A talk about 'the girls'

Warning to dads and brothers and any other male readers who might read this...you are entering 'girl talk'. You're welcome to read and give your two cents, but be warned. ;-)

Okay, so this is the deal. 'The Girls' (a.k.a the future milk jugs for our dear baby) are getting out of control in their growth (although it is kinda nice now that they don't feel like broken glass anymore) and aren't wanting to stay in my regular sized bras anymore. So, now I am left to go shopping, but I go down the bra aisles and am LOST. So I need your advice:

1. I hear that it is a waste of money to get maternity bras and to just skip those and go straight to nursing bras. Yes? No?
2. IF I go straight to nursing bras, how do I know what size to get? If 'the girls' are just going to keep 'blossoming' in the next months AND then my milk comes in, I might be left with too small bras in any case. I don't want to be buying a ton of bras as 'the girls' get bigger. So what do I do? Are they made special so that they stretch for the milk coming in?
3. If you have had to purchase maternity bras before, what are some dos and don'ts? Name brands? Underwire? No underwire? Etc...

Would love any thoughts at all.

Christmas Cards vs Christmas Photos

This is the first year in many years that I don't think we will be doing the photo Christmas cards. Even when I was single I'd send out photo cards at Christmas. This year it seems like too much. Who will take our picture? Where will we take the picture? Everything is 'ugly' right now with only a thin blanket of snow and the dull gray and browns of a late fall as backgrounds. Not my idea of great picture taking. So, I went out and got plain old Christmas cards and it will be a plain old Christmas card kind of Christmas. Next year, though, we will be a little more on the ball and plan for some nice fall pictures with our baby. He or she will be six months old by then and it will be nice to have pictures to send out of our little family.

A Great Day

Today was one of those productive days. Got our budget back on track after not doing much with it in the past two months and was pleasantly surprised that we are still on track. Once those 'good habits' kick in, they stick around. Glad that happened, because sometimes that has not been the case for me. It was even more pleasant a surprise because we are basically living on one income right now--with a few subbing days in there for me.

Then I ran a few errands and hurried home to get ready for 'Date Nite'. Got dressed up and just as I was ready the doorbell rang. There was sweet Jason with flowers (from him) in one arm, and a rosemary plant shaped in a Christmas tree (from baby) in the other. Sooo sweet. We picked up a few things at a few hardware stores, started a bit of Christmas window shopping, and had a lovely dinner at Barcelona Steakhouse and Bar. We then came home and watched a little TV and played a game or two of dominos. Just some time for us--and I stayed awake until midnight. YAY.

A great day.

A Thursday November 19th entry just for you...

I swear that I am trying to throw this baby up today. Doesn't it know that it doesn't work that way? Can't even keep the Diclectin down.

I know. This is not deep at all, but that's all I can muster for today...

Working in a high risk H1N1 environment

Today I substitute taught in a 'new' classroom. I know most of the kids from when they were in grade 2, but I hadn't been with them as grade 3ers yet. It was suggested to me that before any subbing day starts, that I talk to the kids about washing hands and sneezing and coughing into your sleeve etc. Fend off as much 'flu' as possible and protect me and the baby from it.

So, I did that today.

AMAZING.

I began by telling them that I needed their help and I introduced them to 'the baby bump' and how important it is for ANYONE to be careful about germs etc. but how I needed their help to keep this baby safe. They were all over it. Their teacher has taught them well: Scrubbing hands with soap and water before snacks and meals, sneezing into your sleeve and if you forget to or cough into your hand, there is sanitizer at the back of the room by the kleenex box that you have to use after you use a kleenex too. WOW. This teacher is really preaching it. LOVE IT.

They were so excited about this baby and had a zillion questions. Thankfully none were 'the birds and the bees related'. Most were related to 'is it a boy or a girl?' OR 'can I see your belly button?' and 'I think your baby needs a hug'--and my belly is given a loving hug or rub. Too cute.

I am back in the same classroom tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

Let me introduce you too...

...my sexy new boots:

My new Clarks: Madison Rose long-leg boot in classic black leather. I think I'm in luv. Can't wait to wear them with my new maternity skirt and a cute shirt that shows off my baby bump. Love that skirt/boot maternity look.

Date Night

For the past number of months Jason and I haven't really gone out for dinner. Pre-morning-sickness we would go out to a nice restaurant once a month. It was our wine and dine night and we loved it. I have had a week of considerably less morning sickness (knock on wood) and actually look forward to going out to a nice sit-down dinner. A&W Mozza Burgers or Uncle Burgers don't count anymore. That was my huge craving this past month. One of the few things that would stay down--strangely enough. Now I just want a nice sit down dinner. Just me and my love.

Yesterday we were at Costco, finally picking up some much needed meat and we saw that one of the local restaurants that we have never gone to (because it seemed too expensive) has a $100 gift certificate for $75--exactly what our budget allows. Add to that a movie night deal and we are set for our next date night.

Now...to set a date...

Comfy Clothes

So, today we went out and did the first of the maternity clothes shopping. Both of us were really weirded out being in a maternity store, but as soon as I tried on a few pieces of clothing and J saw the ever present 'bump' being given a little more room and not being squished in pre-pregnancy jeans ala belly band, which was feeling ohhh so frumpy to me, he totally got into the shopping and kept bringing me more clothes to try on. We came home with two pairs of jeans. One which are dark and dressy that I can use for work and the other more for the every day. Also got a pair of lounging pants and two shirts. Yay!!! Hello week 14!!!

Vanishing Act-not quite working just yet

I had this long, rambling, very negative blog entry spewed out onto my screen and then with one quick swoop of highlighting the heated words, I clicked the delete button and it vanished into eternity. Sadly just the words and not my feelings disappeared, but this isn't the place to express my frustrations at this very moment. Especially considering I am hormonal, still fighting the flu, and feeling cooped up and alone. Not quite the best combo for writing a blog entry when you're head is in a negative space. So, I found these words instead and keep repeating them over and over and over again. Maybe by tomorrow they will have sunk in and a more positive me will emerge:

Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
(John 14:27)

Right now...

You know what I love right now? It all has to do with the fact that my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces arrived in MB from Argentina yesterday. They haven't been here in about 5 years. They are here to make their home. So, you know what I love right now?

• Talking to my brother on the phone without the "wait for my voice to reach him pauses" that international calls often require.
• Hearing the excitement in my bro and sil voices when they did a pile of necessary paper work in one morning that would have taken over a week to do in Argentina.
• Talking to Anna Laura on the phone in my broken Spanish and hearing the excitement about the little gifts we had ready for them to enjoy even though we can't be there with them just yet.
  
• Getting pictures via email from Mom and Dad so we can experience these first days with them from a distance.
• Hearing the love and excitement in my Dad's 'voice' in an email about how he got to walk down Main Street with his little girls while their parents worked on paperwork and how they are just loving every minute of time together.
  

I have to love these things right now because otherwise I just think about the fact that I can't be there right now and ohhhh sooo badly want to be.

Round Ligaments

I know. I know. Some of these pregnancy posts are probably a bit boring for the non-pregnant readers or for those who have experienced pregnancy before and this stuff that is new to me is old hat for you. But...

OH WELL...

Kidding. Well sort of. It is a 'maternity' blog, so I don't know why I feel slightly guilty about writing about our pregnancy all the time. Well, I do know why.

Because I have a huge heart for those experiencing fertility issues or have experienced the loss of their little angel(s).

Because I have a huge heart for my single friends who wish they were married and expecting a child.

Because my heart hurts for those who hurt when they read blogs like mine.

That's why I feel guilty.

BUT...that is what this is about right? The 'from here' to the 'maternity' part of life. And we're at the 'maternity'. So, then I think, well, no one HAS to go to this blog. It's a choice to come and read these pages. And I do try to salt and pepper this screen with other entries as well. So that leaves me to continue on my little pregnancy entries. And today that has to do with:

Round Ligament Pain!!

Yes. Oh the joys. Having the cold/flu right now, I am sneezing and coughing up a storm which is causing quite the round ligament pain to make itself far more evident then before. Such a strange sensation that can take me from quietly sitting on the couch, to grabbing my abdomen as another 'stab' hits. By now Jason knows that it's my uterus stretching, but the random 'jumps' were a little odd and humorous at first. Now he just rubs my belly and asks Little Pappy to treat his/her mother good.

Today we Remember

Today is a day that leaves me feeling torn in two. Don't get me wrong. I am not an advocate of war and I don't necessarily think that war is necessary and I believe that war tears apart more than it heals, BUT I have never felt 'at peace' about the 'pacifist' stance that my heritage takes. I LOVE my Mennonite heritage and the history I have, yet, this one word 'pacifism' has NEVER made sense to me. In my teenage years I even contacted the General Conference Mennonite Church 'higher ups' to try to understand things better when no one seemed to have an answer to this thing called 'pacifism'. No one could answer my questions--not even this 'Conference'.

So, from that moment on until this very day, I remain a Mennonite by heritage but not by faith. GASP. I know. Don't get me wrong, I have not turned on my faith as an evangelical Christian, but I just can't understand this one little 'take' on the New Testament that my Mennonite roots have taken. Today, a friend from high school had a neat little quote on his facebook status:

Peace is not the absence of war- it is the presence of God...

AMEN BROTHER.

So, today, Jason and I remember. We remember Grandpa Epp and all he went through during World War I as a Mennonite pacifist. We remember Grandpa Parr and the fact that he was a soldier fighting for our freedom during World War I. That same freedom that a few years later Grandpa Epp came to enjoy when they finally were able to move from Russia to Canada. Two opposite extremes. Two brave, brave men.

And how many, many more we remember today.

Today we remember.

The 'Witch'

At our last prenatal appointment I mentioned to the doctor that I am having some hip/glute muscle pain that shoots down my leg. He was surprised at how early this was starting. Later on in pregnancy this is apparently normal with the weight of the baby bearing down on things, but he said, considering all the shifting that occurs in the first trimester he isn't all too surprised. So, he suggested that I see this massage therapist that he calls 'the witch'. She seems to 'fix' people that are unfixable so he calls her 'the witch'.

Today I went and saw 'the witch' and she is the tiniest, most gentle spoken soul I have ever met. Not witch-like at all. But she does do magic on muscles, that's for sure. Seems that my years of back/neck/muscle issues and perhaps even my headaches are due to some issues in my legs and hips and glutes. NICE. I have never allowed a massage therapist to touch my legs or go below my waste line. I was 'too ticklish'. Now I realize it was probably the extreme pain even at the slightest touch that I didn't like. I sucked it up today and feel like I am going to be on the mend. I LOVED the fact that she walked me through each muscle area and what she was feeling and I knew when it was really bad, because she'd whisper 'That's just NASTY' in her sweet little voice and away she'd massage until the 'nasty' went away.

Seems I'll be starting a lot of stretches and maybe even some Pilates or Yoga to get this pelvis of mine ready to deliver this little sweet pea. Soooo glad I went so that we can get these pelvis issues taken care of now. I think I might just like this sweet little 'witch'.

Not skipping out...but wanting to...

Today would be a great day to skip the one blog entry a day for 30 days idea. My brain is too tired to create a coherent entry. I've developed a cough and the sniffles and the all over body aches feeling combined with the ever present morning sickness (all day long). So, right now I am pushing the fluids and vegging on the couch/bed. Not too exciting.

To add to my already blahhh day, it seems that my brother and sister in law and nieces, who were supposed to leave from Buenos Aires for the 'peg today, are delayed. For odd reasons, which are slowly starting to make sense, but still annoy me to no end, that no one informed them of this, they need to have TWO passports for Anna Laura to leave Argentina. They only had her Canadian passport, but need a valid Argentine one as well. Boohiss to that. So, if the authorities were correct in giving them the information they needed, they should be on the next flight out of Buenos Aires to the 'peg, which is only on Wednesday. The other bummer thing is that their cancelation insurance that they purchased doesn't cover this. Boohiss to that too. Praying they arrive in the 'peg on Thursday. Poor Melissa was so disappointed not to go on the 'Avion' to see 'Oma and Opa'. A two year old just doesn't understand things like this.

Sorry this isn't all too uplifting. Just been one of those days. Apparantly they even have those in Australia.

A Vintage Blessing

You know when you meet a person, or a couple, or a family, and your life is just blessed by them? By their friendship, their generosity, their 'realness' whether life is great or whether it stinks? Well, that is how I feel about Jason's secretary and her husband. She is the only one who remembered our angel baby when we lost 'her' with something tangible, which is what I needed at the time. Something to see, to help remember our angel. I wrote about that here. She just 'knew' what I needed at that time.

I remember the day I met Jeanne. I had been warned that she would be very protective of Jason and would really be checking me out since he is like a son to her. It just happened to be that she had her then 5 year old grand daughter at work with her that day, which made meeting her sooo easy for me. I was introduced to her and then turned to my comfort zone: KIDS. I got down on the floor with 5 year old Promise and had a little chat with her, asking her about her toys she had with her etc. Apparently that did it. Jeanne was sold on me and from that moment on Leendert and Jeanne have become our parents away from home.

A couple of years ago Jeanne said that when we are expecting a baby she has something for us that she has put away for us. Something that her kids will never inherit. Something that is close to her heart and something she wants us to have because we will cherish it and take care of it.

This past Thanksgiving, we were invited to their family dinner as per usual, and Jeanne took us down to the basement and this is what was waiting there for us:

A 1970s vintage Italian Pram.

The pram she wished for and dreamed of when she was expecting her oldest. The pram that her Mother searched high and low for and finally found.

