were completed by this time, but the neurology team was not going to come up to the NICU this day after all. Let's just say we were beyond disappointed. We had to stay another night to wait for a consult with the neurologists.
May 18, 2010
The neurologists finally made their way up to the NICU in the morning and we were told that Mikail's echo came back as normal. His heart is in perfect condition. The ultrasound of his brain came back showing no additional abnormalities in his arteries. No one ever came out and said it, but this left the option that the cause of the stroke was due to labour and delivery stress. As soon as we had the consult, the discharge procedure was started and by noon we were on our way out of Edmonton.
Our drive went in 90 minute stints because Mikail was really small for the car seat and was supposed to get breaks from it every 90 minutes, so the drive home took a little longer than usual, but by 9 p.m. we were home and after 9 days of being checked into 3 different hospitals, having a plane ride to Edmonton, having a long truck drive home, and a lot of medical drama inbetween, our precious little one was able to come home and sleep in his own crib for the very first time.
There are still a lot of unanswered questions and a long road ahead with physiotherapy, occupational therapy, and follow-up visits to the Stollery Children's Hospital, the rehab centre, our local pediatrician, and our family doctor. More on all of this in the next post.
Through all of this we are still so incredibly blessed.
The drive to Edmonton was filled with much quiet time, some tears, and lots of talking and praying. You do not realize how bumpy even a highway is until you are healing from surgery. It took us a bit longer to get there than usual--due to the slowing down for all the bumps we had not noticed as much on prior trips to the big city.
When we got to the University of Alberta, we had to find parking and realized that the walk from the parkade to the Stollery was quite the trek for the Mama who had recently given birth. We had imagined that we would have to get a hotel near the hospital and I was already dreading the many walks we would have to make from the parkade to the NICU.
When we finally arrived at the NICU, after asking for directions many times, we found our precious baby contently at his station:
He had been really hungry upon arrival and had consumed all of the milk I had expressed plus some formula. Poor little guy hadn't been allowed to eat before the flight or during the flight since they were afraid the turbulence would cause him to throw up. He had, however, made the flight just fine. Brave little guy. When they arrived, he was immediately put under the Billy Lamp (photo therapy for jaundice) and we cherished the moments where we could hold and cuddle him when he wasn't under the lamp. Here Daddy is talking to our little man, telling him how special and brave and amazing he is, after we arrived:
That worry I had about having to find a hotel to stay at was immediately taken care of. Mikail's nurse heard our story and realized that I had just had a cesarean birth and was still in quite a bit of pain, so she advocated for us to get a 'parent room' right on the ward. She suggested we not talk about it too much because normally parents are only allowed to stay in a parent room for one night, but with the weekend coming, we just had to make sure the social worker didn't hear about it the next day and we should be able to make it through the weekend by staying right there with Mikail. The room we got only had a single bed and a rocking chair, but we had brought some blankets, asked for a few more and made a make-shift bed on the floor for Jason. Not the best accommodations, but we were able to stay at the hospital with Mikail--a blessing. The next day we were moved into a bigger room where we at least each got a mattress.May 14, 2010
Being able to stay right at the hospital meant that I could nurse Mikail. This was a blessing, yet a challenge, because at the QEII in Grande Prairie we were put on a feeding schedule for Mikail that worked really well. Here, anytime he made a peep they called me to feed him--feeding on demand. It was stressful and did not work. Just because he was making a peep didn't mean he was hungry and then the challenge of getting a good latch was just made even more difficult, leaving me in a lot of pain and Mikail frustrated. Then the nurses kept saying that if he didn't latch within five minutes we should give him formula. My Mama heart did not believe this was the right thing to do, so many tears followed. Finally after many frustrating, unsuccessful feeds we were able to tell the nurse that yes, most babies do well with "feed on demand" but ours was put on a schedule and this had worked in Grande Prairie. Could we not just try it for a bit and see what happened? She reluctantly agreed and guess what? IT WORKED. So we were back on feeding every 3 hours and I also pumped to try to get my milk to come in more. This also allowed Jason to take a night time feeding, which was important to him--the bonding it brought. This also allowed me to get some much needed sleep.
In the morning, we met with the pediatrician and were told that the CT scan from Grande Prairie also showed a hairline fracture on Mikail's skull. WHAT? Why were we not told this? And why did a nurse mention this to us the day before (leaving us shocked) before the doctor did? More and more we were believing and finding out that Mikail's seizures were not caused in-utero. More and more we were believing that something happened during the long labour and birth to cause something that made him have seizures. The pediatrician said that the fracture was most likely caused by Mikail's head being forced up against my pelvis during the pushing stage--since he was twisted and "sunny side up" it would make sense that he was wedged up against my pelvis. It could also be that the force of the vacuum suction caused Mikail's head to be forced up against my pelvis, causing the fracture. Two options or a combination of the two...but definitely nothing to do with anything during the pregnancy. Of course this would have to be confirmed by Grande Prairie who was being instructed to look at my placenta (we later found out from our family doctor that my placenta was normal and nothing in-utero caused these complications).
As we met with the pediatrician he informed us that he did not believe that the MRI would happen at all. WHAT? Wasn't this why we were being sent to Edmonton in the first place? Jason was okay with this...we didn't 'need' to know details--we would deal with what came when it came. I, on the other hand remained quiet, pleading in my heart and soul with God to somehow allow this MRI to take place. I needed answers. I needed to know what we were going to be dealing with in the future. I needed to know what I as his Mama could do to help him reach his potential. Just as I was silently pleading with God, a neurologist came by and said that we were up next for an MRI--as in 'get this baby downstairs NOW'. Talk about a quick answer to a Mama's pleading heart. The reason we were sent to Edmonton for the MRI is that in Grande Prairie they don't sedate for MRIs and an infant has to be sedated. The nurse quickly fed Mikail some formula while Jason and I filled out forms and we later found out that they didn't even need to sedate Mikail for the MRI...he slept through the whole thing. Another God moment...how our little man slept through an MRI that sounds like jack hammers next to your ears, is incomprehensible--definitely a God thing (and yes his hearing is fine...he passed the hearing screening before we left Grande Prairie).
While Mikail was having the MRI done, I had to go and "pump" because I had just missed Mikail's feeding since they had to hurry him to the MRI. There was a "pumping room" right on the ward. How strange it is to sit in a room with two other women and have each a contraption attached to your boobs that is expressing milk. Do you bring something to cover yourself? Do you talk? Do you keep your eyes averted? Do you engage in conversation? Do you ask about their child in the NICU? I never did find out what the "pumping room etiquette" was. When I was finished in the "pumping room" I returned to our room to find worship music quietly playing and Jason down on his knees, praying for our precious little boy and meditating on this scripture: But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Malachi 4:2. Seeing my big, strong, husband down on his knees pleading with God to heal our son also brought me to my knees and right there on the floor of our little room we wept, pleading with God to heal our son, through tears trying to sing the lyrics of the songs playing on the iPod.
Somewhere in this time I needed to find something to eat. Jason was fasting (I obviously couldn't join him because I needed to keep my milk supply up) and said he needed to stay and keep praying, so I went alone. When I returned I found him standing in our room with his face and hands toward heaven, tears streaming down his face, singing praises to our God. I needed the strength he was showing and wrapped my arms around him hoping I would feel some of his strength. We remained there, slow dancing and singing along to the music on the iPod until the phone rang and we found out that Mikail was back. We quickly offered one last prayer to our Heavenly Father and went to be with our son.
The neurologist and his team looked at the MRI immediately and in no time we were meeting with the neurologist. What we learned from him and what we got as Mikail's prognosis in Grande Prairie were two completely different stories. The neurologist informed us that the MRI showed that Mikail had a stroke, most likely during labour and delivery, but an echo would have to be done on his heart to make sure the clot didn't come from a defect in his heart. This stroke then caused the seizures. The stroke affected three parts of Mikail's brain:
1. One very small part of the front right side of the brain which will never affect him.
2. One larger part of the front left of the brain which might affect his peripheral vision and it might not.
3. The largest affected area was the back left of the brain, which will most likely affect his right hand motor skills.
The first part we don't have to worry about. The second part which might affect his vision, is quite doable. He will have his vision checked in a few months and glasses are always an option. When talking about the third affected area, the neurologist said that if you're going to have a stroke, the best time to have it is as a newborn, because the brain can heal itself or create new pathways to compensate for damage done. So, it might do that, or he will just automatically be a 'lefty' with a dominant right hand. None the less, we will start physio on his right hand in the next couple of months to try to strengthen his motor skills in that area.
Can you imagine our gratefulness when we heard this news? It was so far from what we had heard in Grande Prairie. When the neurologist said that he thought that by the time Mikail is 2 years old no one will know that he ever had a stroke, I couldn't stop the tears that were brimming the whole time. The next step was to have an echo done on his heart and an ultrasound done of his brain to try to see what the cause of the stroke was. We would have to wait on these tests until Monday though.
May 15 & 16, 2010
We returned to our room and spent some time in prayer of thanksgiving to God for this amazing news. While we were in our room, some special paper work was completed and Mikail was allowed to 'room in' with us. Which means that he would get a normal bassinet and he would stay with us in our room for the weekend. Before most feedings we had to bring him to his station in the NICU and have his vitals checked. We were even able to take him off the ward and walk the hospital halls with him or take him to lunch or dinner with us. If we preferred we could also leave him at his station and take a break and his nurse would watch him. So our Saturday and Sunday were filled with mini outings walking the hospital floors with Mikail and just hanging out waiting for Monday. Here are Mikail and I hanging out in our 'parent room':
May 17, 2010
This was a looooong day of waiting and not knowing whether Mikail would get the tests done that he needed to have done. Jason and I were both completely ready to go home and had been told that we would most likely be discharged by late afternoon. The tests were completed by this time, but the neurology team was not going to come up to the NICU this day after all. Let's just say we were beyond disappointed. We had to stay another night to wait for a consult with the neurologists.
May 18, 2010
The neurologists finally made their way up to the NICU in the morning and we were told that Mikail's echo came back as normal. His heart is in perfect condition. The ultrasound of his brain came back showing no additional abnormalities in his arteries. No one ever came out and said it, but this left the option that the cause of the stroke was due to labour and delivery stress. As soon as we had the consult, the discharge procedure was started and by noon we were on our way out of Edmonton.
Our drive went in 90 minute stints because Mikail was really small for the car seat and was supposed to get breaks from it every 90 minutes, so the drive home took a little longer than usual, but by 9 p.m. we were home and after 9 days of being checked into 3 different hospitals, having a plane ride to Edmonton, having a long truck drive home, and a lot of medical drama inbetween, our precious little one was able to come home and sleep in his own crib for the very first time.
There are still a lot of unanswered questions and a long road ahead with physiotherapy, occupational therapy, and follow-up visits to the Stollery Children's Hospital, the rehab centre, our local pediatrician, and our family doctor. More on all of this in the next post.
Through all of this we are still so incredibly blessed.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Journey Continues: Grande Prairie NICU
Many people are blessed with a "Happily Ever After" following their "Labour of Love", many continue on a journey that is so different than they had ever imagined. Ours is one of those "continued journeys":
May 10. 2010
Even after 38 hours of labour, I could not sleep after I got out of "recovery". I needed to make sure our baby was okay and then there was the fact that he needed to be fed every hour or two. We were so thankful to have a few visitors come and meet our little one--especially since we both do not have family around.
Late at night, right before a feeding I noticed that Mikail's face had a rhythmic twitch to it. It reminded me of all those courses we as teachers have to take each year in regards to seizures in children. I showed the nurses, yet they were not concerned. They said if it happened again, we should call them. The next time it happened, I noticed that his right leg and right arm were doing the same rhythmic motion while his eyes rolled to the right. We called the nurses, but he had stopped before they arrived.
At this point I was exhausted. I had not really slept since 4:30 a.m. on May 8th and it was the early mornings of May 11th. When the nurses found this out, they said they would take Mikail to the nurses station and give us a bit of time to sleep. They would bring him back for his feeding. We were blessed to have a private room that even had a bed for Jason to sleep in. We took advantage of this time to get some much needed sleep, even if it was only for an hour or two.
May 11, 2010
While at the nurses station, Mikail had the same seizure type symptoms I had been telling them about and they rushed him upstairs to the NICU where he was treated for a seizure. The pediatrician was called and an EEG was performed as soon as possible in the morning. The EEG showed unusual brain activity, which confirmed the seizures that I had earlier been trying to convince the nurses of. He was put on phenobarbital (an anti-seizure medication) and the seizures stopped. At this time a CT scan was called for, but the machine was down so we had to wait until the next day. They were able to do an ultrasound of the brain at this time. The NICU nurses put us on a strict schedule with Mikail in regards to changing and feeding him, which worked wonderfully. We came up to feed and change him every three hours and inbetween either stayed with him to hold and cuddle him or went back downstairs to our room for some much needed rest.
May 12, 2010
Mid-morning we found out that the CT scanner was up and working again and that we needed to get downstairs immediately. So, off with our wonderful NICU nurse, we went. Nurse L and Jason rushed ahead of me while I slowly shuffled behind them, trying to keep up without being in too much pain (why we did not grab a wheelchair I do not know). Later in the day Nurse L let us know that the pediatrician wanted to see us and she would stay with us. As soon as I heard she was to stay with us, I knew it was bad news about the CT scan. We entered a small little conference room and the pediatrician told us immediately that he had bad news for us. Our hearts fell. We were told that Mikail has left brain abnormalities and that we were to expect a difficult road ahead of us raising this little boy. We were told that he would most likely never walk or talk and that he would need to be fed with a feeding tube, might not be able to see or hear etc. etc. etc. When I asked what could have caused this the pediatrician felt that it was due to lack of oxygen during the pregnancy sometime--perhaps the umbilical cord was kinked during a time of important development of the brain. We were devestated. I finally broke down and wept while Jason remained strong and just held me. Nurse L was in tears with me as well. She had been taking care of our little boy during the day shift up until this time.
We returned to Mikail's station in the NICU, closed the curtains around us, lifted him out of his bassinet, wires and all, and just held him and rocked him and wept. Finally we were able to speak again and we lifted up prayers of thanksgiving for our little miracle, we pleaded with God to heal our precious little boys brain, and we started to speak words of healing over him. We told God that we did not understand why he acted like a normal baby. Why he was able to breast feed but were told that he would need feeding tubes for the rest of his life. Why he was able to move his arms and legs like a normal baby and look at us or jump at sudden noises. All these things did not add up with what the pediatrician told us. So, we began to believe that although we are blessed to have earthly physicians, we have a Greater Physician and we would trust and believe in Him.
When we got back to our room we both broke down, having Mikails life flash before our eyes. Jason realized that he may never throw a football to his son and it was upon this realization that the devastation of what we had just learned began to sink in. And now to make phone calls home to family and friends to explain what had happened, was so difficult. Thankfully we were able to get a hold of our pastor and he and his wife were able to come and hear our story and pray with us that very evening. What a blessing.
May 13, 2010
In the morning the pediatrician wanted to meet with us again. He had arranged this the day before because he knew that once the initial shock had worn off we would have a zillion questions, and we did. I had my little notebook of questions ready and on the top of the list was "What type of condition will he have. What are some possible names?" I wanted to be able to call my Mom and have her research what we were possible going to deal with. Our internet connection in the hospital was terrible and I did not have energy or the time to research things at the moment. All the conditions the doctor gave us as possibilities did not seem to fit Mikail, so when we asked to have a second opinion, we found out that this was already in the works. The pediatrician said he had contacted a neurologist at the Stollery Children's Hospital in Edmonton and they were willing to do an MRI on Mikail to assess his condition. He was just waiting to hear about transferring him. While we were discussing this with the doctor, the transfer was confirmed and we found out that within an hour he would be airlifted to Edmonton and I could possibly go along. This would be decided once the team arrived at the hospital. They were still in-flight to Grande Prairie. Wow! Things were starting to move quickly.
While all of this was happening, I had also been discharged from the hospital, but in the drama of it all was unable to ask the obstetrician the questions I had about my own healing process. All we had been told was that we would get a hostel room where I could stay so that I did not have to be driven to and from the hospital to feed Mikail. Jason would have to stay home. All this, however changed when we found out we were heading to Edmonton. We quickly packed up our belongings and packed them in the truck. Jason would follow us to Edmonton and meet us a few hours after our arrival there. While he was packing up the truck, I was madly pumping breast milk for Mikail to take along for after the flight so he would not have to have formula given to him. Not that it really mattered if he was given formula, we just thought it was better if he had breast milk if at all possible.
At about 1 p.m. the transfer team arrived and came into the NICU with the HUGE contraption, otherwise known as "Stork 3", that would be where Mikail would be kept in while flying to Edmonton. The team told us that the flight had been extremely turbulent and that the plane is quite small, so they would recommend that for my own comfort and healing (from the cesarean birth), that I go along with Jason in the truck. After talking to the team and feeling somewhat comfortable with the fact that they would take care of our baby, we agreed. After a tearful goodbye and a Mama's pleading to guard and protect her son, we were off to Edmonton.
May 10. 2010
Even after 38 hours of labour, I could not sleep after I got out of "recovery". I needed to make sure our baby was okay and then there was the fact that he needed to be fed every hour or two. We were so thankful to have a few visitors come and meet our little one--especially since we both do not have family around.
Late at night, right before a feeding I noticed that Mikail's face had a rhythmic twitch to it. It reminded me of all those courses we as teachers have to take each year in regards to seizures in children. I showed the nurses, yet they were not concerned. They said if it happened again, we should call them. The next time it happened, I noticed that his right leg and right arm were doing the same rhythmic motion while his eyes rolled to the right. We called the nurses, but he had stopped before they arrived.
At this point I was exhausted. I had not really slept since 4:30 a.m. on May 8th and it was the early mornings of May 11th. When the nurses found this out, they said they would take Mikail to the nurses station and give us a bit of time to sleep. They would bring him back for his feeding. We were blessed to have a private room that even had a bed for Jason to sleep in. We took advantage of this time to get some much needed sleep, even if it was only for an hour or two.
May 11, 2010
While at the nurses station, Mikail had the same seizure type symptoms I had been telling them about and they rushed him upstairs to the NICU where he was treated for a seizure. The pediatrician was called and an EEG was performed as soon as possible in the morning. The EEG showed unusual brain activity, which confirmed the seizures that I had earlier been trying to convince the nurses of. He was put on phenobarbital (an anti-seizure medication) and the seizures stopped. At this time a CT scan was called for, but the machine was down so we had to wait until the next day. They were able to do an ultrasound of the brain at this time. The NICU nurses put us on a strict schedule with Mikail in regards to changing and feeding him, which worked wonderfully. We came up to feed and change him every three hours and inbetween either stayed with him to hold and cuddle him or went back downstairs to our room for some much needed rest.
May 12, 2010
Mid-morning we found out that the CT scanner was up and working again and that we needed to get downstairs immediately. So, off with our wonderful NICU nurse, we went. Nurse L and Jason rushed ahead of me while I slowly shuffled behind them, trying to keep up without being in too much pain (why we did not grab a wheelchair I do not know). Later in the day Nurse L let us know that the pediatrician wanted to see us and she would stay with us. As soon as I heard she was to stay with us, I knew it was bad news about the CT scan. We entered a small little conference room and the pediatrician told us immediately that he had bad news for us. Our hearts fell. We were told that Mikail has left brain abnormalities and that we were to expect a difficult road ahead of us raising this little boy. We were told that he would most likely never walk or talk and that he would need to be fed with a feeding tube, might not be able to see or hear etc. etc. etc. When I asked what could have caused this the pediatrician felt that it was due to lack of oxygen during the pregnancy sometime--perhaps the umbilical cord was kinked during a time of important development of the brain. We were devestated. I finally broke down and wept while Jason remained strong and just held me. Nurse L was in tears with me as well. She had been taking care of our little boy during the day shift up until this time.