This pram is now ours. Given to us by Nanny Jeanne and Papa Leendert. This pram will be lovingly used for our little sweet pea and taken care of for years to come. Isn't it just beautiful? Doesn't it just scream vintage? It is the perfect height for my 6 foot something husband and he can hardly wait to proudly 'stroll' down the street with it. Yes, he will 'stroll' because this pram, he says, does not 'go for walks', it 'goes for strolls'.

Here are a few more pictures of our very cherished gift:

It comes with a matching cover.

And Jeanne sewed two sheets for the mattress and included three handmade receiving blankets. And guess what? They have elephants on them--Nanny Jeanne's favourite animal. How special is that?

My new BFF...

...well, while pregnant anyhow.

Who? You ask?

It's more of a 'what'.

Diclectin.

My anti-nausea and vomiting medication. Worked wonders last night and hoping for the same today. Ready to have my life back. I want to enjoy and participate in this weekend. So much good stuff happening. Gotta enjoy it.

Getting 'shot'

Aren't these flowers so cheery? Yesterday was a sleep, be nauseous, throw up, and repeat kind of a day. At around 5 p.m. I am lying on the love seat and I look up out the picture window and there is my dear husband standing in front of it with the cutest, goofiest grin on his face, these flowers in one arm and supper he picked up in the other. I've been enjoying the cheery flowers ever since.

Today I found out that the H1N1 vaccine is available for knocked up women, so I made a mad dash to the health centre and was prepared to sit in line for hours. I had a new copy of 'Secrets of the Baby Whisperer' in my purse, ready to jump into these brand new pages that arrived in the mail today via B & A (J's bro and SIL). When I arrived, I filled out the paper work and sat down. I was about to take off my coat and sit down to enjoy my book, when my name was called and I was rushed off into a nurse's office and received extremely thorough counseling and had all my questions/fears taken care of before I was given the vaccine. I was the anal crazy pregnant lady who insisted on seeing the vial before she injected me, just to make sure it was the adjuvent free dose. It's strange. We had so adamantly decided against the H1N1 vaccine after all we had read online and heard on the news and then decided not to read anymore about the vaccine because so much of it is 'hearsay'. So we went to see our doctor for his advice on the matter and he encouraged us to get it, weighing the pros and cons and our situation into the mix. Jason and I talked about it further and considering my already weak immune system (thank you very much, cancer of 1998), being a teacher, combined with pregnancy, we felt it was in the best interest of our baby and me, to get the vaccine. Before I left for the clinic the afternoon we double checked with each other to make sure this was the right decision. As I sat in the nurses office I just prayed that I'd have this instinct to RUN if this was the wrong thing to do. Nothing. Just peace. We feel good about our decision now that it's been made. For us it was the right thing to do. And THAT coming from a couple who was adamantly against it a month ago. The funny thing is I had visions of line ups with crazy people yelling at each other, insisting that they get this vaccine. A mental picture out of a futuristic movie. True, there were security guards. True, I got a few evil looks from fellow parents with little ones, clearly wondering WHAT I was doing there. I quickly took off my coat to reveal my little baby bump, and the evil, accusing stares turned into gentle looks of 'Awe isn't that a cute bump. You're gonna have a baby!'

That was my day today. How was yours?

Prenatal Appointment #3

Yesterday we had our prenatal appointment and got to hear the baby's heartbeat (leaving an emotional Mama, teary on the table) which is a healthy 154 beats per minute. They normally don't measure the fundal height until the 16th week, but we have been curious as to whether there might be twins subletting my uterus. It runs in my family and there have been a couple of twins in the past number of years, so it is a true possibility. So they did a fundal height measurement and I was measuring at exactly 12.5 cms which is exactly spot on for the estimated delivery date. So, the likelyhood of twins, not too high right now. Dr. Langer said I'd be measuring at 13 or 14 cms if it were twins, but not to rule it out. You never know.

We had been hoping for an ultrasound before we leave for our Christmas holidays, but it seems that we have to wait until January 7th. A little sad about that. Oh well, we will get to hear the heartbeat at least one more time before we leave.

Other then that I maintained my weight since our previous appointment, which means I only gained 2 lbs in the first trimester. We were trying to keep it under 5 lbs, so we achieved that goal. YAY. Dr. Langer said that I can go ahead and gain 1 lb a week from now until I am term. YIKES. That is a lot, but guess it is quite possible.

We had a long discussion about the H1N1 vaccine and the seasonal flu shot. After our discussion it became clear to both Jason and I that the benefits of the vaccine outweigh the possible side effects and for the safety of our baby, we will be getting the vaccine. Jason can get it now already, but I have to wait until the adjuvent free one arrives. Hopefully by next week.

So, there it is. Our prenatal appointment #3 in a nutshell.

Morning sickness returns...

I am attempting to write one blog post for every day this month since it is National Blog Posting Month. Today is one of those days where I should post at the end of the day, because a lot will be happening, but we are going to get home late so I need to do it in advance.

It's been one of those slow mornings. Morning sickness has hit again. I kissed J at the door when he left for work and barely made it to the porcelain throne to throw up. Hmmm...the affects of his kisses. Kidding, of course. I had been nauseous since I got up.

In a few minutes we leave for our prenatal appointment. I hope we get to hear the baby's heartbeat this time around and get to make an U/S appointment. I have a ton of questions for the doc revolving around H1N1, the flu vaccines, teaching, and pregnancy and how these relate and are affecting our lives. Hopefully we will get some answers that are helpful. Health Link has been less than helpful in that area.

After our appointment it is off on a 2 hour drive to our rental house to install a dishwasher and then a two hour drive back home. Yawn. I am tired already.

Hope you are having a wonderful Wednesday.

BBQ Beef Brisket

A couple of my facebook peeps asked for my BBQ Beef Brisket recipe that I tried out yesterday. I thought I'd post it here because then it's also easy for me to find later on when I forget where I found the recipe and what changes I made to it to make it work for us. This comes from an actual recipe (Fix it and Forget It: Feasting With your Slow Cooker: page 105), but I made changes to it so that it would work for us and the ingredients we had in the house. Now that I look at the original recipe, I totally went off the beaten path, BUT it was a DELICIOUSLY yummy beaten path. lol

BBQ Beef Brisket

• 4-5 lbs Beef Brisket (I have looked for this cut in the store for years and can't find it, so I just used a regular beef roast from Costco--the one that come in packs of three. I am sure it's not 4-5 lbs. though. Now that I have read more about the brisket cut, I am glad I used a regular roast. Regular roasts are lower in fat and we are always watching our fat intake around here. I think if a true brisket cut was being used you wouldn't have to cut or shave the beef as I have indicated below.)
  
• Season the roast with garlic powder and seasoning salt.
• Place beef in slow cooker and add 1/2 cup of water to the bottom of the slow cooker.
• Cook on low 8-10 hours.
• During the last hour, take the beef out of the slow cooker, remove the juices. I saved them to make gravy for mashed potatoes.
• Slice the beef into thin slices, or shave it if possible. Sometimes it just falls apart and that is great too.
• Put the beef back into the slow cooker and pour over one 480 ml bottle of 'Compliments' (from IGA) Kansas City Style Smokey Barbeque Sauce. Mix up the BBQ sauce and beef mixture so that it is smothered.
• Allow to cook in the slow cooker on low for one more hour to heat through.

I served the beef with mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and buns. Jason put the beef on a bun like a sandwich and just raved about it. I enjoyed it plain with my mashed potatoes. Both were beyond yummy.

End of First Trimester Celebrations

I am in my 13th week of pregnancy and last week was THE WEEK. The week where I felt so much better. No 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon. No 9 p.m. bedtime. I actually stayed awake until 11 p.m. reading a novel one night. I even made dinner which included all four food groups and even ate it. I made Jason's lunch for him to take to work the other day. That hasn't happened in two months.

Do you think this is it? The end of the first trimester going into the second trimester 'feeling better' stage? OH I HOPE SO. Sure, there are still little things that are annoying, but oh so worth it and oh so loving them. My ever growing boobs and boob soreness hasn't let up. The painful gas. Ohhh the painful gas. The threat of gagging when opening the fridge. It's still all there and it's all good. I am not complaining. I need little signs to show me that all is well, but the fatigue, nausea and vomiting were getting a little old as it all intensified these past 4 weeks.

Here's to all great 2nd trimester things. So, raise your wine glasses in "cheers" as I hold up a glass of generic sparkling raspberry pop in a wine glass just to trick myself into thinking that I am actually enjoying a glass of wine.

Oh and these pictures are pictures of the first little signs of 'nesting' around here. Burp cloths I made that were supposed to be baby shower gifts, but they aren't 'perfect enough' so we are going to keep them. Good enough for our baby's burb ups. I'll be having to make a whole lot more of these in the future, but this is a start.

Pregnancy Month Three

THE THIRD MONTH:

October 2009

On Monday October 5th we had our second prenatal appointment with Dr. Langer. The blood test results from our last visit indicate that everything is going well. The only concern is the fact that for some odd reason the rubella vaccine I had as a child did not stick, so I am not immune to German measles. There is nothing we can do about it right now and the doctor said that the chance of something going wrong because of this is slim due to the fact that German measles is so incredibly rare. We will just continue to pray for your healthy development and a safe arrival. As soon as I am able to I will have the booster shot to make sure we don’t ever have this problem again. Other than that, the nurse tried to find your heartbeat with the Doppler machine, but all we heard was the whooshing of the placenta. You were hiding behind it, but we trust that your heartbeat is strong and that you are doing well.

This month the word that describes me best is nauseous. Up until about week 8 I was able to keep nausea at bay by eating snacks ever few hours and drinking enough water. Now nothing seems to help and I have had a couple of moments of vomiting and quite a few moments of dry heaving. I am tired a lot and feel a lot better if I have a nap during the day. The doctor was happy to hear that the nausea is increasing because this means my body is creating the hormones needed in order to sustain the pregnancy. Although it doesn’t feel good to feel sick to my stomach all the time, I am grateful that everything is going well.

Later on in the month seemed to mark the beginning (and hopefully also the end) of true morning sickness for me. The nausea has stepped up, but with it has come vomiting. Usually I can keep it to myself but there are times when it is so severe that I am sure someone outside of the house can hear me retching. Daddy has been great, cleaning up after me when I just don’t make it to the sink in time. I keep telling him I will clean it up, but he insists that he can do it and jokes that he’d rather clean up vomit then dirty diapers when you come along. A sweet and loving Daddy you have—but I think he has a few dirty diapers coming his way.

We received a package in the mail from your Nana and Papa earlier this month. It was a beautifully wrapped box filled with little items that were your Daddy’s when he was a baby. Included were a handmade baby shawl, a baby cup, and a musical wall hanging. I am already imagining the perfect places for each of these items in your nursery. I love the fact that some of your Daddy’s baby items will be a part of your room. How incredibly special that Nana saved those for you. I also talked to Oma on the phone recently and I asked her what she was doing and she said ‘knitting’. I asked what she was knitting and she remained quiet, so, little one, it seems that Oma is making something special for your arrival. I can’t wait for all the little homemade things she is making for you.

Growing up I had two brothers and one sister. Your Daddy had one brother and one sister. We would love to have three or four children, but since we are a little older we will settle for two and maybe three. We have already been looking at baby names for you, but have decided to keep all ideas a secret. We’ve asked a few people what kinds of names they like, but everyone is quite tight lipped about their ideas for a name for you, so we’ve settled on Jehosephat Sherman Isbrand Parr if you are a boy. Just trying to keep your grandfathers’ names in the family. Hahaha. Oma’s reaction to this was ‘Have you heard of the song A Boy Named Sue?’ I guess she feels you’d get teased a lot of we named you this. But, it’s been fun coming up with silly names for you.

By the end of this month I was so thankful that the first trimester was over. Promise of less nausea and vomiting, seeing a real belly instead of ‘feeling fat’, and loving the return of more energy and most of all the risk of miscarriage decreases immensely, and for that we are thankful.

We look forward to hearing your heartbeat at our next prenatal appointment, our little sweet pea and can’t wait to see you on an ultrasound. The more time goes by, the more you are making your presence known and oh how we love you!

All my love,
Mama

Pregnancy Month One & Month Two

I've been keeping a running little letter to our little sweet pea each month about our pregnancy experience and thought I'd share the letters with you, while posting some belly pics of the first two months of pregnancy. The third month letter is complete as well, but I need a new belly picture and will take one before going to church tomorrow and then hopefully post sometime after that.

THE FIRST MONTH:

September 8, 2009

Your Daddy and I have been dreaming of this moment for a while now. We’ve been reading and taking my basal body temperature and praying that at the right moment, you would be conceived. The day I thought you were coming was Monday August 31^st. I didn’t know for sure but had this ‘feeling’ that I can’t explain. Some call it a Mother’s Intuition. The remainder of this week I felt a suspicious pulling in my lower central abdomen and by the end of the week I felt queasy between 11:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. and relished any afternoon nap I could steal.

I found out the good news on Saturday September 5^th at 6:32 a.m. when your Daddy and I were staying at the Sheraton Inn in Calgary where we had attended a wedding the night before. My first reaction was a silent whispered Thank you, Jesus as I took the home pregnancy test, a newborn baby sleeper, and a book I had purchased for this occasion, to your sleeping Daddy. I broke the happy news to your dad by snuggling up to him and laying the newborn baby sleeper on his chest and showing him the two lines on the home pregnancy test. The first thing he said was something to the effect of ‘it says PREGNANT’ and he kissed me and hugged me and looked at the tiny sleeper I had given him and immediately called you his Little Poppy Seed. Then we talked and dreamed of you and as I was about to fall asleep again (it was early, remember?) your precious Daddy prayed a prayer of blessing over you and me and our growing family. Asking the Lord to keep you always near to Him and that you would come to love and follow Him in time too.

Lots of love,
Mama

Just a bit of bloating at week five.

THE SECOND MONTH:

A LOT more bloating by 8 weeks. The baby isn't big enough to 'show' at 8 weeks, but pants sure grow tighter. I've really been thankful for the belly band that I can wear over my unbuttoned pants at this point. Boy do I look tired.

October 4, 2009

On Tuesday September 8^th Daddy and I went to the clinic for our first prenatal appointment. Another pregnancy test was done to confirm the pregnancy and it came back positive and the doctor thinks you will be born around May 16, 2010, right around your Auntie Violette’s birthday! The doctor asked Daddy and I a lot of questions about our health and family history because we want to make sure that you are safe and grow up to be healthy. The doctor also sent me to the hospital to do the first prenatal blood work. I was sure I was going to faint when they took the blood, but I kept my cool and was just fine. I just made sure to eat something as soon as I got back to the truck. It was about 1:30 p.m. by this time, so I was having my usual bout of mild cramps, nausea and tiredness. When I got home I had a nice long nap which made me feel a lot better. Because we are so early along in this pregnancy we have decided to wait a few weeks before telling family the happy news. We will wait to tell friends until the 12th week of pregnancy.

This Month, the words that describe me are tired and crampy. With so many invisible changes happening in my body, things are stretching in order to make room for you to grow, I am left feeling tired. These days, the food I crave the most are anything salty: ham and potatoes, Lipton chicken noodle soup, chips (but they seem to upset my stomach), and popcorn rice cakes. The food that made me feel most nauseous is raw meat in any and all forms (gag). I have the worst cramps between midnight and 1 a.m. every night. This really scared me the first time it happened, but now I just quietly get up, so as not to disturb your Daddy, warm up a barley bag for my lower back, walk around the house for a bit, and pray for you, little one. When the cramps subside I quietly sneak back into bed and fall asleep again. Your Daddy is so sweet. He usually comes to bed later than I do, but he always squeezes me three times to say ‘I love you’ and has done this since we got married, but now he squeezes me and then he finds my lower abdomen and squeezes ‘I love you’ to his little Poppy Seed. He has been calling you his little Poppy Seed and his Sweet Pea often, bending down and talking to you through my belly. You are too tiny to hear him or know what is going on, but already we love you so deeply, precious one.

At six weeks we called Nana and Papa and all of your aunts and uncles and cousins to tell them that you are going to be joining our growing family. Everyone was so excited. Aunt Angela prayed on the phone for your healthy and safe arrival. Oma and Opa had already guessed that you were going to be an addition to our family so we had told them earlier, but got to call everyone else who were all super excited about this news. You are so deeply loved, little one.

All my love,
Mama

from "here"...

...to maternity. Yes, that is the title of this blog that I started one year ago today. One year ago today we were in such a tender place. Just having found out that I was expecting, and in the subsequent days learning that I was miscarrying. This has been a year of questions, wonderings, and much healing.

Sometimes, in the strangest ways, things come full circle and today is one of those days where a year ago I couldn't even imagine being in the same place that I am today.

I am in my 12th week of pregnancy!! Yes, we have moved from 'here' to 'maternity' and are loving, LOVING this new phase in our lives. We had decided to make this news public upon the 12th week since chances of miscarriage tend to go down at this point. That was our decision over 8 weeks ago when we found out that I was pregnant, but lately it seems that Daddy is bursting to tell everyone and has let it slip a couple of times. I find it ueber cute that he has been the one to 'slip' the news. Don't get me wrong...I am ready to burst with the news too. I had decided to wait until Sunday to post this on my blog, but I just can't wait anymore. teeheehee

The first evidence of our little sweet pea.
The second line appeared before I even finished peeing on the stick!!

No worries. There will be many a new post coming in the next little while. I have been writing and saving my thoughts to be posted after the 12 week mark passed, but right now it is time for a nap ;)

Countdowns

I am in need of some 'countdowns' to make the next little while go by a little faster. Things seem to have come to a halting s-l-o-w-d-o-w-n around here. Usually counting down to something helps the time to go faster. So, two exciting things to count down to are:

#1 My brother and sister-in-law and niece's move back home to Canada:



#2 We won't be able to see them until we go home for Christmas, so I've got to countdown to that too:



If I were still a little girl, I'd find construction paper and make links with the amount of days left until these special events and rip one off the chain every morning, but I'm not, so I won;t :)

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

This post comes a few days late, but my mind has been busy remembering and missing and loving our little one that we lost to miscarriage almost a year ago. October 15th was National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day and I was remembering our little angel and all the other angels that have been lost to heaven. We love you, sweet angel of ours.

Snow and Thanksgiving

There's at least an inch of snow on the ground right now and although it is pretty and although I feel all warm and fuzzy about it and it is so cozy in our house, it's still only OCTOBER 8TH!! I am hoping that it will melt before Saturday because I still need to take out all the plants from the flower beds and put bulbs in for the spring. YIKES.

Thinking a lot about family this week...it being Thanksgiving (here in Canada) and all. It will be a quiet weekend for us since we don't have family near by but am filled with so many things I am thankful for. I am sure we'll have our own little Thanksgiving meal and I can hardly wait to taste the stuffing. OH YUMMY.

Wishing you a blessed Thanksgiving!!

The Gifts of Imperfection

The author of one of my favourite books and favourite blogs to stalk is Brené Brown and guess what? She has a new book coming out in the near future sometime!!! The funny thing is that it is exactly what my SIL and I have been talking about lately. The fact that we are 'Recovering Perfectionists'. I can't wait to get my hands on this new book and learn more about this gift of imperfection.

Simple Sassy Salmon Recipe

You know when you come across a recipe and you are just blown away by its yumminess? Mmmm that was me today when I made this Simple Sassy Salmon dish:

• 1 tablespoon butter, melted (I used low fat margarine)
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon mustard
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1 tablespoon brown sugar
• 1 tablespoon garlic powder (I used crushed garlic instead)
• 1 pound salmon fillet

Combine the melted butter, vegetable oil, Worcestershire sauce, honey, mustard , brown sugar, and garlic powder in a large bowl. Whisk to combine. Reserve 2 tablespoons marinade for basting. Place the salmon in a shallow dish and pour the remaining marinade over. Cover and chill for 45 minutes.

Preheat the oven's broiler and set the oven rack about 5 inches from the heat source.

Broil salmon for 12 minutes, brushing occasionally (I brushed every four minutes and then at the last round of four minutes, I sprinkled parsley over top of the glaze, just to make it pretty) with the reserved marinade. Salmon is done when it is glazed from the marinade and flakes easily with a fork.

Hint: When baking or broiling fish I always line the pan with tin foil for easy clean up. Nothing worse than scrubbing pans after a great meal, so why bother?

'Good'

Summer temperatures have given way to that 'fall feeling'. Chilly winds, leaves turning from their luscious green to their crisp yellows, oranges, and browns, the furnace kicking in a few times during the day and night, and a possibility of SNOW on the weekend. Crazy, I know.

With the coming of fall, comes the start of school and this year has been the most enjoyable, least stressful that it has ever been. I've been substitute teaching and it has been absolutely lovely. I am only signed up at one school and don't have the stress of the 6:30 a.m. automated phone calls from the other two school districts. It has been perfect. Do I miss having my own classroom. Yes. Well, only sometimes. After a day of subbing I always go home thankful that I can just leave it there and not think about it anymore.

This subbing schedule has also allowed me to take a business trip to Edmonton with J and I loved zipping around the city trying to cross things off my little shopping list. Can I just say that I love the fact that Bath and Body Works has made it to the Great White North? We have yummy smelling soaps around here again. Love that.

So, these past weeks I've been enjoying the subbing schedule, scrapbooking baby books for my BFFs twins, making baby gifts for the many babies that are due in the next six months, re-learning how to lead a 'care group' and re-learning how to 'just be' and letting go of the 'you must do this and this and this and THIS AND THIS...AHHHH' feeling.

It's been good.

Snail Mail

I sometimes wonder whether 'Snail Mail' is a lost art and this week as I was wondering just that very thing, I received two awesome 'snail mail' surprises.

The first was a letter and CD from a friend in Hong Kong. I loved reading that handwritten script and although the CD was damaged in the trek out here, it didn't ruin the wonderful feeling that you get when you go through the stack of bills and flyers and find a handwritten envelope waiting just for you.

The second was a letter from my hometown and I recognized the address immediately. I jumped up and down in excitement, flipping the envelope over to open it there was a cute little note that said 'Better late than never...' and inside was a Christmas card that hadn't made it out in time. Now isn't THAT THE BEST? J didn't read the note on the envelope and just thought it was here super early and said that I had been beat with Christmas cards this year and didn't have them out FIRST. lol

Isn't it the best when you get handwritten snail mail in the mail? I think so.

Busy, but good...

Wow! It's been so busy lately. Absolutely no time for blogging.

My parents were here for over a week and it was WONDERFUL to have them here.

Dad and J built a garage:


Mom and I varnished and stained doors in the beautiful outdoors:


Mom and Dad finished the trim in the house and it looks FANTABULOUS:


And we also took a few breaks for relaxation, shopping, the county fair, and teaching Mom and Dad how to golf:

J and I also had a wedding we went to this past weekend and it was great to celebrate Nate (an old friend of J's) and Moira's wedding. The guys were 'themselves' as usual ;)


It also just happened to be that most of my family was in the Calgary area during this weekend so we all took a little bit of time in our busy schedules to have some ice cream together. It was short, but good to see everyone (minus the ones still in Argentina) and catch up--even if it was extremely brief.


Things are good...

Being Held Dear

It's rather difficult to see, but in the above picture is an old crystal ring holder. I have three of them in various locations around the house. There are times where my rings have to come off during the day and I don't like to just leave them lying around. A while back I found the little crystal ring holder my grandparents gave me when I was little and placed it on my dresser to hold my rings in those times where they needed to come off. When Grandma was hospitalized and some of her belongings were gone through and divided amongst children and grandchildren, I requested her ring holders and they are now found around our home. They aren't anything like the modern ring holders you can purchase these days, but they have that bit of 'vintage' to them and every time I look at one or place my ring on the holder, I think of Grandma Epp. I love those little reminders of the people we love and the things they once used and may have held dear. Now I am holding them dear.

The Farmer's Market

This year we don't have a garden and what do have, hardly counts as much (see here). So the other day J comes home at lunch with a bag of goodies from one of the farmer's markets he drove past on one of his work road tours. Nothing like fresh carrots for carrot sticks and zucchini? I can never get enough. The one he brought home was HUGE and made enough shredded zucchini for three various recipes. Yayyy to zucchini in the freezer. I hope to find some more zucchini in the next few weeks and get the freezer stocked up for the winter. And my sweetheart also brought me green beans. Now THAT is love--he doesn't like beans at all. I hope that my Mom and I have a chance to go to a farmer's market when they are out here to visit. I just love farmer's markets and out here they have one that runs all year long. I just always forget to go.

Our $20 Pepper

Last year we had a wonderful greenhouse garden and so enjoyed the produce that we got from it. This year we don't have that greenhouse access and our yard doesn't have a garden. We happened upon some large pots at a garage sale and purchased them, deciding to spend about $20 on pepper and tomato plants and go the route of container gardening, which I had done on an apartment balcony before. All but one tomato plant did not make it (because my dh didn't know that he needed to buy patio plants and not regular ones and his dear wife didn't know he was picking up plants so she couldn't tell him that--live and learn, right?). The pepper plants are looking good, but having had frost twice already I am not sure that the little nubby peppers on those plants will get big enough to harvest. So, here we are: $20 dollars later we have ONE very expensive pepper!! It's become quite the joke around here. Perhaps next year or the year after we will have a real garden, until then we will savour the taste of this very expensive pepper.

Linky Love

The bookmarks on our computer are getting rather lengthy, so I thought I'd add a few of the links to my blog to share with all of you (and shrink my bookmark lists). A few things I've added:

• Blogs I follow has a few new additions, one is Pacing the Panic Room,which is a blog written by a photographer and story teller named Ryan who writes candidly about the building of his family. Love seeing a Daddy's perspective. Check out the maternity series. Amazing photos and journaling by a dad-to-be.

• Preconception and Pregnancy links that I have found are useful or will be useful in the future.

• The Baby Years is a place for links of places I have found and will find that are helpful in those baby years. Right now it's just a list of baby food idea sites. I am sure that over time this link list will grow.

• Miscarriage Support is a section for links that I found helpful when going through our miscarriage and the healing that needed to take place when traveling this journey.
  

Happy Thoughts

Workin' on thinking those wonderful happy thoughts that are so hard to think on when everything just seems to annoy you to no end. In reality I only had one day of unhappy thoughts but even one day of those can be long. After having a day like this, I was reminded of Daniel--you know, the Daniel in the Lions Den Daniel. THAT Daniel. He was a victim of circumstances that were completely beyond his control. He lost his freedom, his home, his culture and his friendships. He had to learn to speak a foreign language and live in a place he never wanted to be (ahem--sounds familiar). Daniel could have focused on the these things--things out of his control, but instead he decided to think about the things he most deeply valued and decided to honour God instead--even in the small things. You see, Daniel made this choice. He chose to honour God and through it all was blessed. So, I am choosing happy thoughts. I am choosing not to be annoyed by the little things and find the joy in them instead. Like the $2.20 cents I made today while doing laundry. Instead of being annoyed at the pockets that had not been emptied, I chose to find the humour in it and consider the $2.20 as my 'pay' for doing the laundry. Yay laundry day. Wonder what I can buy for $2.20.

Worth it?

Sometimes I get so tired of these renovations we are doing and dream of a non-renovation life that would leave us time to go camping and fishing and golfing and time to enjoy our back yard with friends.