We returned to Mikail's station in the NICU, closed the curtains around us, lifted him out of his bassinet, wires and all, and just held him and rocked him and wept. Finally we were able to speak again and we lifted up prayers of thanksgiving for our little miracle, we pleaded with God to heal our precious little boys brain, and we started to speak words of healing over him. We told God that we did not understand why he acted like a normal baby. Why he was able to breast feed but were told that he would need feeding tubes for the rest of his life. Why he was able to move his arms and legs like a normal baby and look at us or jump at sudden noises. All these things did not add up with what the pediatrician told us. So, we began to believe that although we are blessed to have earthly physicians, we have a Greater Physician and we would trust and believe in Him.
When we got back to our room we both broke down, having Mikails life flash before our eyes. Jason realized that he may never throw a football to his son and it was upon this realization that the devastation of what we had just learned began to sink in. And now to make phone calls home to family and friends to explain what had happened, was so difficult. Thankfully we were able to get a hold of our pastor and he and his wife were able to come and hear our story and pray with us that very evening. What a blessing.
May 13, 2010
In the morning the pediatrician wanted to meet with us again. He had arranged this the day before because he knew that once the initial shock had worn off we would have a zillion questions, and we did. I had my little notebook of questions ready and on the top of the list was "What type of condition will he have. What are some possible names?" I wanted to be able to call my Mom and have her research what we were possible going to deal with. Our internet connection in the hospital was terrible and I did not have energy or the time to research things at the moment. All the conditions the doctor gave us as possibilities did not seem to fit Mikail, so when we asked to have a second opinion, we found out that this was already in the works. The pediatrician said he had contacted a neurologist at the Stollery Children's Hospital in Edmonton and they were willing to do an MRI on Mikail to assess his condition. He was just waiting to hear about transferring him. While we were discussing this with the doctor, the transfer was confirmed and we found out that within an hour he would be airlifted to Edmonton and I could possibly go along. This would be decided once the team arrived at the hospital. They were still in-flight to Grande Prairie. Wow! Things were starting to move quickly.
While all of this was happening, I had also been discharged from the hospital, but in the drama of it all was unable to ask the obstetrician the questions I had about my own healing process. All we had been told was that we would get a hostel room where I could stay so that I did not have to be driven to and from the hospital to feed Mikail. Jason would have to stay home. All this, however changed when we found out we were heading to Edmonton. We quickly packed up our belongings and packed them in the truck. Jason would follow us to Edmonton and meet us a few hours after our arrival there. While he was packing up the truck, I was madly pumping breast milk for Mikail to take along for after the flight so he would not have to have formula given to him. Not that it really mattered if he was given formula, we just thought it was better if he had breast milk if at all possible.
At about 1 p.m. the transfer team arrived and came into the NICU with the HUGE contraption, otherwise known as "Stork 3", that would be where Mikail would be kept in while flying to Edmonton. The team told us that the flight had been extremely turbulent and that the plane is quite small, so they would recommend that for my own comfort and healing (from the cesarean birth), that I go along with Jason in the truck. After talking to the team and feeling somewhat comfortable with the fact that they would take care of our baby, we agreed. After a tearful goodbye and a Mama's pleading to guard and protect her son, we were off to Edmonton.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Thoughts on my Labour of Love
When I wrote the 'Labour of Love' post, the purpose was to get the facts of Mikail's birth down as well as I could remember them, yet there are so many holes missing. The emotional holes, the questions, the self-doubt, the whys, and the triumphs.
When I think about everything I dreamed of in the aspect of birthing our baby, very little of what I dreamed of came true and in a way it feels like I failed. I know that deep down inside, I didn't fail, but that evil little voice that sometimes rears it's ugly head, sneers at me. I know that it is filled with lies, but none-the-less, it is there from time to time.
Everything about what happened when it came to labour was great up until the early mornings of May 9th when I had a feeling things were not progressing like they should. My body wouldn't allow me to labour in the positions I thought I would find comfortable. I longed to sit in a tub of water or stand in a shower or rock on all fours, but every time I got up from a lying position I would violently throw up. It was the first hint of what I felt at the moment as my body failing me, but I kept on telling myself that 'my body was made to do this' and Jason kept whispering those words in my ear as well.
I think that one thing that I did not expect was that at times I did not want to hear Jason's voice. I just wanted it all to be quiet and in a way I hated that because he felt so helpless and to feel helpful he wanted to whisper encouragement to me and all I wanted was for him to be quiet and just 'be there'. Finally when it came to pushing and there was a nurse who was so confident and commanding in her instructions to me that I finally said, in as nice a voice I could, after 37.5 hours of labour, that hers was the only voice I wanted to hear. Her voice was so confident and rhythmic that I could focus on what I was supposed to be doing. Jason and I both hadn't expected for me to get to this point. We both expected for me to need HIS voice telling me what to do, but at that point I needed someone with a medical background to tell me when and how long to push. In my mind I can still see the hurt in my dear husband's face that I didn't 'need' him at that point or that he couldn't help me in the way that we both thought I would. Of course we've talked about it and worked through it, but I hate that it came to that. I wish that he was the one I 'needed' in the way he wanted to be needed. Of course I needed him there, just not in the way he needed to be needed (wow does that sound confusing--ha).
When a trip to the big QEII Hospital was mentioned together with the words 'epidural' and 'petocin', I was devastated. Those were two words I did not want as part of my labour journey, but it was 'for the best' according to our doctor whom I trust with my everything. He referred us to an obstetrician whom he held in high regard, considered a friend, and even goes to church with. We trusted him, so when, during the pushing stages of labour the obstetrician suggested the vacuum suction, we trusted him. I do remember that I felt this feeling of "I don't know if that is the right thing to do"--I should have listened to that voice, but I am not to 'should have' myself now. 'Should haves' don't get us anywhere. But that is another voice of lies that seems to sneak in from time to time.
Throughout the whole labour I was able to tell myself that whatever happens during this labour is MY journey, my labour story. It will be like no one elses Just like I had said in an earlier post, birth plans rarely come to be, but never did I imagine that things would go so incredibly different than I had ever imagined. At the point of labour where the vacuum suction was mentioned I knew in my heart that I didn't want this, but I hadn't researched things in this aspect. I never dreamed that things would ever get to this point. So, I clearly didn't know what the consequences could be, so I went on the word of the doctor. At the time this was fine...but as you will find out in a later post, it had its consequences which has my mind reeling with guilt as to our decision from time to time.
When the vacuum suction did not move the baby forward at all, the only option was a cesarean birth. At this point I had been in labour for 37.5 hours and knew that we had done everything possible to have a natural birth. Although 37.5 hours ago I would have hated the thought of a cesarean birth, it was now a welcome option. I knew that I would probably have to deal with the thoughts of "not being strong enough" to make it through a natural birth after the fact and I did (and still sometimes do), but whenever those thoughts come to my mind, my dear Jason reminds me that he was there and I WAS "strong" and that there was never a time where I said "I cannot do this" or "I do not want to do this" or "make it stop". I just kept plugging forward, knowing that the reward at the end would be worth everything I had to go through...
...and it was.
When I think about everything I dreamed of in the aspect of birthing our baby, very little of what I dreamed of came true and in a way it feels like I failed. I know that deep down inside, I didn't fail, but that evil little voice that sometimes rears it's ugly head, sneers at me. I know that it is filled with lies, but none-the-less, it is there from time to time.
Everything about what happened when it came to labour was great up until the early mornings of May 9th when I had a feeling things were not progressing like they should. My body wouldn't allow me to labour in the positions I thought I would find comfortable. I longed to sit in a tub of water or stand in a shower or rock on all fours, but every time I got up from a lying position I would violently throw up. It was the first hint of what I felt at the moment as my body failing me, but I kept on telling myself that 'my body was made to do this' and Jason kept whispering those words in my ear as well.
I think that one thing that I did not expect was that at times I did not want to hear Jason's voice. I just wanted it all to be quiet and in a way I hated that because he felt so helpless and to feel helpful he wanted to whisper encouragement to me and all I wanted was for him to be quiet and just 'be there'. Finally when it came to pushing and there was a nurse who was so confident and commanding in her instructions to me that I finally said, in as nice a voice I could, after 37.5 hours of labour, that hers was the only voice I wanted to hear. Her voice was so confident and rhythmic that I could focus on what I was supposed to be doing. Jason and I both hadn't expected for me to get to this point. We both expected for me to need HIS voice telling me what to do, but at that point I needed someone with a medical background to tell me when and how long to push. In my mind I can still see the hurt in my dear husband's face that I didn't 'need' him at that point or that he couldn't help me in the way that we both thought I would. Of course we've talked about it and worked through it, but I hate that it came to that. I wish that he was the one I 'needed' in the way he wanted to be needed. Of course I needed him there, just not in the way he needed to be needed (wow does that sound confusing--ha).
When a trip to the big QEII Hospital was mentioned together with the words 'epidural' and 'petocin', I was devastated. Those were two words I did not want as part of my labour journey, but it was 'for the best' according to our doctor whom I trust with my everything. He referred us to an obstetrician whom he held in high regard, considered a friend, and even goes to church with. We trusted him, so when, during the pushing stages of labour the obstetrician suggested the vacuum suction, we trusted him. I do remember that I felt this feeling of "I don't know if that is the right thing to do"--I should have listened to that voice, but I am not to 'should have' myself now. 'Should haves' don't get us anywhere. But that is another voice of lies that seems to sneak in from time to time.
Throughout the whole labour I was able to tell myself that whatever happens during this labour is MY journey, my labour story. It will be like no one elses Just like I had said in an earlier post, birth plans rarely come to be, but never did I imagine that things would go so incredibly different than I had ever imagined. At the point of labour where the vacuum suction was mentioned I knew in my heart that I didn't want this, but I hadn't researched things in this aspect. I never dreamed that things would ever get to this point. So, I clearly didn't know what the consequences could be, so I went on the word of the doctor. At the time this was fine...but as you will find out in a later post, it had its consequences which has my mind reeling with guilt as to our decision from time to time.
When the vacuum suction did not move the baby forward at all, the only option was a cesarean birth. At this point I had been in labour for 37.5 hours and knew that we had done everything possible to have a natural birth. Although 37.5 hours ago I would have hated the thought of a cesarean birth, it was now a welcome option. I knew that I would probably have to deal with the thoughts of "not being strong enough" to make it through a natural birth after the fact and I did (and still sometimes do), but whenever those thoughts come to my mind, my dear Jason reminds me that he was there and I WAS "strong" and that there was never a time where I said "I cannot do this" or "I do not want to do this" or "make it stop". I just kept plugging forward, knowing that the reward at the end would be worth everything I had to go through...
...and it was.
Monday, May 31, 2010
My Labour of Love
Even a week ago I thought that I would never have the strength of heart to write Mikail's birth story, but now that time has passed and some physical and emotional healing has taken place (with a lot more to come, I am sure), I feel a great need to record what has happened in our little world these past three weeks. It will take a few posts to get the past three weeks written out, but between diaper changes, feedings, and naps, I hope to get it done.
May 8, 2010
At 4:30 a.m. I noticed that my more consistent Braxton Hicks contractions were more constant and painful, so I started to write down the time intervals between each and found that they were about 15-20 minutes apart. This continued on throughout the day as I went about our regular Saturday activities. By about 7:00 p.m. or so, the contractions were closer together and I now needed the support of Jason to get through them. They were not super painful, but I was a lot more comfortable getting through them if he held me and we "slow danced" through each one.
By this time a very "important" NHL Playoff game (Detroit Red Wings) was on T.V. so Jason made sure that our little "dances" that were happening about 10 minutes apart, were strategically "danced" so he could see the T.V. and I really did not care. I just needed him to lean on and sway with me.
As the contractions got closer and closer together and more intense I asked J whether the truck had enough fuel in it to get us to the hospital. I assumed it did, because I had been checking it all week but remembered he had driven to and from our rental house (2 hours away) earlier in the week and did not know whether he had filled up on the way home. He checked. NOPE. Needed fuel. In my mind I was thinking: "Seriously? This only happens in the movies." I sent him off and he went to fill up the truck. A couple of hours after he got back he confessed that he had been so flustered that just as he put the nossle into the tank, he realized it was GAS and we drive a DIESEL. Eeeeek. Can you imagine if he had allowed any gas into the diesel line? Thank the LORD he caught himself before starting to fill the tank (another "only in the movies" moment).
By 11:30 p.m. contractions were 6 minutes apart and I had a HUGE need to get to the hospital. We had decided to have our baby in a rural hospital, 30 minutes from our house, so we began the bumpy ride to the hospital. I quickly put in a labour CD my dear friend Monica sent us, and rode each wave of a contraction, letting the music flow over me. As we approached the hospital Jason put in a song that has been special to us and we listened to it, tears flowing down our faces, knowing this day or the next would change our lives forever. When we entered the ER I was so thankful to see that Dr. Langer (our doc) was on call for the weekend. PERFECT. They checked me in and checked my progress: 4 cm dilated and he expected to have a baby in our arms by 6 a.m.
May 9, 2010
We were brought to a private room and quietly laboured naturally until 9 a.m. when Dr. Langer checked my progress again, only to find that I was only 4-5 cm dilated. Labour had basically stalled. Because this hospital does not do surgeries, epidurals and c-sections are not possible there. Dr. Langer suggested that I be ambulanced to the Grande Prairie hospital where they would administer and epidural and petocin to get labour going again. At this point I was still quite energetic and thought I could conquer this labour thing on my own, but I asked why he was recommending this and as soon as he said for the health of me and our baby, Jason and I both agreed that it was the best move. So, I was transferred to the ambulance and we too THE bumpiest most painful drive I have ever experienced to the QEII Hospital. Up until this point labour had been manageable, but add terrible roads to increasingly more painful contractions, I was ready for the epidural that was awaiting me. The thought of natural labour was out the window after that ambulance ride. What kept me going was seeing Jason in the truck right behind the ambulance. The poor ambulance attendant must have thought I was a little loco as I rode each wave of a contraction with a very audible "Sweet Jesus, take this away from me" or "Sweet Jesus, you can move mountains, so fix the road ahead of us." Those prayers did not get answered like I had hoped :-) but we eventually got there and I had made it!!
When we got to the hospital, around 10 or 11 a.m. (I am not exactly sure when--after that ambulance ride everything got blurry), Jason was already there and I was so grateful to see him, as I had been left in the ER waiting room with people all around me, strapped to a gurney in painful labour. Talk about feeling vulnerable. After what seemed like forever, they had our paper work done and I was off to labour and delivery where an epidural was immediately administered. What joyous relief--for at least an hour, but after that I could not feel the effects of the epidural at all. I had warned the anesthesiologist that my metabolism eats through meds really quickly, but I do not think she believed me through my already 31 hours of labour land delirium. So, I laboured through the petocin induced labour without feeling the effects of the epidural. Finally at 5 p.m. I was 10 c.m. dilated and it was time to push. At this point everything and everyone was annoying me to no end. The only voice I wanted to hear was that of one particular nurse who had a very commanding voice and was very rhythmic in telling me what to do. Finally I asked that hers be the only voice I hear. Pushing went a lot better from that point forward. I had one voice to focus on and listen to. At about 5:50 p.m. the doctor said that the baby was sunny side up and twisted and we had the choice of using forceps or the vacuum. We asked what he suggested and he said that we should try the vacuum for a maximum of three contractions. In the back of my mind I knew I did not want this, but he was the professional. He knew what was best for me and our baby after 37 hours of labour. After all, he did this every day, right? So we tried the vacuum, to no avail and I was then rushed into the O.R. for a Cesarean Birth. The anesthesiologist was shocked at how much was needed for me not to be able to feel anything but pressure. HELLO? Did I not tell her that a few short hours ago?
From that point forward things went really quickly. I was strapped down onto the O.R. table just as described in our prenatal classes (thank goodness we were pre-warned, otherwise I might have had a panic attack) and then Jason was let into the room to come sit beside me and hold my strapped down hand. It took them a while to get my belly numbed to the point where I just felt pressure compared to whatever they were poking me with (had I not told the anesthesiologist this?). In no time I heard the doctor say that our baby had really dark hair and lots of it and shortly after wards they announced that we had a baby BOY. Jason and I both burst into tears and I kept repeating 'Baby you've got to cry. Mama has to hear you cry.' The doctor's or nurses from behind the curtain in front of me kept repeating that he was fine and that he didn't 'need' to cry. I heard them rush him to a table behind us and finally after much prodding from a Mama who 'needed' to hear her baby cry, he did and then they brought him over and nestled his face against mine and allowed me to kiss him before they and Jason took him up to the nursery to observe his breathing.
At this time I remember thinking that I could now finally sleep and sleep I did. I was in the recovery area until around 9 p.m. when I woke up and asked about the baby. Shortly after I was wheeled into our private room where Jason was waiting for me. Mikail joined us an hour later and once again the 38 hours of labour were worth every single second. EVERY single second--how could it not be?
Holding Mikail for the first time.
May 8, 2010
At 4:30 a.m. I noticed that my more consistent Braxton Hicks contractions were more constant and painful, so I started to write down the time intervals between each and found that they were about 15-20 minutes apart. This continued on throughout the day as I went about our regular Saturday activities. By about 7:00 p.m. or so, the contractions were closer together and I now needed the support of Jason to get through them. They were not super painful, but I was a lot more comfortable getting through them if he held me and we "slow danced" through each one.
By this time a very "important" NHL Playoff game (Detroit Red Wings) was on T.V. so Jason made sure that our little "dances" that were happening about 10 minutes apart, were strategically "danced" so he could see the T.V. and I really did not care. I just needed him to lean on and sway with me.
As the contractions got closer and closer together and more intense I asked J whether the truck had enough fuel in it to get us to the hospital. I assumed it did, because I had been checking it all week but remembered he had driven to and from our rental house (2 hours away) earlier in the week and did not know whether he had filled up on the way home. He checked. NOPE. Needed fuel. In my mind I was thinking: "Seriously? This only happens in the movies." I sent him off and he went to fill up the truck. A couple of hours after he got back he confessed that he had been so flustered that just as he put the nossle into the tank, he realized it was GAS and we drive a DIESEL. Eeeeek. Can you imagine if he had allowed any gas into the diesel line? Thank the LORD he caught himself before starting to fill the tank (another "only in the movies" moment).
By 11:30 p.m. contractions were 6 minutes apart and I had a HUGE need to get to the hospital. We had decided to have our baby in a rural hospital, 30 minutes from our house, so we began the bumpy ride to the hospital. I quickly put in a labour CD my dear friend Monica sent us, and rode each wave of a contraction, letting the music flow over me. As we approached the hospital Jason put in a song that has been special to us and we listened to it, tears flowing down our faces, knowing this day or the next would change our lives forever. When we entered the ER I was so thankful to see that Dr. Langer (our doc) was on call for the weekend. PERFECT. They checked me in and checked my progress: 4 cm dilated and he expected to have a baby in our arms by 6 a.m.