On Friday we went out to the pitch'n'putt and had such a good time doing something together that was not renovation related. We came home and watched 'Twilight' (sweet husband put up with it for me) and just 'were'. I had missed that. The 'just being' part of life. I love 'just being' from time to time. Then on Saturday we spent the day on the golf course at a tournament and it felt so good to go out.

That ended pretty quickly when we got home and were going to lay rebar for the garage pad. It started raining, so we worked on inside stuff instead. My job: to stain the solid wood doors we got a while back. NIGHTMARE. The lovely two days we had ended just as quickly as they went by. NEVER AGAIN do I want to do wood trim/doors in a house. MDF prepainted all the way. I don't care how much solid wood might look better. It is not worth the stress and tears and 'hard on yourself' garbage that the do it yourself solid wood/stained/varnish gets you. I land up having to do the nightmare of staining and varnishing and then when it looks like crapola, who feels to blame? Me. Four and a half doors to go plus the trim in 3 bedrooms and 2 baths.

Please tell me it will be worth it and that we are doing this so that we can move home faster. Please remind me that we will get our money's worth back in the end. Please remind me that renovations are hard on everyone who does them. Please tell me that this WILL BE WORTH IT, because right now it sure doesn't feel like it.

Baby's First Year - A Month by Month Account

I've been busy creating a few baby albums this past week. Here's a sneak peak with a few pictures. Click on each picture to link you to a detailed description and more photos:

Baby Dreaming: The Crib

Since I don't feel the need to have the complete 'matching' crib set, I am curious about something. What are your thoughts on crib bumpers. Are they a necessity? Did you find you had to have a crib bumper? If you did have one, did you think it was needed? If you didn't have one, did you wish you had had one? Which crib accessories were a must for you?

Baby Dreaming: Swaddling

I see my friends swaddling their babies in regular baby blankets and notice that they can usually find their way out of their blanket, so I started looking into swaddling and found all sorts of swaddling options out there. I LOVE this idea from The Woombie. A friend of mine was having trouble with swaddling her twins. They kept finding their way out of their blankets, and precious Grace, was scratching her face at night, so she purchased a Woombie for each of them and she says they sleep amazingly. They are able to stretch and move around within it, but are snug as a bug in a rug. It's as though the Woombie comes on and they know it is time to sleep. LOVE this and will have to get one some day.

Baby Dreaming: To Pump or not to Pump

So, I have always wondered this about breast feeding: If you're planning to breast feed and are planning to stay home with the baby and not return to work, is it necessary to purchase a breast pump? I've always wondered. Is it good to have one 'just in case'? A manual pump or an automatic one? What are your thoughts? What are your experiences with this? I am leaning towards not getting one and seeing how it goes and if I would need one then get it at that time. Maybe I am way off my rocker, I have no clue.

Blah...blah...blah...blah...blah...

I feel blah.
Unmotivated.
Uninspired.
UN-everything.
I want to eat everything in sight which goes against my aim to lose the 10 lbs I have gained in the last few months.
I am tired of renovations.
I am tired of a messy yard.
I am tired of having no heart friends out here.
I am tired of being jobless.
I am tired of this pity-party post and the fact that I was wide awake at 4:30 a.m. on Sunday morning with nothing to do so I pre-posted a blog post for over a week and am left with nothing to blog about.
But this is the real me right now...
Blah...blah...blah...blah...blah...
What I DO want to do, is hang out with my old group of friends at home.
What I DO want to do is go to Folklorama.
What I DO want to do is go to Rainbow Stage.
What I DO want to do is go camping in a place that does not dip to freezing temperatures at night.
What I DO want to do is visit the twins and their Mama.
What I DO want to do is all not in the realm of possibilities, so does anyone have any ideas of what I CAN do tomorrow to fill my day with meaning and inspiration (besides just suck it up and get on with changing my attitude? I know that part--hahaha).

Baby Dreaming: Telling Daddy

When I found out that I was pregnant, last October, it was such a surprise and I was in such shock, that I didn't even think about 'how' I was going to tell J. He basically walked into the front door and I ran over, hugged him and kissed him and blurted out the ever so surprising news. We just stood there and stared at each other and then both started boohooing because we were so thrilled. Because it WAS such a surprise, it worked out just fine that that is how it happened. But, the next time around, it won't be a 'surprise' because it will have been planned and I think we will both be a little cautious because we'll both be wondering if there will be another miscarriage. Somehow keeping a distance seems to make your heart think that you're protecting it--although I doubt this is true--it still hurts. In any case, I sometimes wonder how I would tell him the big news when the time comes. How did YOU tell 'Daddy to be' the news?

Baby Dreaming: Nursery

I used to have this grand idea that one day when I had a baby I would have the 'perfect' nursery that basically looked like it was out of a catalog. Matching crib, dresser, change table, rocking chair. The whole deal. Funny how that changes and how I am now drawn to the shabby chic style of nursery. Taking items we already have around the house and making them work for us in the nursery. I don't even have the desire to get the matching bedding. You know, the sheets, blankets, crib bumper, curtains, mobile, diaper holder, etc. etc. that all match with a cute theme. I used to want that, but for some reason I am drawn to the simple. Something that will work for a boy or a girl. Neutral. Calming. Simple. A few antiques that we already have, refinished and a simple crib that has the basic features. A baby quilt made by my Mom and photos and prints on the wall. I love looking at people's nurseries that are straight out of the catalog and think they look great, but somehow, that doesn't appeal to me FOR me. For other's it's great, but not for me for some reason. I just love checking kids' room tours at Ohdeedoh.

When we found out we were expecting, last October, one of the first things J and I did, was go into the room that would be the nursery and we started 'planning' what the room would look like. With the miscarriage, that didn't come to be, but it will some day and when it does, then I will post pictures of the outcome of our vision, but for some reason, I just need to keep my ideas close to my heart for now...so until then I keep dreaming.

Recipes

Just have to share a few recipes. One is a favourite of ours around here that I promised to share with a few people and the other was one of those 'wonder what we'll have for dinner' creations that turned out amazing!!

Chipa Muffins
(A South American Recipe)

2 eggs
1/2 cup oil
1 cup milk
3 cups Almidon (Tapioca starch/flour) (I use the MAIZENA brand of Almidon de Maiz, which works great--PAYME Foods in Steinbach has it, I think)
1 tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
1 cup cheese

Mix all ingredients, pour into a greased 12 muffin tin and bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. A delicious addition to any meal (but especially with "Guiso"). J prefers these in the mini muffin version. If you have left over muffins just make sure to warm them up before serving. They are so much better warm.

Mango Lime Pork Chops
(A 'Wonder What's For Dinner' Recipe)

4 -Pork Chops
Seasoning (I used chicken tenderizer, but anything works)
1 -430 mL jar of President's Choice Mango Lime Salsa
2 Tbsp frozen concentrated orange juice

This is what we used as our sides:
4 medium sized potatoes/sour cream
frozen corn

Put aside 1/4 of the salsa in a microwaveable dish. Add orange juice to the remaining salsa, mix and put aside. Lay pork chops on a cookie sheet lined with tin foil (just because I didn't want to scrub the pan later). Spray the tin foil with cooking spray(we use the No Name Brand stuff because it has zero fat content in comparison to some of the name brand cooking sprays, which are high in fat). Lay the pork chops on the pan and sprinkle one side with seasoning. Spread salsa on one side of pork chops. Flip pork chops over and do the same to the second side. Cover and let marinade in the fridge until ready to start the BBQ or warm up the oven (we BBQed). Start the BBQ and while it is heating up, get a head start on the baked potatoes by piercing them with a knife and putting them in the microwave for 4-5 minutes to give them a head start. Remove and wrap each potato individually in foil. When the BBQ is warmed up, put the whole cookie sheet on the grill with the potatoes on the grill beside it. Cook pork chops through. When the meal is cooked, warm up the remaining salsa in the microwave and spoon onto pork chops just before serving together with baked potatoes, sour cream, and cooked corn. YUMMMMY. Delicious with Pino Grigio.

Not too bad for a 'wonder what we're going to have for dinner' kind of day.

Baby Dreaming: Burp Cloths

I was talking to my BFF about her newborn twins and different products or items she is finding that she likes as a new Mama. One of these things was using plain cloth diapers as burp cloths. They are super absorbent and do the trick better than any other burp cloth. So I checked it out and found the CUTEST 'make and take' for cutesying these plain white burp cloths up. I think I can even do it. I am NOT the greatest with a sewing machine (just ask my Mom or look at the hem of our living room curtains compared to the dining room ones which she hemmed for me. It is truly sad), but I think I can do this burp cloth project. I might just have to try it out for a friend of ours who is having a baby in a few months.

Baby Dreaming: Baby Food

In the hopes of simplifying things and being wise with our finances, we have chosen to buy a lot of things in bulk, which often means a lot of prep time on shopping days. Packaging bulk containers of meat into smaller packages. Making hamburgers and freezing them and then repackaging them once they are frozen so that they are ready to grab out of the freezer individually. Our iced tea syrup is home made and the list goes on.

The other day I was walking down the 'baby aisle' looking for something for a baby gift when I came across the baby food. I was astounded at the price of a tiny jar of baby food. Upon arriving back at home I googled 'home made baby food' and came up with a bunch of recipes and ideas for making your own baby food. Maybe I am being completely far fetched OUT THERE. But why wouldn't I make my own? Maybe I'll be too overwhelmed and too tired and too busy to mush up and freeze individual portions of squash and peas and potatoes, but it is definitely going to be on my list of: 'must try, but it's okay if it doesn't work'.

I love this article that has a few recipes and suggestions of when to start which type of food. I think it is a great idea to make a bunch of baby food, pour it into ice cube trays, freeze it and then put the frozen cubes of mush into ziploc bags, ready to grab and throw in the microwave for baby's lunch. Will see how ambitious I will be, but at the moment it sounds like a fabulous idea.

Check out these covered trays that are perfect for the job:

Baby Dreaming: Baby Wearing

I was a 'baby wearing' child. Did you know that? My Mom would carry my sister around in her "snuggly" and I felt that I should have a 'snuggly' for my dolls as well. So, my Mom made me one. I still have it in my box of childhood treasures.It's made out of jean material and has red butterflies appliqued on it. Of course it is a mini version made for a doll, but ever since I carried my dolls around like that, I thought that some day I would use a 'real one'.

Baby carriers have come a long way since then and I see so many different ones being used. Have you ever used one? What works for you?

There are the ring slings. The pouch slings. The mei tais. The wraps. The soft carriers and sooo many more types. THIS is the one that I like the most. It just looks comfortable in all the different positions you can use it and I love the bold colours and pattern:

If you are or were (or dream of being) a baby wearing mama, what have you found that works or doesn't work?

Before and After

It was time to get a hair cut. My hair was feeling too long, too heavy, and to unmanageable and I was tired of the hippy pony tails and braids that were becoming a daily style for me. Cute, but enough was enough. I was starting to feel frumpy. So off I went and had it cut. Still thinking I'd like to go shorter, but we'll see how it feels in a week or so when the colour has faded a bit. I think part of the frumpy feeling is the extra 10 lbs I've put on this summer. Cutting hair won't change that, unfortunately. (sorry about the awkward mirror self portraits).

Simplifying Things Part Ten

This is it. The last official Simplifying Things post. It's been fun to try and brainstorm different ideas of what we do to simplify things around here. Loved hearing various ideas from blog readers as well.

Simplified Hosting: I love hosting people at our home and love it when people come for the night or a longer stay. This stresses some people out, but me? I love it. A couple of years ago I was wondering what it was in all the places I've stayed at over the years, that made it a good visit. The answer was simple: I felt at home. So then I asked myself, what made it feel like I was welcome and at home in these various places? I came to realize that it had to do with the fact that I was treated as one of the family and not a 'special' visitor that has to be waited on. It was at that moment that I decided that when we have visitors they too should feel like they are part of the family and welcome in our home. One thing we do to simplify things has to do with breakfast. We never need to inform guests that breakfast is at this and this time and make them feel like they have to get up at a certain time. Neither do I need to get up super early to 'be ready to serve breakfast' only to find out that the guests are still sleeping two hours later (which can be frustrating--could have had more sleep). So, when we have guests over for night, I put all the fixings for breakfast on the kitchen counter and show them where stuff is in the fridge, set the coffee maker on the timer, and enjoy a restful night.

A while ago I did this for friends of ours and it was perfect. He is an early riser, so he was up at 6:30 and had his coffee while some of us only got up around 8 a.m. and their daughter slept in until 10 or 11. Everyone was comfortable and felt at home enough to enjoy their morning this way. A few months later we stayed at their home (which we have done many times) and I saw that they had decided to host in this way too. They said that they had loved the laid back, at home, help yourself feeling they had at our place. Simple for me and enjoyable for them.

Another simplified hosting idea is one that my Mom told me about when they had stayed at a 'Mennonite Your Way' home. At breakfast everyone received a cloth napkin and were told that this was their napkin for the day. After breakfast a beautiful box was retrieved and in this box there were a variety of napkin holders. Everyone chose their own unique napkin holder so that they would know which was their napkin. These napkin holders had been collected on trips around the world. What a unique and eco-friendly (cloth napkins vs. paper) thing to do. Love it.


For other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two
Simplifying Things: Part Three
Simplifying Things: Part Four
Simplifying Things: Part Five
Simplifying Things: Part Six
Simplifying Things: Part Seven
Simplifying Things: Part Eight
Simplifying Things: Part Nine

Baby Dreaming: Diapers

To be honest. I am nervous about writing these 'Baby Dreaming' posts, but at the same time I ask myself 'Why are you nervous? The name of this blog is {from here to maternity}. THAT is what this blog should be about.' I am still {here}, not at {maternity} but the here is filled with so many thoughts, questions, wonderings, and dreamings. Why not share the excitement of it? To be honest? Because I am scared to. I am afraid my excitement is going to be squelched by someone. Smushed like a bug. Sure. I am going to share thoughts and questions and dreams and wonderings that I'll look back at once I've been a mom for a while and think 'What were you thinking?', but that's all part of the journey, right? The learning and discovering and re-learning of things. So squelched or squashed like a bug or not, I have enough courage to write my second 'Baby Dreaming post'. Not sure if others will follow, but for now, the courage is there.