May 9, 2010
We were brought to a private room and quietly laboured naturally until 9 a.m. when Dr. Langer checked my progress again, only to find that I was only 4-5 cm dilated. Labour had basically stalled. Because this hospital does not do surgeries, epidurals and c-sections are not possible there. Dr. Langer suggested that I be ambulanced to the Grande Prairie hospital where they would administer and epidural and petocin to get labour going again. At this point I was still quite energetic and thought I could conquer this labour thing on my own, but I asked why he was recommending this and as soon as he said for the health of me and our baby, Jason and I both agreed that it was the best move. So, I was transferred to the ambulance and we too THE bumpiest most painful drive I have ever experienced to the QEII Hospital. Up until this point labour had been manageable, but add terrible roads to increasingly more painful contractions, I was ready for the epidural that was awaiting me. The thought of natural labour was out the window after that ambulance ride. What kept me going was seeing Jason in the truck right behind the ambulance. The poor ambulance attendant must have thought I was a little loco as I rode each wave of a contraction with a very audible "Sweet Jesus, take this away from me" or "Sweet Jesus, you can move mountains, so fix the road ahead of us." Those prayers did not get answered like I had hoped :-) but we eventually got there and I had made it!!
When we got to the hospital, around 10 or 11 a.m. (I am not exactly sure when--after that ambulance ride everything got blurry), Jason was already there and I was so grateful to see him, as I had been left in the ER waiting room with people all around me, strapped to a gurney in painful labour. Talk about feeling vulnerable. After what seemed like forever, they had our paper work done and I was off to labour and delivery where an epidural was immediately administered. What joyous relief--for at least an hour, but after that I could not feel the effects of the epidural at all. I had warned the anesthesiologist that my metabolism eats through meds really quickly, but I do not think she believed me through my already 31 hours of labour land delirium. So, I laboured through the petocin induced labour without feeling the effects of the epidural. Finally at 5 p.m. I was 10 c.m. dilated and it was time to push. At this point everything and everyone was annoying me to no end. The only voice I wanted to hear was that of one particular nurse who had a very commanding voice and was very rhythmic in telling me what to do. Finally I asked that hers be the only voice I hear. Pushing went a lot better from that point forward. I had one voice to focus on and listen to. At about 5:50 p.m. the doctor said that the baby was sunny side up and twisted and we had the choice of using forceps or the vacuum. We asked what he suggested and he said that we should try the vacuum for a maximum of three contractions. In the back of my mind I knew I did not want this, but he was the professional. He knew what was best for me and our baby after 37 hours of labour. After all, he did this every day, right? So we tried the vacuum, to no avail and I was then rushed into the O.R. for a Cesarean Birth. The anesthesiologist was shocked at how much was needed for me not to be able to feel anything but pressure. HELLO? Did I not tell her that a few short hours ago?
From that point forward things went really quickly. I was strapped down onto the O.R. table just as described in our prenatal classes (thank goodness we were pre-warned, otherwise I might have had a panic attack) and then Jason was let into the room to come sit beside me and hold my strapped down hand. It took them a while to get my belly numbed to the point where I just felt pressure compared to whatever they were poking me with (had I not told the anesthesiologist this?). In no time I heard the doctor say that our baby had really dark hair and lots of it and shortly after wards they announced that we had a baby BOY. Jason and I both burst into tears and I kept repeating 'Baby you've got to cry. Mama has to hear you cry.' The doctor's or nurses from behind the curtain in front of me kept repeating that he was fine and that he didn't 'need' to cry. I heard them rush him to a table behind us and finally after much prodding from a Mama who 'needed' to hear her baby cry, he did and then they brought him over and nestled his face against mine and allowed me to kiss him before they and Jason took him up to the nursery to observe his breathing.
At this time I remember thinking that I could now finally sleep and sleep I did. I was in the recovery area until around 9 p.m. when I woke up and asked about the baby. Shortly after I was wheeled into our private room where Jason was waiting for me. Mikail joined us an hour later and once again the 38 hours of labour were worth every single second. EVERY single second--how could it not be?
Holding Mikail for the first time.Friday, May 7, 2010
We are ready for you, little one...
Living in a house that is constantly under renovations we had to be creative in sharing a small bedroom that not only housed our office, my scrapbooking studio, and our workout room--at least one of our pieces of equipment. The room is small as it is and when you have all of this happening in a tiny room it very quickly turns into a DISASTER AREA. This is what the baby room looked like before we packed everything up and put it into storage. I am embarrassed to even post it, but I love comparing 'before' and 'after' photos:
scrapbooking corner
work-out corner and closet (baby stuff slowly movin' in)
office corner
We pretty much have the baby room ready for the baby. The only thing that really needs to be done is for Jason to change the light fixture and update the wiring in the plugs. That is why there are no switch plates. It's our code to ourselves for: old wiring. If there's a switch plate, there's already new wiring.
So, that is the 'before'. Now for the 'after'. Yesterday I received fabric in the mail from my Mom so I could make the window covering and dust ruffle for the crib as well as finish the 'wall art' above the crib. Now that those things are in place, things look mostly in place.
Sometimes I walk into someone else's baby room or see baby rooms online that are 'theme based' or have the typical blue or pink theme or have matching furniture and I wonder whether we did the right thing and then I remember that those cookie cutter looks are soooooooooooo not me. Fine for someone else, but just not me. I love that we were able to have punches of orange (J's favourite colour) in the room. I love that my Mom is making a quilt with retro fabric patterns (not shown in any pictures...will post once they arrive and she brings it along) in it. I love that I can take my favourite fabric pattern found in the quilt and disperse that same pattern around the room (ie. crib skirt, fabric art above crib, window treatment etc). I love that I can use some of Jason's baby items from when he was little throughout the room. I like the "eclecticness" and hope that it doesn't just look a "hodge podge" of "whatever we could find" because thought was truly put into this room. We hope it is a nice little haven for our little miracle. Anyhow, here are a few pictures (oooohhh...nervous to post):
What you see when you come into the baby room. The crib, the wall art (fabric in embroidery hoops and a painting) and the 'mobile'--a piece we found in a little beach town in Costa Rica.
Looking up.
The closet. It's quite sparse because we didn't want to buy a bunch of neutral clothing. We are waiting to find out whether we have a boy or a girl and then the shopping will begin.
The 'calendar'. Each month I will put up a new page and jot down milestones on the little calendar and then the page goes into an album for the baby that will have photos from that month on the facing page.
Zooming out.
The 'change station'. We used dresser we already had, which is perfect for the cloth diapers. Then I painted shelves we had found at a garage sale and Jason put them up. Everything is right on hand. The long yellow 'wet bag' is for the cloth diapers. The Diaper Genie is for those disposable diaper days and baby wipes.
I still need to perfect the dust ruffle, but it works for now. The baskets are for simple storage.
I took a picture of Jason and myself as babies and framed them for the room. This is Jason's.
This is mine. On the top of the shelf will be the iPod speakers (they are in the labour bag right now) as well as the clock, and this beautiful book made for me by a dear 'birth warrior' as I wait for our little one to arrive.
The shelf in the room. I have always been obsessed with childrens books so the 'board book' collection has been growing steadily. Not that I buy just any board books out there. I love the classics.
These shelves are our garage sale find. Yay! I have used a lot of baskets in the room and was already getting frustrated with not remembering what was in each basket, so I have hung little labels from each basket. To the left of the lower shelf is a musical wall hanging that was Jason's when he was a baby. It plays the Brahms Lullaby. On the bottom shelf is a little cup that has a comb and brush in it. This was also Jason's cup when he was little. Love using these things in the room.
The first of the stuffed toys. LOVE the little sweetpea in a pod from Auntie Lori.
The place where we will be spending a lot of time rocking. The afghan is lovingly made by our 'adoptive parents' out here in the North. Nanny Jeanne has been showering us with handmade goodness for months. Can't wait for our little one to meet her and Papa Leendert.
scrapbooking corner
work-out corner and closet (baby stuff slowly movin' in)
office cornerWe pretty much have the baby room ready for the baby. The only thing that really needs to be done is for Jason to change the light fixture and update the wiring in the plugs. That is why there are no switch plates. It's our code to ourselves for: old wiring. If there's a switch plate, there's already new wiring.
So, that is the 'before'. Now for the 'after'. Yesterday I received fabric in the mail from my Mom so I could make the window covering and dust ruffle for the crib as well as finish the 'wall art' above the crib. Now that those things are in place, things look mostly in place.
Sometimes I walk into someone else's baby room or see baby rooms online that are 'theme based' or have the typical blue or pink theme or have matching furniture and I wonder whether we did the right thing and then I remember that those cookie cutter looks are soooooooooooo not me. Fine for someone else, but just not me. I love that we were able to have punches of orange (J's favourite colour) in the room. I love that my Mom is making a quilt with retro fabric patterns (not shown in any pictures...will post once they arrive and she brings it along) in it. I love that I can take my favourite fabric pattern found in the quilt and disperse that same pattern around the room (ie. crib skirt, fabric art above crib, window treatment etc). I love that I can use some of Jason's baby items from when he was little throughout the room. I like the "eclecticness" and hope that it doesn't just look a "hodge podge" of "whatever we could find" because thought was truly put into this room. We hope it is a nice little haven for our little miracle. Anyhow, here are a few pictures (oooohhh...nervous to post):
What you see when you come into the baby room. The crib, the wall art (fabric in embroidery hoops and a painting) and the 'mobile'--a piece we found in a little beach town in Costa Rica.
Looking up.
The closet. It's quite sparse because we didn't want to buy a bunch of neutral clothing. We are waiting to find out whether we have a boy or a girl and then the shopping will begin.
The 'calendar'. Each month I will put up a new page and jot down milestones on the little calendar and then the page goes into an album for the baby that will have photos from that month on the facing page.
Zooming out.
The 'change station'. We used dresser we already had, which is perfect for the cloth diapers. Then I painted shelves we had found at a garage sale and Jason put them up. Everything is right on hand. The long yellow 'wet bag' is for the cloth diapers. The Diaper Genie is for those disposable diaper days and baby wipes.
I still need to perfect the dust ruffle, but it works for now. The baskets are for simple storage.
I took a picture of Jason and myself as babies and framed them for the room. This is Jason's.
This is mine. On the top of the shelf will be the iPod speakers (they are in the labour bag right now) as well as the clock, and this beautiful book made for me by a dear 'birth warrior' as I wait for our little one to arrive.
The shelf in the room. I have always been obsessed with childrens books so the 'board book' collection has been growing steadily. Not that I buy just any board books out there. I love the classics.
These shelves are our garage sale find. Yay! I have used a lot of baskets in the room and was already getting frustrated with not remembering what was in each basket, so I have hung little labels from each basket. To the left of the lower shelf is a musical wall hanging that was Jason's when he was a baby. It plays the Brahms Lullaby. On the bottom shelf is a little cup that has a comb and brush in it. This was also Jason's cup when he was little. Love using these things in the room.
The first of the stuffed toys. LOVE the little sweetpea in a pod from Auntie Lori.
The place where we will be spending a lot of time rocking. The afghan is lovingly made by our 'adoptive parents' out here in the North. Nanny Jeanne has been showering us with handmade goodness for months. Can't wait for our little one to meet her and Papa Leendert.
Hope you enjoyed the little tour.
We are ready for you, little one.
We are ready for you, little one.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The (non) Birth Plan
So, it's all over the place right now...these two words: BIRTH PLANS. It seems like an oxymoron to me. Births just can't really be 'planned', so when I mentioned this to my doctor, asking whether he wants a birth plan from us, he asked me what I thought of them. I told him that I had some opinions about what I wanted and didn't want, but to put it in a PLAN that has to come to be seems rather silly when no two births are exactly the same, so how do you PLAN them? Like usual, we are on the same page (have I said before that I love my doctor?). So he said that he tends to look at Birth Plans, or preferences as guidelines or wishes. Anything can happen and the health of the baby and Mama are the top priority. Amen.
Yesterday when I went to our prenatal appointment he asked about the Birth Plan again and I didn't have it. I said I have such a hard time writing things down because I don't want to fit this birth into a box by writing things out. It's going to be what it's going to be. I want it to be what it's supposed to be. The intern explained it quite nicely by saying that Jason and I will be so intent on the task at hand that we might not be able to share our preferences when needed, so to have it jotted down will help the medical professionals without having to bother us. Hmmm... food for thought.
So, this afternoon I sat down and fit our wishes into several categories fitting onto one page: During Labour, Labour Induction/Augmentation, Pain Relief, Delivery, and After Delivery. Now that I have things jotted down in point form, I feel a lot better and have something tangible to hand over to the doctor and it really made me re-think the whole process of birth and what is truly important to us. I realized I have more opinions about these specific categories then I thought I would.
Yesterday when I went to our prenatal appointment he asked about the Birth Plan again and I didn't have it. I said I have such a hard time writing things down because I don't want to fit this birth into a box by writing things out. It's going to be what it's going to be. I want it to be what it's supposed to be. The intern explained it quite nicely by saying that Jason and I will be so intent on the task at hand that we might not be able to share our preferences when needed, so to have it jotted down will help the medical professionals without having to bother us. Hmmm... food for thought.
So, this afternoon I sat down and fit our wishes into several categories fitting onto one page: During Labour, Labour Induction/Augmentation, Pain Relief, Delivery, and After Delivery. Now that I have things jotted down in point form, I feel a lot better and have something tangible to hand over to the doctor and it really made me re-think the whole process of birth and what is truly important to us. I realized I have more opinions about these specific categories then I thought I would.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Nesting...again...
At our prenatal appointment today the doctor asked how the 'nesting' was going and my face kind of fell. I've not had the nesting instinct for a few days now. I am just TIRED. He seemed happy about that...said it was normal at this stage to just want to 'be' and 'get it over with already'.
For those of you who are expecting right now or hope to be in the future, you will get to the point where you are curious about natural ways to induce labour and interestingly enough the doctor brought this up and basically said that the baby will come when it is ready, but proven induction methods that he has seen work are: Sex, sex, and lots more sex. Something in the semen causes the cervix to thin and dilate. Hmmm... ;) Another method he has seen work to aide in labour (perhaps not cause it, but to prepare the uterus)is raspberry leaf tea or tablets. Other then that he says to just 'wait' and stay far, far, FAR away from castor oil (which I wasn't going to go near anyhow). Why, you may ask? This is what he told me: It not only causes strong contractions, but with it usually comes severe diarrhea (that continues throughout labour, not being pleasant for the Mama, the Papa, medical professionals OR the baby because of the embarrassing mess it leaves everywhere)which can cause dehydration, obviously causing even more issues. So, we'll just stick to the more 'fun' methods of labour induction and stay away from the castor oil.
Like I was saying, the nesting instinct seems to have left me, until this evening for some reason. Jason is exhausted and just came to kiss me goodnight. That has only happened a few times in our marriage...usually I am the one kissing him goodnight and am off to bed long before he is. Tonight it's he who is saying 'I can't stay up any more. I tried. I am going to bed.' Tonight all of a sudden I had this NEED to have the throw pillows on the couches fluffed and placed just right (I don't normally care). I had to have the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded and whatever didn't fit, I washed by hand so the counters would be clear (I highly dislike hand washing dishes). I checked over the baby room to make sure everything is in its place and then strategically placed my folder of 'birthing info' on the counter by my cell phone and purse. Hmmm...strange, no?
I also had the most amazing phone call with my sister-in-law today and was able to openly share some of my thoughts on faith and spiritual growth and strength and such things in regards to labour, delivery, and beyond. I felt heard and understood and lifted up...like there was this strength built up in me in just voicing my thoughts and hearing her similar thoughts on the topic. It felt really good and 'safe' and 'unsafe' all at the same time. Love moments like that.
It is time for me to think about getting to bed because if tonight should be the night that I go into labour, I do need my rest. Oh how sweet it would be if this was the night...that THIS was it...
For those of you who are expecting right now or hope to be in the future, you will get to the point where you are curious about natural ways to induce labour and interestingly enough the doctor brought this up and basically said that the baby will come when it is ready, but proven induction methods that he has seen work are: Sex, sex, and lots more sex. Something in the semen causes the cervix to thin and dilate. Hmmm... ;) Another method he has seen work to aide in labour (perhaps not cause it, but to prepare the uterus)is raspberry leaf tea or tablets. Other then that he says to just 'wait' and stay far, far, FAR away from castor oil (which I wasn't going to go near anyhow). Why, you may ask? This is what he told me: It not only causes strong contractions, but with it usually comes severe diarrhea (that continues throughout labour, not being pleasant for the Mama, the Papa, medical professionals OR the baby because of the embarrassing mess it leaves everywhere)which can cause dehydration, obviously causing even more issues. So, we'll just stick to the more 'fun' methods of labour induction and stay away from the castor oil.
Like I was saying, the nesting instinct seems to have left me, until this evening for some reason. Jason is exhausted and just came to kiss me goodnight. That has only happened a few times in our marriage...usually I am the one kissing him goodnight and am off to bed long before he is. Tonight it's he who is saying 'I can't stay up any more. I tried. I am going to bed.' Tonight all of a sudden I had this NEED to have the throw pillows on the couches fluffed and placed just right (I don't normally care). I had to have the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded and whatever didn't fit, I washed by hand so the counters would be clear (I highly dislike hand washing dishes). I checked over the baby room to make sure everything is in its place and then strategically placed my folder of 'birthing info' on the counter by my cell phone and purse. Hmmm...strange, no?
I also had the most amazing phone call with my sister-in-law today and was able to openly share some of my thoughts on faith and spiritual growth and strength and such things in regards to labour, delivery, and beyond. I felt heard and understood and lifted up...like there was this strength built up in me in just voicing my thoughts and hearing her similar thoughts on the topic. It felt really good and 'safe' and 'unsafe' all at the same time. Love moments like that.
It is time for me to think about getting to bed because if tonight should be the night that I go into labour, I do need my rest. Oh how sweet it would be if this was the night...that THIS was it...
Let it be known...
...that on May 4, 2010 it is snowing up a storm outside my living room window. Wouldn't THIS just be the 'perfect' day to go into labour? Snow. Slippery roads. Snow. Husband in an important College Course all day long. Snow. Slippery roads. Snow. Wait...did I say it was snowing? Just making sure...
I DO have to go out to our prenantal appointment today (without J--this is only the second appointment he will not have gone to), so I am praying that the roads will be safe and all will be well...
I DO have to go out to our prenantal appointment today (without J--this is only the second appointment he will not have gone to), so I am praying that the roads will be safe and all will be well...
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Natural Labour Induction Methods
So, I'm curious...I was talking to a friend of mine about labour and delivery and we started talking about natural ways to try to induce labour. She tried 15 natural methods, none of which worked for her in the end because, like we already know, babies come when they are good and ready, yet somehow in the last 2 weeks of pregnancy us Mamas are READY to meet our little miracle. Still, I am curious as to what forms of natural labour induction you've heard of or tried that worked or didn't work. I know that some methods are considered by some to be controversial and I have a few in my mind that we will be staying away from, but would still love to hear any and all methods that you have heard of no matter how kooky. ;)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Lullaby and Good Night
Today I was having some quiet time in the baby room. Just me and the baby (still inside my womb), a cup of tea and my thoughts. Those thoughts went to lullabies and prayers and I realized that most lullabies and children's prayers I know are in German and I wondered what the English speaking world heard from their Mama's and Papa's when they were growing up?
Shortly after we announced to family that we were expecting a baby, a package came in the mail from Jason's Mom (Nana) and in that package were a few of Jason's baby items from years ago. One was a little musical wall hanging that plays the Brahms Lullaby. On almost a daily basis, for the past number of weeks I have sat in the baby room, gliding on the glider, and held the wall hanging to my belly and played the Brahms Lullaby for our little one and he or she always responds to the music. I have played the Jewel Lullaby CD and nothing special happens, but this Brahms Lullaby seems to do the trick. How sweet.
So, my question to you is this: What lullaby and/or prayer do you remember the most from your childhood or what is the one you sing/sang the most to your child(ren)? Leave a comment and share your memories. I am wanting to make a prayer/song book for our little one and would love to hear your favourites.