Cloth Diapers vs. Disposable Diapers

After watching my Mom use cloth diapers on my siblings (and me too, I just don't remember it) in a tropical country where snow is never to be found (so you can imagine how hot and smelly that could get), and after poking myself umpteen times with needles when babysitting my favourite charges, as a teenager, I swore I would NEVER use cloth diapers. That is until recent conversations with my husband and later on my mother. Now I am reading about how much cloth diapering has changed. Well, I am teetering. Well, I am pretty much tottered.

Cloth diapering does not have to be all about pre-folds and pokey pins. There are so many options out there right now. And I am curious. Are there any cloth diapering blog reader's out there? What are your thoughts? Prefolds? One size? Perfect size? All in ones with inserts? Velcro? Snaps?

Here are a few with links attached so you can check them out if you wish:
BumGenius 3.0 - one size. All in one. Velcro closure.
FuzziBunz - one size. All in one. Snap closure.
Bumkins - various sizes need to be purchased. Velcro closure.
Kushies - various sizes need ot be purchased. Velcro closure.
Of course there are many, MANY other options out there. These are a few I've leaned towards in my searches.

So, I am leaning towards the one size all in ones, but don't know if that is a bad idea? I like the idea because one size of diaper gets you from birth until the toddler years. You don' t have to buy three different sizes and have a huge a mount of diapers. You can possibly get away with 30 diapers instead of 90-100, but is the fit 'good enough'? Velcro or Snaps? I am reading that the velcro sometimes wears out in the wash and that some babies and toddlers get velcro happy and the diapers come off. Do I lean towards snaps?

J and I were calculating the cost of cloth diapers vs. disposable. WOW!! Considering that we would like to have 2+ kids (the + being defined by our age, so it might not happen), it just might be worth it--and worth the environmental part for sure. I really don't mind washing an extra load every few days. True, there is a bigger start up cost, but in the end it's a WHOLE LOT less. I told J about Ali Edwards (cuz you know, we are just buddy buddy, me and her--ha--I wish) who is a cloth diapering Mama. I told him how she didn't stress out about the cloth diapering thing. They only started using them once they got settled into their routine at home and were comfortable with it. I love that concept. To go with the flow and start when you're ready. So if it's after a few weeks, great! If not until your babe is 2 months old or more, that's fine too.

So, what are your thoughts? Your dreams? Your experiences? Do share.

Simplifying Things: Part Nine

When I was single it was easy to keep track of bills and receipts. After all, there was me. One person. I was the only one who could pay them or forget to pay them. I was the only one who could lose the receipts and find them again. It was quite simple. Well, reality hit when we got married and we both had a completely different way of 'filing' things. J's included ziploc bags labeled with the months of the year which were then thrown into a box labeled with the year. Mine included file folders and binders and labels and other anally organized type things, but I didn't know how to get him on board and knew it was probably a 'meet in the middle' type solution. But I think we've figured it out. On our computer desk we have a bunch of file folders and that is where important papers go:

'the files'

If a paper comes along and doesn't fit into the files we have there, it gets thrown into 'the basket' which then gets dealt with by me every few weeks when I transfer the receipts and bills from the file folders and 'the basket' into 'the binder':

'the basket'

We've moved from 'Honey, where is the receipt for ____?" to "Honey, where is...never mind. I will check the file folder and basket." because he's also the one who's filing things now and 'knows' where things are and doesn't get frustrated with me and I don't get frustrated with him. Makes things simple for us.

What works for you?


For other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two
Simplifying Things: Part Three
Simplifying Things: Part Four
Simplifying Things: Part Five
Simplifying Things: Part Six
Simplifying Things: Part Seven
Simplifying Things: Part Eight

Baby Dreaming: Books and Websites

So, this week I was going to write blog entries that have to do with 'baby dreaming', but I have fallen a little behind. I suppose a late start is better than no start at all.

So, what is Baby Dreaming: Dreaming of becoming pregnant, pregnancy, baby products, etc. etc. The reason the posts are called Baby Dreaming, is because they are just that. Dreaming of baby. Not that I am pregnant...just dreaming, reading, researching, and talking to moms who have some experience and have learned what works and what doesn't work for them. So that is what these posts are about: Baby Dreaming.

So, help me out here. If you've had babies, are expecting, or baby dreaming like I am, what are some books and websites that you have found useful? There is so much to learn and who better to learn from then those who have gone this journey before or are on the journey right now.

These are a few of my favourites right now:

Fertility Gal - for charting my basal body temperature and other symptoms.
Baby Center - for useful info on all aspects of preconception, conception and beyond.
Ohdeedoh -for nursery and children's rooms design ideas.
What to Expect Before You're Expecting - The book to read before the journey of pregnancy begins and what's great about it is that there are little sections throughout the book that are marked off for Daddy to read. PERFECT.

Simplifying Things Part Eight

One of the most recent things that we have done in regards to simplifying things financially for us, is to research credit cards and find one that works in our favour the best. We finally found one that has an excellent Air Miles deal attached to it, so we are really conscious to use this credit card and then go home and pay off whatever we bought immediately. You see normally we would use cash or debit, but this way we get the Air Miles points, which are often double or triple what they would be otherwise. We are sure to quickly pay off the item we purchased so as not to collect any interest. The point is to collect Air Miles in the hopes of flying home for Christmas .

For other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two
Simplifying Things: Part Three
Simplifying Things: Part Four
Simplifying Things: Part Five
Simplifying Things: Part Six
Simplifying Things: Part Seven

Simplifying Things Part Seven

I think I've kept a day planner since my first year of University and as a teacher, I always needed a plan for my day. Even if it was just one word scribbled down for a certain class period of the day. That one word triggered the rest of the lesson that I had already prepared ahead of time. I need those little triggers or reminders.

When I got married I realized that I married someone who doesn't write things down and thus, forgets a lot of appointments or plans he has made. About a year ago I started putting a calendar sheet on the fridge and every time J mentions something I just quietly jot it down on the calendar. In the past year he has come to use this calendar more than I do. I was surprised to find that he had stuck his dentist appointment sticker reminder on the August page on the fridge months ago already. This really seems to work for us.

I go to this website and print the calendar pages that work for us. Of course you can use a regular calendar, but I wanted something a little more compact that would fit on our fridge, so this works great for that purpose.


For other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two
Simplifying Things: Part Three
Simplifying Things: Part Four
Simplifying Things: Part Five
Simplifying Things: Part Six

Simplifying Things Part Six

Do the zillions of cups piling up on your kitchen counter throughout the day drive you batty? Well, they drive me crazy and we are only TWO people in our household. The worst of it is that 99% of the cups are mine. I have a problem when it comes to water glasses. I admit it. They are everywhere. My Dad can attest to my issue. Growing up it would drive him crazy to find glasses half filled with water around the house. I never completely drink a glass of water. I leave a little in there and forget where I leave it so get another one. I know. It makes no sense. It's just one of my strange quirks.

Last week I was exasperated at the amount of glasses and cups on the kitchen counter and around the house and then I remembered how, growing up, my parents got us each a large plastic cup. Each of us got a cup in a different colour and this was OURS to use. All other glasses and cups were to be used at meals. So, I hauled out our camping dishes and found different coloured plastic cups and am working on sticking to ONE cup a day for my water.

Hoping this simplifies things.

For other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two
Simplifying Things: Part Three
Simplifying Things: Part Four
Simplifying Things: Part Five

Yard boy, where art thou?

Can I just say that I need a 'yard boy'? This mowing around construction piles is driving me bonkers. And the weed whipper? It doesn't 'whip' and drives me CRAZY. I thought J could fix it for me, but it too causes some special words to come out of my husband's usually very clean mouth. Forget the trimming. I am DONE. Yard boy, where art thou?

(Maybe this is part of the "Simplifying Things' posts and the outcome is: LET THE GRASS AND EDGES OF THE LAWN GROW UNRULY JUST BECAUSE THAT IS SIMPLER!! Okay, so maybe that is NOT how it's supposed to work, but it would be nice.)

Remembering an Angel

I didn't post about this earlier because I think I was just keeping it in my heart and cherishing it there for a while.


July 12, 2009. The due date of our angel. We were flying home from our trip to Costa Rica on this day, but I didn't forget. I couldn't. I quietly remembered by myself. My hands blindly rubbed my mostly flat belly ("mostly flat" because a few too many piña coladas took care of the completely flat belly) and carefully reflected over the past months and all that wasn't and isn't to be. After moments of reflection I realized that there were so many incidents of healing that came up over the past 9 months that I was left in a good space on 'her' due date. A space that has left me looking forward. Yes, I take the moments to remember and think of 'her' (of course we don't know if the baby was a boy or a girl, but in my heart the baby always was a little girl) every day and am reminded of 'her' every day, but not in a sad way anymore. It is good to remember. I will always remember.

Simplifying Things: Part Five

Today was supposed to be the last day of these Simplifying Things blog entries, but I've received several requests to keep them going. So, for next week I will continue on with a daily entry on Simplifying Things, but still go ahead with my plan of writing a 'Baby Dreaming' entry each day as well. As I was sitting here sipping my delicious Costa Rican Cafe con Leche, I realized that my 'Baby Dreaming' entries all fit into the Simplifying Things category as well, but no fear...for those of you not on the baby dreaming road right now, I'll keep the regular Simplifying Things entries going as well. Oh the perks of having a bit more time to do these little extras while unemployed and looking for a job.

• Socializing - J and I LOVE to go out and try new restaurants and exotic foods, but going out can quickly add up and eat up your budget before you even realized it happened. So, we've been having people 'over' instead of going 'out'. One way to make it a bit more fun than the usual lasagna and garlic bread meal is that we pick a theme. For example, when we were visiting my dear sister and brother-in-law we decided not to eat out and stayed in and cooked Mexican TOGETHER. All four of us in the kitchen chopping, slicing, and sipping wine together. It was so much fun and so delicious:
  
  Another time friends of ours wanted to have a potluck, so we decided to have each couple bring a dish that reflected one of their nationalities. It was quite the amazing meal: Gieso and Chipa Guazu from Paraguay. A delicious Norwegian salad and Polish blueberry perogies and ice cream for dessert. So much fun and so much more economical.

Stay tuned for more Simplifying Things posts starting this coming Monday and also the new Baby Dreaming posts...


For this week's other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two
Simplifying Things: Part Three
Simplifying Things: Part Four

Simplifying Things: Part Four

• Recycle. Magazines: I love them. I especially love magazines that have to do with scrapbooking and creating, but they are expensive. It adds up to get a magazine at the grocery store every week or two and I can't seem to get myself to do this. For a few years I was blessed to be able to order subscriptions at a 'teacher's rate', but that too came to an end. That was when I realized that I have several different magazine subscriptions from five years back and they have some really great ideas to re-visit. So that is what I am doing--recycling old subscriptions. This month is July, so I have been going through the old July magazines and finding all sorts of ideas and inspiration that were hidden in a dusty box in the basement. Here is what my "magazine recycling store" looks like:

(click on image to enlarge)

What are you recycling in order to simplify things?


For this week's other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two
Simplifying Things: Part Three

Simplifying Things: Part Three

• Be Creative: How are you being creative in living a life where we try to simplify things? Three things come to mind for me:
  
  
  1. Homemade Iced Tea - Instead of buying the iced tea crystals in the store, I use a home made iced tea recipe that we grew up with. It's simple and delicious and I've learned not to apologize when we have guests over that it's 'homemade' because 99% of the time THAT is the beverage that disappears first. Homemade is often 'better'. Here's the original recipe: Place 4 cups of sugar in a large bowl. Throw in 16 tea bags (I use the cheapest no name brand kind). Add 8 cups of boiling water. Stir and let the tea steep for a while (I just leave it on the counter until I remember to take the tea bags out and transfer the syrup to a container and put it in the fridge). To make the iced tea, take 1.5- 2 cups of syrup into a 2litre pitcher and fill with cold water. THAT is the original recipe. I have changed it up a bit over the years. I sometimes put in 8 regular tea bags and 8 herbal tea bags (strawberry/kiwi is yummy). I often only put 3 1/2 cups of sugar and/or add 1/4 cup of lemon juice to the syrup to make it have a lemony taste (but only when I use regular tea bags). Also, a bit of a note: 1 batch of syrup = 8 litres of iced tea.
     
     
  2. Microwave Popcorn: Maybe everyone knows this trick already, but I had never heard of it until this past week when we ran out of Orville's Microwave Popcorn and realized we never bought an air popper with our wedding money. I didn't want the greasy stove top popped popcorn and was shocked to find J making his own microwave popcorn using a regular old brown paper lunch bag:
     
     
     
  3. Homemade cards: Instead of spending 3-6 dollars (or more) on birthday cards or thank you cards that will land up in the land fill or recycle bin eventually anyhow (unless you're a "card keeper"), I lean towards making my own cards, or buying boxes of variety cards on sale. It's nice to have a card drawer, ready for any occasion that might come up:
     
     
     

What are some of YOUR creative ways to simplify things in these times of economic uncertainty?

For this week's other Simplifying Things posts, see these links:
Simplifying Things: Part One
Simplifying Things: Part Two

Simplifying Things: Part Two

Today is day two of my Simplifying Things blog entries this week.

(click image to enlarge)

• Being a Good Detective:
  

I LOVE my Victoria's Secret Lotions and Body Butters. I LOVE my Bath and Body Works moisturizers. I just do...BUT they really aren't that economical and until recently I had to bug friends south of the 49th parallel to mail them to me.I am finding that there are so many 'scent free' buildings around right now, you can't use the beautifully scented lotions anyhow. So, I tried to find an economical lotion and shaving cream that still does the job just as well as the name brand stuff that I loved so dearly. I started to buy little samples of various store brand lotions and shaving creams and found that most were too watery and then one day when I was totally out of my Victoria's Secret lotion, I grabbed J's lotion he uses after shaving: Life Essentials Aloe After Sun Moisturizer for after sun or bath from Shoppers Drug Mart. I loved it. LOVE IT. The trick is finding it because I have found that they seem to only stock it in summer when their sun screen aisle is well stocked. Last week I went and picked up two and they were on sale for...wait for it: $3.99. Talk about being a good detective. It doesn't have a strong scent and is rich and creamy. Feels JUST like my favourite Victoria's Secret moisturizers.

A few other products that we lean towards around here:
Health Balance Cold and Sinus Caplets from Costco vs. Advil Cold and Sinus
Life Brand Acetaminophen vs. Tylenol
Equate Brand Shaving Cream vs. Gillette Satin Care
Equate Face Wash vs. Neutrogena Face Wash

How have you been a great detective? Which store brand products do you find work just as well or better as the 'real thing'? Share your finds. I'd love to add more to our growing list of new discoveries.

(and of course there are some items where I just can't go away from the name brand items. For me that would be feminine products. Just can't do it.)

For this week's other Simplifying Things posts, see this link:
Simplifying Things: Part One

Simplifying Things: Part One

How are you being economically wise in these days of economic uncertainty? This is a question I have thought about quite a bit in the past number of months as we watch things a little more carefully while we see people around us struggle a bit more than they may have even just a year ago. Being in a place of unemployment myself right now, I try to make some day to day choices to help us along so that we can still enjoy life instead of skimping and scraping constantly. And guess what? It's really not that difficult! This week I am going to try to share one or two simplifying ideas that we use in our life. Here are today's simplifying things ideas. The two that I think set the foundation for us:

• Budgeting (and sticking to it) - About a year and a half ago we took a financial course that really helped us to watch the cash flow going on in our lives every month. We met with a financial adviser and put a plan into place. One thing that has really helped us, is taking out a certain amount of cash at the beginning of the month for various aspects of our day to day living and keeping this cash in the envelopes. Once the cash is gone that portion of the budget is used up. Most of it remains in our bank account, but groceries, dates, blow money, etc. all makes into into our handy little envelope carrier:
  
  
  
  
  (You don't need this fancy envelope system. Most of ours are in recycled envelopes, but this system is kept in my purse for the day to day stuff and is quite handy to have)
  

• Menu Planning - Each month I jot down menu ideas for the month that help me create our monthly shopping trip to Costco and Super Store. I get all the items we'll need for our menu and only have to go back to the grocery store every week or two for fresh produce and milk products. I've used many, many different types of menu planning tools and often just go back to the piece of scrap paper and jot down my list. Just because a menu item is on for a certain day does not mean it is written in stone. Things get switched around constantly. The idea is to have the groceries on hand and the menu ideas there so that it not only saves you money and time because you're not running to the grocery store daily, but it keeps me from thinking 'what's gonna be for dinner tonight?' all day long. Today, for example it says we are having pizza for dinner, but it is too hot to get the oven going today, so we are having chicken breast and roasted potatoes/vegetables on the BBQ instead. Keeping the heat outside.

(click on image to enlarge)

(the green weekly menu planner is from the $1.50 bin at Michaels. The one on the right is from my dear friend Monica who shared her document with me, and the bottom monthly one is something I learned from my Mom years ago when she started menu planning.)

Feels good...

...to get a bunch of work done. Our back yard is a disaster right now. We've dug out a section for a garage which has left a huge pile of topsoil and roots. In order to dig up the garage all the fire wood had to go somewhere and just got 'dumped' for the time being. The grass was growing out of control since we were so focused on the building of our new fence. So today, with J's gracious help when something got to heavy for me, we/I worked on finding our lawn again, while J did the hard work of hand auguring fence post holes for the last bit of fence that has to go up:

Before:

After:

(the ugly brown shed to the left will be torn down once the garage is up and we are able to lock it. For now it stores tools)

Before:




After:

(see all that fire wood? It was that huge pile of dumped stuff on a previous picture. Can't count how many daddy long legged spiders freaked the tar out of me while I re-stacked the wood. Poor neighbours who had to hear my sporadic shouts of 'delight'.)

{Costa Rica: A Brief Summary}

Our time in Costa Rica was filled with many activities. We spent one day at the pool, one day at the beach, one day on a tour to the active Arenal Volcano where we also went to the hot springs that are fed by volcanic heat. Twenty different pools with various temperatures could be explored here. We didn't make it to all twenty, but did enjoy a few. We took a rain forest hike as well. On another day we took a boat tour through the rain forest and saw monkeys, crocodiles, scarlet macaw parrots, lots of lizards and iguanas, and so much more wildlife. Then we spent two days roaming the country side ourselves in a rented vehicle, which was a lot of fun too.








One of the big highlights for us was the absolutely breathtaking sunsets we experienced:

{under the weather}

I promised I would write here one day soon and it just hasn't happened. Upon returning from Costa Rica I was hit with post-travel-traveler's-diarrhea (didn't know you could get it after you got home, but apparently you can) and once that settled, I got what I think is the flu (or is it the beginnings of dengue fever or malaria? I guess you never know) and I have been flat in bed shivering, being hot, achy and severe headaches. I've been taking my BBT every morning for a few months now and this morning I couldn't even chart it because it was off the charts, it was so high. So I guess I have a fever as well. When this all settles down then I will sit down and tell you all more about our wonderful get away. Until then...

{and we're back}

We've been back from Costa Rica for a week now, but there hasn't been a moment to spare for updating my blog or my facebook page. Tonight I am taking the time between frequent trips to the 'throne'. Seems that I have a case of 'Travelers D'--a small price to pay for a great week away. The trip was amazing. To get away from renovations, job worries, and life in general was just what we needed. We saw and experienced so much, but also took the time to sit by the pool and enjoy a book and good drinks. More to come later, but here's one of the beautiful sunsets we experienced:

Trust. Gratitude. Inspiration. Friday.

TRUST: I am trusting for favour. I am having a difficult time trusting in our economy lately and so all I am left with is to trust in His favour in so many of those economic type aspects.

GRATITUDE: I am grateful that we have the opportunity to take a week of time for us and explore a new country (to us) and take in all the wonders that will be found there.

INSPIRATION: I am looking forward to the chance to take a lot of photos with my new toy when we are gone. Oh the inspiration I will find in our new surroundings.

Trust. Gratitude. Inspiration. Friday.

TRUST: I am trusting in healing today. Trusting that the twins will heal quickly and be ready to move home out of the NICU soon. Their Mama needs a break from the many trips to the hospital every day and the babies need to be loved on at home.

GRATITUDE: I am grateful that I made it through this school year. Grateful for summer holidays. Grateful for a break.

INSPIRATION: I am inspired to follow my passion. A few weeks ago I nervously shot the photos at a wedding of our friends daughter. My first wedding shoot so I didn't charge anything. I just couldn't get myself to when I didn't know how the photos would turn out. I have been so nervous as I have edited and paired 1200 photos down to 400. I was so nervous dropping the DVDs off and so very nervous sitting there watching the photos flick by on the screen as they checked them out. I was touched when they absolutely loved the photos and was left speechless when they so generously gave me the flash I have been dreaming about as a thank you for capturing the true heart and soul of their family on this very special day. I have been left inspired to look further into this passion of mine.

Buzzing...Fluttering...

Ooooh my brain is buzzing. I have excited flutters of creativity rushing through me. Why, you ask? One more day of work and I am DONE. I made it through. This chapter is coming to an end. It is the beginning of three weeks of relaxation and then the opening of a new chapter in this journey of life, that even I don't have the faintest idea what it will be called. A list of creative things is calling my name, along with an unwritten packing list for Costa Rica, as well as another unwritten list of major cleaning, menu planning, renovation to dos, etc. etc. etc that has to happen before we leave (in how many days, you ask?) in 8 SLEEPS. BUT it's all good stuff. So excited. Loving it.

{the get away}

When J and I first met, we decided that we would go to Europe or go on some sort of 'us' vacation before we have a family. Because of our ever growing want and need to move back east sooner than later, the Europe plan has been put on hold, but we are keeping our promise to ourselves to take that 'us' trip. And it's booked!! This is where we will be staying:


So looking forward to our trip to Costa Rica and the time away. Trying to decide on some day trips (volcano? zip lines? deep sea fishing? horseback riding? hot springs?) but there are so many choices. The most important thing right now? The wait isn't long: 10 sleeps and our plane takes off.

Trust.Gratitude.Inspiration.Friday

I have so many thoughts going on in this head of mine and I need a few hours, a few days, a few weeks (I don't know how long) to sort them out until I can put them down onto this cyber paper in a concise way. So, I though that since today is Friday, I would write my first TGIF post. To learn more about this concept, click on the TGIF image and it will link you to the explanation. I think it is brilliant. It is something I have done for a while in the aspect of gratitude. For a while I would write each piece of gratitude of my day down in a little journal and then it turned into the last thoughts I think before falling asleep.

Trust: These past few days I have really come to a place of peace in the area of trusting that I will find the job that is right for us. Already a tutoring student is lined up for several times during the week, so that's a little start. I am trusting that it will all happen at the right time.

Gratitude: I am so grateful for opportunity to travel. For us to go somewhere, for my parents to come and visit, and still crossing my fingers and praying that somehow, sometime before we move 'home', J's parents will be able to come out here too. When my parents were our age those types of opportunities were not as readily available, so I am grateful for travel.

Inspiration: One Word: Ohdeedoh. Since my head is swimming with baby stuff right now...hard to be so far away from my BFF when she's just had twins, so I am constantly looking at all things baby and then of course, dreaming of starting our own family one day. This is my absolute favourite nursery and it just inspires me sooooo much: Anna's Room.

it's okay...right?

It's okay...

...that I didn't go to J's baseball game because I have report cards to work on.
...that I am so completely exhausted that I am going to choose not to work on report cards tonight.
...that I took a long hot shower to try to ease some of the throbbing aches throughout my body that are merely there from exhaustion and bending over grade 1 sized desks and kneeling down to get down to the level of these children who are saying 'the F word' to each other. (emotionally exhausting)
...that I shared a tiny bit of my heart with someone at school. I don't have to mull it over with 'what ifs' until kingdom come. It was okay to share. It IS okay to share. No second guessing allowed.
...that the ironing is still hanging over the chair in the dining room and it will have to wait until the weekend.
...that the weeds are getting neglected in the flower bed.
...that the dishwasher needs emptying again, but won't be until tomorrow...or the next day maybe ;)

It IS okay...and do you know why? Because I made it through a whole day of work without throwing up. I only dry heaved twice and then spoke fear, anxiety, and everything shame.filled straight in the face and went on with my day, refusing to entertain any shame.filled thoughts or side affects.

It was a hard day. I didn't want to be there. Not a teeny tiny bit of me wanted to be there., but, I did it. It has left me feeling exhausted and worn out and exhausted again, BUT I did it. I am completely worn out, but claiming this whole idea of shame.lessness and THAT is why all of this is OKAY!!

ITIWJM Journal Entry #3: Shame.less Invitation

I am reading this wonderful book and listening to a podcast that goes with it, called 'I Thought it was Just Me' written by Brené Brown and it has been so wonderful yet so difficult to work through this book. Although she had a read-along going at her blog, I didn't get the book in time, and I have needed to take it a little slower. In the tiniest of nutshells, this book is about Shame Resilience and I've talked about it a bit before in previous posts.

One part of going through this book and the podcasts is this sham.less invitation to make two play lists that are basically love songs to yourself. So, here are mine:

Self-Kindness/Common Humanity Playlist
Lifesongs - Casting Crowns
Feels Like Today - Rascal Flatts
I Hope You Dance - Leanne Womack
Meant to Fly - Eva Avila
My Wish - Rascal Flatts
One Voice - The Wailin' Jennys
True Colours - Kalan Porter and Theresa Sokyrka
Weight of the World - Chantal Kreviazuk
Wish For You - Faith Hill

Mindfulness Playlist
Free to be Me - Francesca Battistelli
Lord, I Hope This Day is Good - Don Williams
Easy Silence - Dixie Chicks
This New Leaf - Dale Nikkel
These Things Are Love - Marcel Desilets
The Beauty of Simplicity - Telecast
Taking Back my Brave - Carolyn Dawn Johnson
Strong - Audio Adrenaline
I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow
Pieces of Me - Lori McKenna

Happy Monday!