Shortly after we announced to family that we were expecting a baby, a package came in the mail from Jason's Mom (Nana) and in that package were a few of Jason's baby items from years ago. One was a little musical wall hanging that plays the Brahms Lullaby. On almost a daily basis, for the past number of weeks I have sat in the baby room, gliding on the glider, and held the wall hanging to my belly and played the Brahms Lullaby for our little one and he or she always responds to the music. I have played the Jewel Lullaby CD and nothing special happens, but this Brahms Lullaby seems to do the trick. How sweet.
So, my question to you is this: What lullaby and/or prayer do you remember the most from your childhood or what is the one you sing/sang the most to your child(ren)? Leave a comment and share your memories. I am wanting to make a prayer/song book for our little one and would love to hear your favourites.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
This makes me happy:
This Easter my parents were at my brother and sister-in-law's place and my six year old niece was sitting beside my Mom drawing a picture. At first she wondered why the adult had such a big belly button but didn't say anything about it. Later when she looked at the picture she saw there was a baby inside the 'belly button' and she realized that this was a picture of me, the baby, and Anna Laura. She immediately asked Anna Laura if they could send this picture to us in the mail. Anna Laura was excited about this and agreed. A few days later we received the picture in the mail and it made my day. It now finds its place on the front of the fridge and will be kept for our little one to show him/her in years to come.
Every time I walk past the fridge I see this picture and it just makes me happy. I love the art of children.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Funny...but not so funny:
This is one of those funny stories that is funny to everyone but the person it happens to. I just told it to Jason and he thought it was hilarious. Me? I cried when I told it because I feel so stupid. So why blog about it? Well, why not?
I am 33 years old and today I got my FIRST EVER R.C.M.P. pull-over and ticket. I was driving down a road that I swear is 60 kms per hour and I swore I was going 60. Well, out jumps an R.C.M.P. officer and pulls me over. Apparently it is a 50 zone and now that I think about it, it would be one. It shouldn't be, but it is. And I wasn't going 50, or 60 for that matter, I was going 65 kms per hour. So, he asks for license and registration and of course I can't find it in the mess that our console has turned into these past months and it takes me a while to locate it. THEN I wonder, did Jason switch it out with the new one when we renewed it? I couldn't find the date and just passed it all to the officer, praying that J had remembered to do that. Otherwise it is ANOTHER ticket. He goes to his cruiser and is gone FOREVER. As I sit there I realize that I am illegally parked in a public transit stop. I thought I had pulled in front of it, but the arrow goes both ways. Ticket number 3? By this time contractions are busy doing their thing and I laugh, thinking that it would be hilarious if THIS was what brought on labour. I do my breathing exercises and wait. FINALLY the officer returns and says he is ticketing me under the Traffic Safety Act blah blah blah. I kind of smile and say 'Well, maybe THIS will put me into labour'. He looks into the truck at my belly and has this look of panic on his face and asks 'When are you due?' I get teary (not on purpose...I just do and can't stop it) and say 'It could be any day now.' His brief look of panic disappears and I know it is a lost cause, 'Well, if you are in labour I will escort you to the hospital, but you still get the ticket.' Through my tears I say that I am not arguing with him on the ticket. I obviously violated the traffic act, so I can't argue it. He doesn't know what to do with me and says 'Well, I just want you to be safe...especially in your condition'. He slaps the truck twice with his RCMP leather clad gloves and sends me off: 'Drive Safely'. DUH!!
Thankfully only one ticket. He didn't notice or chose not to notice the parking/stopping violation and the registration must have been up to date. Regardless: BOOO--URNS!! May as well just shred $89 dollars. Such a waste.
I am 33 years old and today I got my FIRST EVER R.C.M.P. pull-over and ticket. I was driving down a road that I swear is 60 kms per hour and I swore I was going 60. Well, out jumps an R.C.M.P. officer and pulls me over. Apparently it is a 50 zone and now that I think about it, it would be one. It shouldn't be, but it is. And I wasn't going 50, or 60 for that matter, I was going 65 kms per hour. So, he asks for license and registration and of course I can't find it in the mess that our console has turned into these past months and it takes me a while to locate it. THEN I wonder, did Jason switch it out with the new one when we renewed it? I couldn't find the date and just passed it all to the officer, praying that J had remembered to do that. Otherwise it is ANOTHER ticket. He goes to his cruiser and is gone FOREVER. As I sit there I realize that I am illegally parked in a public transit stop. I thought I had pulled in front of it, but the arrow goes both ways. Ticket number 3? By this time contractions are busy doing their thing and I laugh, thinking that it would be hilarious if THIS was what brought on labour. I do my breathing exercises and wait. FINALLY the officer returns and says he is ticketing me under the Traffic Safety Act blah blah blah. I kind of smile and say 'Well, maybe THIS will put me into labour'. He looks into the truck at my belly and has this look of panic on his face and asks 'When are you due?' I get teary (not on purpose...I just do and can't stop it) and say 'It could be any day now.' His brief look of panic disappears and I know it is a lost cause, 'Well, if you are in labour I will escort you to the hospital, but you still get the ticket.' Through my tears I say that I am not arguing with him on the ticket. I obviously violated the traffic act, so I can't argue it. He doesn't know what to do with me and says 'Well, I just want you to be safe...especially in your condition'. He slaps the truck twice with his RCMP leather clad gloves and sends me off: 'Drive Safely'. DUH!!
Thankfully only one ticket. He didn't notice or chose not to notice the parking/stopping violation and the registration must have been up to date. Regardless: BOOO--URNS!! May as well just shred $89 dollars. Such a waste.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Take Me In...
There has been so much going on in our lives these past couple of weeks that we can't seem to wrap our minds around all of these unknowns that seem to be coming all at once. We're trusting that everything will fall into place at the perfect time because that's all we can do. It's all out of our control.
So, when, yesterday, we were at Church and the band played Take Me In, which J and I are used to hearing by Kutless, I was completely overcome. I could only get a few of the lyrics out as I held onto Jason's hand. He was in his own place of worship: eyes closed, head turned towards heaven, praising our God. That sight usually gets me into tears as it is...seeing my husband praising and worshiping God. But allowing these lyrics to wash over me was just too much and I just let the tears flow.
Lately I have not been able to sleep without pain. I am in less pain if I am walking, standing, sitting on the couch or on an exercise ball. Lying down is p-a-i-n-f-u-l and I spend many moments at night praying that labour will come soon. It hasn't yet...but when I heard these lyrics 'Take me into the holy of holies' my thoughts went to the person who once told me that being in labour was such a holy moment. I stood there allowing the lyrics wash over me, praying that He would take me into that particular place of holies soon and that it truly will be such a time of holy of holies.
Following the Church service a well meaning middle aged woman came to talk to me and had such a negative view of birth and labour. I felt deflated. I have worked so hard at surrounding myself with strong, birth warrior type women and wrapped myself in their love and belief that labour is an amazing experience and is each woman's own experience. Jason reminded me that this person is often negative. You see negativity written all over her face in every situation and he is right. So I have been playing this Kutless song over and over whenever her negative thoughts and stories creep into my soul and it's been amazing.
I have been LOVING these past few weeks of preparing for the arrival of our little one. Not only the baby room and such things, but preparing myself emotionally and spiritually for this all. Maybe someday when I am not in the midst of this journey I will share some of these moments here, but for now they are mine and my little one's.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
37 Weeks: We've Reached Our 'Term' Date
Today marks week 37 of this pregnancy. That means I am 'at term', or rather, the baby is. Three more weeks until the due date. YAYYY!!
We're ready for you whenever you're ready for this big ole world, little one.
While we wait I am busy 'nesting' and Jason is busy putting together things that need to be put together. The latest is the stroller/car seat combo. Now just to get the car seat into the truck. hahaha. No big deal though. Right now we could just throw it in the truck if I were to go into labour and he'd install it at the hospital. Just good to know that it is out of the box. Other then that there is really not much to report on the baby front and right now that is the foremost on our minds.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Working on the Baby Room
We have been putting the finishing touches on the baby room this week. Some things will have to wait since I am waiting for some fabric that I can only find in Manitoba, so some of the 'art' and the window coverings won't be done until after the baby arrives. Last night J and I spent some time putting up the things I needed help with:
Daddy installing the $3 garage sale shelves we found last fall that were still in their original packaging. A bit of paint and it's turned into perfect storage for the changing area. He sure makes it look more difficult then it was.
Daddy proudly putting up his painting for the baby.
The 'mobile' we bought in Costa Rica last summer before we were expecting our sweet pea. We knew it would be perfect for our orange accented baby room.
Someone's all tuckered out.
Now I am on the search for a few clear or coloured glass containers that have lids for storage. Once things are more in place I will take some pictures and post a baby room post that shows what the room really looks like.
Daddy installing the $3 garage sale shelves we found last fall that were still in their original packaging. A bit of paint and it's turned into perfect storage for the changing area. He sure makes it look more difficult then it was.
Daddy proudly putting up his painting for the baby.
The 'mobile' we bought in Costa Rica last summer before we were expecting our sweet pea. We knew it would be perfect for our orange accented baby room.
Someone's all tuckered out.Now I am on the search for a few clear or coloured glass containers that have lids for storage. Once things are more in place I will take some pictures and post a baby room post that shows what the room really looks like.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
36 Weeks Pregnant
(feeling like a beached whale)I feel like I have swallowed a beach ball and that a needle could just deflate it all. If only it were that easy, right? hahaha
Today we went to our first WEEKLY prenatal appointment. That means THE END is near. Yayyy!! Things went well for the most part. Blood pressure good. No mention of protein in the urine, but there could have still been a trace like there has been for weeks. The doc and his intern were more concerned about the fact that there is a hint of a urinary tract infection. He asked if I was having any UTI symptoms. I am quite familiar with UTIs so I knew what he was talking about and I hadn't had any symptoms at all. The doctor said he'd send the urine sample off to have a culture done to see if it was in fact a serious infection, but if we were okay with it, he'd rather not treat for it if it isn't severe. The reason being? A mild UTI left untreated can put some women into labour and he has no problem with me going into labour at any moment. This baby is ready. BRING IT ON!!! If, however, there is a more severe infection he will treat for an infection. Will wait and see what the culture shows.