I apologize for the template issues at this time. My wonderful template provider is working on getting it fixed in the next few days and then the cute template will be back to normal!! Happy Monday everyone!! Until then, enjoy the narrative that puts us into an adventure:

Between the Dreaming & the Coming True

When I was walking the Scripture Trails at Roseberry Gardens last weekend, Ro pulled J and I aside and asked us if we had time to walk the trails with her and find the scriptures she'd been working on for us. Here's Ro, leading us through her Scripture Trails:


Ro had asked us for a quote or scripture that has meant a lot to us over the years. Mine is Psalm 139--all of it and I didn't want to have her write the whole thing out on some gigantic piece of plywood or anything so I chose a few portions, but it was still quite long, so Ro designated a little island on their trails for my Psalm 139 and she entitled it Between the Dreaming and the Coming True. Little did she know that this seems to be a place in life where I often find myself and it brought tears to my eyes that she had figured this out and had even found a special place just for me for these inspiring words to be placed. The sun was not in a good place for taking pictures so it's rather hard to read, but here it is regardless (click photos to enlarge):




And J's on a different trail:

Rhubarb Festival

So, we have these friends that I met the first time I came out here. They are probably about our parent's age and they have a gift for hospitality and fellowship. He's a doctor and she's an eccentric retired teacher with a heart of gold and I loved them the first time we met. They own an acreage just outside of the city and invite people over several times a month. Not just small invites, but throw an invite out and maybe 100 people will show up. One of these invites was last weekend and it was for the Rhubarb Festival. Ro made every imaginable rhubarb dessert and people were invited to come for an afternoon of live music, volleyball, bocce ball, croquet, baseball, paddle boating, horse shoes, trampoline jumping, walking the scripture trails, and visiting while indulging in everything rhubarb.

We were in charge of the bocce ball so we played a game and then I decided I wanted to explore these 'scripture trails' and J joined me for a while, until we came to the baseball game and I lost him then...but the trails...how fascinating that was. Just to quietly walk through the acres of trails and read famous quotes and scriptures that have inspired someone along this journey of life. Ro walks these trails on a daily basis, allowing these words to inspire her and I just think that is such a lovely thing. I walked some of the trails only once and in that time alone I was left in awe and filled with much inspiration. What an amazing idea.








Barry and Ro do such a good job of keeping their yard and trails beautiful and Ro spends so much time painting these words of inspiration on 'found objects' and finding the perfect place for them on the trails. Here are a few of my favourite spots on their acreage:




Such an inspiring evening.

Baby Blankets

Yay! I can finally post this post. Sunny got my package in the mail today so I can FINALLY share what I was creative with a month ago and sent them in the mail. I made 2 baby blankets for the twins' arrival. They will only use them later on, but I thought they would be perfect for cuddling up and watching a little kiddo movie once they are a tiny bit older. Anyhow, these are a pair of fleece tie blankets. I love that they are the 'boy' and 'girl' colours, but with a bit of zip.

One side of the baby girl blanket.

Other side of the baby girl blanket.

One side of the baby boy blanket.

Other side of the baby boy blanket.

ITIWJM Journal Entry #2

Here is the assignment that Brene gave for the first part of the book. My answers are found in italics.
1. What scares you about this journey? 'What will others think of me?' when I share about my shame and this journey that I am on? Will they think less of me? Will my husband be disappointed and think of me as weak rather than the strong woman I have always come across as?
2. What scares you about staying where you are? Getting stuck in a rut of unhappiness when I know full well that JOY is in my heart and it is there for the taking. When it comes down to it, I am not unhappy, but the building up of shame in various areas of my life could very easily lead me to that rut. I want to be preventative.
3. What makes you hopeful about the journey? what would you love to find? What makes me hopeful is the fact that through reading this book and going through the podcasts and the assignments I am finding strength and joy and a resilience I KNOW is there, but just need to learn how to ingrain it into my everyday thought processes. What I would love to find is courageous friends who are open to talking about the dark places in their lives; who are open to discussing shame and the affects of it on their souls and the souls of the ones they love and find a way out of it.

ITIWJM Journal Entry #1

I have started reading Brene Brown's book I Thought It Was Just Me and what an empowering read it has been so far. I got it a little too late to do the read-along with everyone on her blog, but I downloaded all of the podcasts and am going through it at my own speed. One thing that she suggests is to talk about this thing we all have, which is 'shame', so last weekend I was at a BBQ and I was visiting with a friend and I mentioned this thing of shame and guess what? Walls went up. Conversation got uncomfortable and I found myself at a dead end. This was not something to talk about.

This saddened me, because here I was, finally trying to open up to someone and talk about what is going on in my heart and soul and I was shut down. What saddened me was that it was a shut down by someone who is normally so compassionate and caring and such a great listener, but something about that word 'shame' put up walls and we could go no further.

In her book, Brene (I sound like I know her on a personal level, when really I am just a blog stalker and secret fan-ha) says that talking about shame takes a lot of courage. I didn't have much luck on my first attempt and am just burning up inside to talk about this all, yet I am afraid to. Why? Because I have no one to really talk to about it. I want to sit down with someone and have a cup of coffee and just talk about this thing called shame, but I don't have that 'someone' and I am coming to realize that is where some of my own shame is coming from.

I have lived out here for a year and a half and I don't have a single friend that I would go out for coffee with and share my heart with. I have been trying to figure out why that is. I don't think I have come to a final conclusion, but I think that it has to do with this thing called 'shame'.

A year and a half ago I left all that I knew to be with the man that I love and I wouldn't change that for the world. Leaving a few very close friends, has however, deeply hurt me (and them too, I think). I didn't know how to deal with the transition from having super close friends that I did so much with and talked to so often, to being out here in the middle of nowhere, starting from scratch in a married relationship rather than what I was used to (being single and alone), figuring that all out while also trying to find a new job etc. etc. etc. and trying to heal from the change that happened in these friendships and the guilt that came with that. How many times have I ridiculed myself for not 'trying better' or 'calling more' or 'being so selfish' etc. etc. I think that even though I didn't want to and didn't mean to, I started to blame my dear husband for 'making me' (although he didn't at all--it was OUR decision) leave MY career and MY friends and MY family and everything I knew. Why didn't we just both move and start over? So those feelings of blame started to settle in and then I felt horrible about that. For having those feelings. I felt so bad for all that went on with my closest friends and the guilt that I put on myself that I started to disconnect myself from them. It was just too difficult to go through phone conversations now and then and after saying goodbye, hang up and feel guilty for being a horrible friend for not calling more often, for days and days. Subconsciously I think a spirit of fear started to settle in and I was left in a place where I didn't even want to attempt to make new friends because when we did finally move out east then I would have to go through that same pain and heartache again and I didn't want to do that.

Notice anything about all of that? Feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection. These are all created because of 'shame'. So, here I am, left with this wonderful book to go through and no one to talk to about it, ironically because of this very thing the book talks about.

So, even though I am really late in joining the read along, I think that I might just do the 'assignments' on this blog and if it starts conversations via email or comments within the blog, that is great. If not, that is fine too, at least I feel like I have had an audience 'listen' to my thoughts and sometimes that is all we need.

{letting go of what other people think} Part One

(Photo taken by J yesterday morning. Spring is definitely here)

I am having this bit of inner struggle right now and it's one of those things that wouldn't bother me if it didn't matter to me what other people thought, but sadly enough, what other people think of me is somewhat important.

We have decided that I will not be teaching this coming fall--at all--no subbing--no teaching. So when it comes up in conversation then people go to the 'what will you do then?" question, I don't have an answer. I keep reading and hearing 'do what you most enjoy doing', but how do I say that what I really want to do is stay home and be a stay at home mom? People in general don't understand that. It doesn't bring in money or further your 'career' so why would I even 'want' that? I have a career--a well paying career--also a career that has sapped me of all things good--but a career that I 'shouldn't' give up to 'merely' be a stay at home mom. BUT when it comes down to it, THAT is what I want to do. That is all I can think about doing...but it doesn't fit into what everyone else seems to think a woman like me should 'want'. It's as though I should want more than that. But why? What is wrong with my dream? Our dream?

God is a faithful God! He’s called the Author and the Finisher of our faith. I also keep being reminded that that promise He put in my heart will come to be. He put that dream in my heart and He already has a completion date. He can already see it done. Right now I have a hard time seeing it done with certain obstacles in the way, but He can already see it completed. So I keep believing and praying and being my best. He has put this on my heart and he will finish what He started in me. I have to believe that and I have let go of the 'what do other people think of this' way of thinking.

{another love letter from the Universe}

I recently re-discovered this devotional that my parents gave to me over ten years ago. It's a devotional that is no longer in print (at least I can't find it anywhere) and it's coil bound like a recipe book, which I find kind of interesting. There is nothing fancy about it at all, but the words inside are just amazing. Each day there is a love letter from our Father along with a scripture reference. I love this because it is taking a little bit of Truth from the Word and making it so personal through these direct words of love from our very own Daddy.

This is what it says for today. May it speak to you in some deep and meaningful way:

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.
Colossians 1:9-10

Child, let me make known to you the knowledge and wisdom of my ways and my purposes. For my ways are not your ways, nor are my thoughts your thoughts. Bud dear one, I am renewing your mind. I am conforming you to my image so that your ways and thoughts will be in harmony with mine.

Beloved, my ways and my thoughts are pure and holy. They are ways and thoughts of wisdom and understanding not of foolishness and ignorance. They are ways and thoughts of power and victory, not of weakness and defeat. Thy are ways and thoughts of honor and please me, that result in walking worthy of me in every way. They are ways and thoughts that produce action and much fruit.

Yes, child, be filled with the knowledge of my ways and my thoughts for in so doing you will learn patience and endurance. O loved one, I have so much to share with you, so listen and learn. Walk in my ways and you shall bring me great joy.
(May 21st in 'No Better Place Than in the Center of His Presence' by Bob Pangburn)

{a love letter from the Universe}

Beloved, this is what I desire for you. I desire that we walk and talk daily. That in every situation and circumstance of life we walk and talk together. That we share every detail with each other. Precious child, come and take my hand. Walk with me. Walk the paths that I have prepared for you. Walk with me and talk with me and learn of my ways. There is no greater joy, no greater experience than to be in the presence of the Lord. Beloved, I enjoy being in your presence, so take my hand and walk with me and share your innermost thoughts with me.

(Inspiration from 'No Better Place Than in the Center of His Presence' by Bob Pangburn)

{loveliness}

What a lovely weekend. The weather wasn't the greatest and it is snowing buckets as we speak (yes, on May 19th), but there were moments of loveliness: The beautiful white orchid plant that is so cheerful in our dining room and working on the yard with my dear husband--okay that was only lovely after his three hours of grumpiness subsided and the leaves were finally all raked and the 'redneck' mess left by the previous owners was cleaned up. Then we could focus on building the flower garden in the front yard and that was pure loveliness. I finally got the pile of ironing finished, ordered a book from chapters, downloaded the podcasts that go with it, and just took some time to 'be' and with very little guilt attached. I think the biggest thing is that I started plotting my BBT every morning and now I have a new little obsession with learning all about that and what it all means. So much to learn. Another little piece of loveliness was talking to my dear SIL last night. It was a short conversation but sometimes those are the most lovely.

{good things in store}

Sometimes when times get tough this heaviness tries to overwhelm us and negative thoughts creep in. It is at this point that we have a choice. We can believe the lies that creep in and get on board with these emotions that are creeping in, or we can attack those lies. To be honest I sometimes suck at that. Last night I was completely overwhelmed by those lies and I allowed my emotions to take over. Not a pretty sight. I was completely fine and at peace until I spoke with a person on the phone whom I had never met and they were so fake and condescending and rude that I quickly allowed my emotions to get the best of me and in return made myself miserable. In one moment I allowed a person I had never met get the best of me. Someone who has no right to do that to me. Someone I have no right to allow to get the best of me.

I kind of felt like David, the psalmist, as I stood there in the shower trying to get the hot water to wash away all the anger and tense feelings that were bubbling inside of me. A spirit of heaviness had enveloped me and was stealing the best of me. I was angry and discouraged and then I remembered David who, in a situation of heaviness talked to himself and said "Why are you cast down, oh my soul? Put your hope in the Lord." He was saying, "David, snap out of it! Why are you discouraged? Why have you lost your joy? God is still on the throne, and He still has good things in store."

This morning is a new morning. A fresh start.

{learning to embrace}

I have a little feeling that this is going to become my little place to land. My other blog doesn't quite seem to fit what is going on inside me right now. It seems like all that is going on inside me right now is in preparation for something bigger and this place, these cyber pages seem to fit all of that more than my other blog. So, there just may be more posts found here in the days and weeks to come. These thoughts aren't pregnancy related because I am far from being pregnant...but they are part of the road of self discovery, growth, and preparation, so in a way they are about this road 'from here to Maternity' as I need a place to put down my thoughts.

We went away this weekend. J had meetings in Edmonton on Saturday and then we drove down to Calgary to visit Violette and Adrian. Saturday was relaxing (minus the pathetic hotel room we had that had a bed from the 1960s I am sure). The evening at Violette and Adrian's was also relaxing and then Sunday we drove to Banff where we had the most amazing suite at the Banff Park Lodge. We enjoyed an evening out with Thai food, wine and great company. That evening this weight that had been building on my chest got worse. I didn't tell J. I just tried to sleep it off, but by morning I was having difficulties breathing properly but knew it was stress induced. Thinking about having to go back to work in a week's time and trying not to think about it. Pushing it out of my mind, but the more I pushed it out the worse the pressure got until it finally felt like a giant was pushing all of his weight onto my chest with his stainless steel boots. I couldn't make the pain go away, but knew that it wasn't anything major, medically. Finally the pain got so bad that I succumbed to tears and with those tears went a lot of the pressure and physical pain I was feeling.

I then realized that I need not push away the stress or worries. I need to acknowledge them and embrace them. By the time I had mentally listed the top three worries, the chest pain was virtually gone. A lot of the worries have to do with waiting and it is amazing how once I know the outcome I feel so much better. It doesn't really matter if the outcome is bad or good it just gives me a next point of attack. How to deal with the next thing that comes up. It is no longer an unknown.

Last night I embraced a worry and once I found out the result this morning I felt so much lighter. All day today I have been waiting to find out one more thing and each time I start to worry about it, I acknowledge it, embrace it and although I don't know the answer just yet and am still left in a state of waiting, I don't have that heavy pain in my chest.

So I am learning. Learning to embrace.