Other than that this was the week of the Strep B swab (fun times--blech) and the first time they checked to see if I am dilated. I am 1 cm dilated. The baby is no longer lying in a transverse position (thank you Lord--the bouncing on the exercise ball and physically encouraging the baby to scootch may have helped) and is in head down position, read to go. The baby is not yet engaged, so that means it has not dropped. I will keep bouncing on that exercise ball to encourage the baby to drop.
What else do I need to remember (these are my notes to myself for the baby bump journal entries)? Oh yes, the baby's heartbeat was so easy to hear this time around. It sounded like a galloping horse. 140 beats per minute. Two weeks ago it was 128 beats per minute. Can't follow the old wives tales with the heartbeat of this little one. They are all over the place. :-)
A doula friend of mine saw my belly today and said that something happened since last week. Before last week, from the shape of my belly, she was sure the baby was a girl. Now she is convinced that the baby is a boy. She's only been wrong on her guesses once. Can't wait to find out. Funny how the shape can change in the span of one week. I guess the moving from transverse to head down position really makes a difference, huh?Sunday, April 18, 2010
Birthing from Within
One of the books I have been reading throughout pregnancy is Pam England's Birthing from Within. I have been drawn to this book and the way of thinking it portrays and was so excited when I heard that there is a doula in town who offers Birthing from Within Prenatal Classes. Jason and I were both dreading the Health Unit's prenatal classes (mostly because we had heard from everyone that we talked to that it was a waste of time and they didn't really deal with the emotional journey that pregnancy, birthing, and postpartum include). When I saw that Birthing from Within was being offered right here in our very own city, I started to tell J a little more about this all. Of course, to him it sounded like 'granola crunching, Birkenstock wearing, tea drinking' weirdness (weirdness that is right up my alley), but it didn't take any convincing on my part to have him on board. He could see that this was something I 'needed' and he would do this for me and I just prayed that he would benefit from it as well.
This weekend was the weekend for the classes and we both went into it a bit reluctantly. Me, because I was worried about J and J because he was worried about how weird it would be. Well, it was 'different', but not weird. We both really enjoyed it even though it put us into rather 'new' and 'uncomfortable' situations. New and uncomfortable is often a good thing, right? In this case it was.
One of the many things we participated in was Birth Art and I have permission to share one J's pieces of art. This is his LabOrinth (or Labyrinth). You can click on the link I have provided to read more about LabOrinths, but this is a small quote from that link:
Mothers experience labor as a labyrinth, a LabOrinth. “Ready” or not, with the first contraction, or when the water breaks, they are catapulted across an invisible, but felt, threshold. Once in labor or in the labyrinth, steady progress is made by taking one step at a time until the Center is reached. The Center represents the birth of the child, the birth of the mother, the birth of the family. You could be blindfolded and still reach the Center by feeling your way through the path. You don't need to study the path before you enter it. You don't need a birth plan or a cell phone to call for help! There is no time-line.
Here is Jason's LabOrinth with the threshold stone and the footprints (his, of course are boots, because that is what he wears):
One other Birth Art session we participated in was to make a list of words that are important to us in the birthing process. Words that we want to envelope ourselves in. We were to use those words as a frame around our canvas. In the centre we were to draw an image of this. I chose an open doorway. No door to be open or closed, just a doorway, framed in green to represent the ripeness and readiness to give birth. The yellow representing the light at the end of the tunnel (black).
Don't get me wrong, we are both not 'artists' but even just taking the time to put down these words and images onto a canvas with pastels was so liberating and freeing in a way that 'talking' just wouldn't do. We loved the fact that no one judged our 'art'. Anything went.
So much more was covered in this class but I haven't quite wrapped my mind and heart and soul around it all, but I just had to share this little bit that we loved.
This weekend was the weekend for the classes and we both went into it a bit reluctantly. Me, because I was worried about J and J because he was worried about how weird it would be. Well, it was 'different', but not weird. We both really enjoyed it even though it put us into rather 'new' and 'uncomfortable' situations. New and uncomfortable is often a good thing, right? In this case it was.
One of the many things we participated in was Birth Art and I have permission to share one J's pieces of art. This is his LabOrinth (or Labyrinth). You can click on the link I have provided to read more about LabOrinths, but this is a small quote from that link:
Mothers experience labor as a labyrinth, a LabOrinth. “Ready” or not, with the first contraction, or when the water breaks, they are catapulted across an invisible, but felt, threshold. Once in labor or in the labyrinth, steady progress is made by taking one step at a time until the Center is reached. The Center represents the birth of the child, the birth of the mother, the birth of the family. You could be blindfolded and still reach the Center by feeling your way through the path. You don't need to study the path before you enter it. You don't need a birth plan or a cell phone to call for help! There is no time-line.
Here is Jason's LabOrinth with the threshold stone and the footprints (his, of course are boots, because that is what he wears):
One other Birth Art session we participated in was to make a list of words that are important to us in the birthing process. Words that we want to envelope ourselves in. We were to use those words as a frame around our canvas. In the centre we were to draw an image of this. I chose an open doorway. No door to be open or closed, just a doorway, framed in green to represent the ripeness and readiness to give birth. The yellow representing the light at the end of the tunnel (black).
Don't get me wrong, we are both not 'artists' but even just taking the time to put down these words and images onto a canvas with pastels was so liberating and freeing in a way that 'talking' just wouldn't do. We loved the fact that no one judged our 'art'. Anything went.
So much more was covered in this class but I haven't quite wrapped my mind and heart and soul around it all, but I just had to share this little bit that we loved.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Door to Door Salesmen NOT Welcome!!
During a moment of more intense Braxton-Hicks contractions, I notice a door to door sales-boy (couldn't consider him a man--too young) walking down the side walk. I contemplate hiding, but notice that he saw me and makes his way up to our front door. I can't just pretend I am not home. He SAW me. Besides there's music playing and it is clear someone is home.
The doorbell rings and I answer, while holding onto the wall as I wait for the contraction to pass.
The sales-boy seems rather shy, but with an attitude. He starts his sales pitch for GE and I try to listen. Finally I interrupt him and kindly inform him that I am not interested in whatever he has for us right now. He looks at me and gets angry: 'Not interested? I didn't even GET to the INTERESTING part yet.'
I smile between winces caused by these so called 'fake' contractions and respond with 'I am sure that there is an interesting part, but this is just not a good time. I am really sorry.' I oddly feel like I am talking to a Jr. High student with attitude.
He huffs and puffs--and blows my house down--no he doesn't, but he is clearly upset. I am sure I must be the 53rd person who has not given him the light of day, but I have a valid excuse. I really do. Maybe I should have just said 'This baby is pushing on my hoohoo, I've got these fake contractions that don't feel fake, and whatever GE has you selling right now is NOT important in my little world right now, so check your sour attitude and try the next house'. BUT, instead, I apologize, close and lock the door and lean up against the closed door JUST as the contraction is over.
The doorbell rings and I answer, while holding onto the wall as I wait for the contraction to pass.
The sales-boy seems rather shy, but with an attitude. He starts his sales pitch for GE and I try to listen. Finally I interrupt him and kindly inform him that I am not interested in whatever he has for us right now. He looks at me and gets angry: 'Not interested? I didn't even GET to the INTERESTING part yet.'
I smile between winces caused by these so called 'fake' contractions and respond with 'I am sure that there is an interesting part, but this is just not a good time. I am really sorry.' I oddly feel like I am talking to a Jr. High student with attitude.
He huffs and puffs--and blows my house down--no he doesn't, but he is clearly upset. I am sure I must be the 53rd person who has not given him the light of day, but I have a valid excuse. I really do. Maybe I should have just said 'This baby is pushing on my hoohoo, I've got these fake contractions that don't feel fake, and whatever GE has you selling right now is NOT important in my little world right now, so check your sour attitude and try the next house'. BUT, instead, I apologize, close and lock the door and lean up against the closed door JUST as the contraction is over.
Better than Flowers
Getting flowers from someone who loves you is always a nice gesture, but sadly enough those flowers always land up wilting and dying after a bit of time and although I love it when my husband brings flowers home, he's also learned that I often get far more excited about little gifts. Yesterday he needed to pick up a few things at Totem and I had already been walking around Walmart for an hour and a half so I decided to stay in the truck and enjoy my frappe. When he came back to the truck he kept asking me about this shed that was out there--opposite direction of where he was putting stuff in the truck. 'Did I like it? What did I think of it compared to ours?' I kept thinking 'What? We don't need a shed! We have two and one has got to go!' The topic went as quickly as it started, but I didn't think anything of it.
This morning I was making room in the back seat of the truck for groceries and handed a pile of stuff to J, not really looking at what it was. He sheepishly hands over this pink box and says that he had meant to give this to me yesterday when we got home from Totem and that the shed conversation was a way to hopefully distract me from seeing what he had bought:
Isn't it the cutest gardening set EVER? I love it and I love the fact that it is in support of breast cancer. Isn't that great? And I get to enjoy this all summer and it won't wilt and die.
Sigh.
Love this man of mine.
This morning I was making room in the back seat of the truck for groceries and handed a pile of stuff to J, not really looking at what it was. He sheepishly hands over this pink box and says that he had meant to give this to me yesterday when we got home from Totem and that the shed conversation was a way to hopefully distract me from seeing what he had bought:
Isn't it the cutest gardening set EVER? I love it and I love the fact that it is in support of breast cancer. Isn't that great? And I get to enjoy this all summer and it won't wilt and die.
Sigh.
Love this man of mine.
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