{good news}

I finally got the results from my blood test for checking my prolactin levels (more on that here). The levels are normal and we are so thankful. No MRI or CT Scan or anything like that needed. Thankfully those wonderings of infertility are empty at this time, so no reason to entertain any such thoughts. Just needing time to find 'me' again and gain some confidence back. So, that is what I am going to do, because really that is all I can do right now.

{i have to believe}

I feel like I am in a fog. I am not even sure where to start on this post and how much to say, so perhaps it is time to just get these thoughts all out onto cyber paper.

This past January I went off the birth control pill after being tired of the whacky things the hormones were doing to me. In February I very clearly ovulated and had a normal cycle. Since then my cycle has been on time, but I haven't really ovulated like I normally do (or at least I don't think I have and I am pretty in tune with this body of mine). I've wondered why but I never brought it up, chalking it up as 'whatever'.

In March things started to get really difficult at work. Nothing had really changed, I was just not coping through the day to day stuff, which surprised me because I have had tougher classes than this one. I was always physically sick when I got to school and throughout the day went through the same thing. I just thought I needed Spring Break. Spring Break came and I felt great. No worries. Just enjoying life, travel, and family. Wonderful. Return to work and those symptoms that I was having returned, but this time that sense of anxiety that I haven't known for a long long time was right there. This escalated until I finally saw that doctor and he has put me on 3 weeks of medical leave with the option of an extension. I am halfway through my first three weeks and today I went to the doctor and the sweet man that he is, had gone through my file thoroughly and found out that I had elevated prolactin levels in October of 2008 (which was normal because I was pregnant at the time) These levels dropped somewhat by January of 2009 but were still extremely elevated compared to what they should be in an average woman, but I was on a whacked out birth control pill at the time, so that could have caused the levels to spike.

The doctor said that we need to see what the prolactin levels are right now because if I have a disorder then we need to treat it. Seeing as I am in a 'stressful' situation right now, that can also cause prolactin levels to spike, so it is possible that they are still high, which in turn would also answer the question as to why I am not handling the day to day at work right now.

You might say 'Well, this is great, then you treat it and you will get better. At least you have an answer'. True...BUT with elevated levels of prolactin also comes the possibility of not being able to ovulate...which answers the question I had on why I didn't really think I ovulated the past number of months. You might say 'Well, that's great, then you know why that is happening too.' True...BUT if I am not ovulating then it is really, really difficult to get pregnant, which is something that we are thinking about in the very near future.

So all this to say that I am scared. I don't even want to utter the words of my little fear because I don't want to walk in fear. I can't. I won't. It's just that there are so many possibilities of what the results of this blood test will bring and the biggest one that I fear is the big "I" word--infertility. There, I said it. So, as I have been researching, I have been finding that high levels of prolactin can cause infertility and miscarriage (which may answer why I miscarried in October)

NOW...I am not going to start walking a path of fear. I will not. I am praying that this rough time I have been having at work was God's way to wake us up and say that it is time to relax. Get my body right. Perhaps it is just the combination of the miscarriage and then that bad birth control pill and then the stress at work that have caused these spiked levels of prolactin. Perhaps finding this out is God's way of saying, 'Daughter of mine, you need to rest. You need to get better so that I can give you what your heart has desired for so long. But, before I can do that you need to take this time to rest and prepare.' Maybe that is what all of this is. A season of rest and preparation.

I have to believe that that is what all of this is.

{healing}

Healing is something that seems to happen over time and just at that little moment where you think your heart has mended, something happens to remind you that healing is an ongoing process.

I have friends who, after their miscarriage(s) had a difficult time seeing other women's pregnant swollen bellies. Up until recently I didn't have that trouble at all. I was thankful.

A few weeks ago we were sitting down to a lovely Easter dinner and at the very full table there were two beautiful pregnant bellies and it didn't bother me at all until something hit me as the conversation revolved around baby showers and so on. It hit me that I couldn't participate in this conversation. Not like I 'should' be able to. I was reminded that if all had gone well, I would be six months pregnant and joining in on the conversation. It put a little lump in my throat, but I refused to let this get me down. I was so happy for the two women who were radiant with joy at the expectation of their little miracles. I really was. I changed my thought pattern and joined in the conversation as best as I could when I innocently asked one of the women when her due date was...July 8th. My heart fell. July 12th would have been our due date. Then it hit me. My flat belly 'should' be as swollen and as beautiful as hers and my face should be beaming and glowing just like hers. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and continued on with our Easter celebrations...

...until that night when I sobbed in the arms of my husband who held me and rocked me and allowed me to cry those tears of healing as I mourned our loss once again.

{waiting}

That's me right now. Biding time. So here are my random thoughts on pregnancy and waiting as of late.

In late January or early February I had this feeling that my dear SIL is pregnant (but had nothing to go on except a 'feeling') and a few weeks later she called to confirm the news. Actually my FIL accidentally spilled the news to J, which happened to be a good thing. This gave him time to process the news. He has always wanted to have the first 'boy' in the family to carry on the surname. So far there are no grandsons that carry on our name and he always thought that perhaps we would have that chance. We had a 50-50 chance until he got the news that they are expecting and now they have that 50-50 chance. It was so sad to see the disappointment in his face...and it took a few days before he was ready to be outwardly happy for them. Don't get me wrong. He was happy that they are expecting, just sad that we weren't expecting first. But then again it's hard 'to be expecting' when we haven't pulled the goalie yet.

We want to wait until we come back from our trip to Europe this summer, but lately I am wondering why bother with the wait? I am not going to get maternity leave either way and the job I have right now is not one I am going to very easily go back to in the fall, if at all. I see swollen bellies, baby clothes, baby furniture, baby toys...baby...baby...baby...everywhere I go.

This biding time thing is highly over rated.

{aux naturale}

I am now a firm believer that some birth control pills are evil. E-V-I-L. I have been off of my birth control pill for a full month now and you don't know how much I welcomed the painful cramps of a birth-control-less month after over a year of having 'fake' periods with almost painless cramps.

I finally feel like ME!! My hormones are normal. I had normal PMS. I feel so relaxed and at peace. That dreaded feeling of depression settling in is GONE. Unbelievable how whacked out hormones can make you feel like a complete whacked out mess and it has nothing to do with depression it has to do with hormonal imbalance. I knew this was all true when my dh wrapped me in his arms and whispered something to the effect of 'It's great to have you back.'

It feels GREAT to be back.

{here's to hormones...}

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog. It's not that I haven't thought about this during this time. I've just been trying to get back to being 'me' through it all. After two months, you would think that my hormone levels would be back to normal...especially since we continued to take the birth control pill route immediately after the miscarriage. Should help keep things level.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I went back to the doctor in tears and said that I am just not 'me'. There is something wrong. I am tired. I am moody. I am snippy. I am not motivated. I feel like depression is setting in, yet I don't think it is because I have had that happen before and this feels different. I said that I wondered whether I just need to get off the birth control and let my body do its own natural hormonal thing. Give it a break. Use a different form of protection until we do decide to begin our family. So, that is what we decided to do after this cycle is complete.

Doctor Langer also sent me for a whack load of blood tests. After the nurse finally found a vein in my arm that worked, she got the FIVE vials of blood she needed. A few days later I had still not heard back from the doctor. I called and they said that everything had come back as normal. Good news, right? Right...except, what is wrong with me then? Is this really depression rearing her ugly head again? It just didn't feel like it was, but the fear of it being depression was beginning to grip my heart--even though I know that fear has no right to entering my life. Knowing and doing are two different things.

An hour later the nurse called back and said that more test results had come in and my hormone levels are through the roof. No...not the HCG levels...I am not pregnant. We tested before I went to the doctor, just to make sure. But with hormone levels all whacked out, it is no wonder that I am tired, moody, snippy, and un-motivated. The plan is to go for several more blood tests in two weeks after the birth control is out of my system and see if the hormone levels are evening out a bit and hopefully my husband has the wife he married, not this hormonally altered psuedo wife, back.

It always amazes me how just 'knowing' what might be wrong helps my spirits so much. If nothing were wrong, then why am I feeling this way? It amazes me how much lies in the word 'hope'.

{just when I think that I am doing 'okay'}

Just when I think that I am doing 'okay' with this miscarriage thing, another thing creeps up to remind me that things are not quite back to normal yet. Isn't that how it always is?

I was feeling rather strange for a few days and thought it was a cold coming on and it was but then I had that dreaded 'UTI' feeling and called the doctor immediately. He saw me right away and said that it was one for sure. A bad one. I was devastated. These are so annoying and painful and I have been doing my utmost to NOT get one of these. I told the doc this and he said that this one was totally unpreventable. It was caused by the wonky hormone/acid levels from my miscarriage. He said that this happens a lot after a birth or a miscarriage when levels start to even out. GREAT.

So, it has been a few days of lots of sleep, lots of water consumption, lots of cranberry juice and many many painful trips to the bathroom. Oh bother!!

{caught up}

I allowed myself to get caught up yesterday. Shouldn't allow that. Not good for me.

We were sitting in church and it's all nicely decorated for Christmas. Lights are dimmed. Christmas carols are being sung with the words projected onto a screen using various Christmas related backgrounds for the words. The worship band says something about Mary treasuring moments in her heart. I get a lump in my throat. A beautiful painting of a babies face is projected onto the screen and we sing a worship song I can't remember the name of. I was too busy trying not to listen to the words and keep my composure. I stood there as still as still could be with my eyes closed trying not to let sadness wash over me as I tried not to think about the fact that I am no longer pregnant. That I won't be treasuring baby moments in my heart this Christmas. I stood there as still as still could be and the tears still came.

I got caught up.

{love that guy}

Today I went to see Dr. Langer because I've been fighting this sinus cold for almost four weeks and it's just getting unbearable. I thought I could do it with my usual way of dealing with seasonal sinus problems, but this was getting ridiculous.

Can I just say that I LOVE our doctor? In the midst of talking about my sinus problems and checking my symptoms, he stops and leans back in his chair and asks How are YOU doing recovering from your pregnancy loss? I got teary, mostly because it was sweet of him to ask and check on me. He then asked if I had any questions and I did. Just to clarify some things that had been on my mind, like numbers. What were my HCG levels and when did they drop and will this affect our future for having children. I knew the answer to the last question, but needed to be reassured once more. He gave me my answers and even showed me the chart he had on his computer with all of my test results during that week in early November. Just seeing that all made me feel so much better. And to hear once again that this does not mean anything about future pregnancies. IF, when we decide to start our family, and I get pregnant again and IF I should miscarry, there would have to be two more miscarriages before we would start talking about testing for fertility issues. But, he doesn't think that that will ever even have to be talked about considering I am healthy in all areas.

Anyhow, I feel so much better having talked to him about these things and knowing there's 'a plan'. Love that guy!! Okay, not in the L-O-V-E love kind of way, but in the l-u-v my doc kind of way. ha

{precious}

Today Leendert and Jeanne dropped by to take a look at our new kitchen cupboards and give us some pointers about installing hardwood flooring. She came to the door with this box that has a collection of plants in it which is super sweet in and of itself because we don't have any plants and the bay window in the kitchen and master bedroom are perfect for plants. THEN she explains that one plant in particular is special. We can keep it inside as a house plant until we get to our 'forever house' and then we should plant it outside in memory of our baby. She said it would grow into a beautiful shrub and our baby would be remembered always. That just meant the world to me. And you have to have met Jeanne to know how special this is. This is a woman who means business. Runs a tight office. Doesn't put up with any crap, but has the biggest heart that she hides behind her rough exterior. Precious.

{comfort}

Just found out today that S and T are pregnant!! Praise the Lord!! I am so excited. SO EXCITED. Trying to be cautious and keeping it all safe in prayer for them. Yes, it would have been so much fun to be pregnant together and I am a little sad to know that that was actually even a possibility. We would have had our babies one month apart. The thing that I love about this all is that when their precious babe grows up, I'll always be able to know at what stage our baby would have been. Somehow that is a comfort to me.

{now that the dust has settled...}

I am finding that J and I are reacting to the loss of this baby very differently. I want to share the loss with people. Somehow it validates what has happened. I feel like I have been left with 'nothing'. No ultrasound picture, no 'peed on stick' with lines on it, 'nothing'. So, did it really happen? I know it did and to validate that it did, and leave me with something, I feel like I have to share our story. It's all I've got.

J, on the other hand didn't go through the physical changes I did so it isn't as 'real' to him in a way, I think. At least that is how he explained it to me. He told his boss and his secretary about what was going on because he had to suddenly leave work when I had to have the emergency ultrasound and sonogram. When we had life group this week we shared about our loss and when we came home, he said he didn't need to tell anyone else. In a way this makes me sad, because he hasn't told his family yet and I am dying to talk to his sister and mom on the phone about it because they too have gone through a loss like this. To me it was freeing to share this with my family and close friends. To me, sharing these things in life brings us closer, yet at the same time I can understand the feeling of just treasuring those days in his heart.

Maybe it's also this feeling of 'guilt' that is settling in. Why did this happen? Is it something we did or didn't do? Is something wrong with our bodies? I am not allowing myself to take that direction of thinking because when you put all the pieces together, there is truly nothing that we could have done differently, but perhaps this is where my dear husband's heart is at.

Someone at work asked me earlier this week how my husband is doing. I told her and she said that he will probably react to it in a week or two after I don't need him to 'carry me' anymore. What a wise woman.

We had our first snow fall this week and it is so pretty out. I have been listening to Christmas music on my iPod in the truck on the way to work since the snow fell and this song keeps playing on repeat as I think of our little angel:



Edit (11:35 p.m.) - Tonight J came and gave me a hug and said he just told his parents about our miscarriage. There were tears in his eyes and I could just see that talking about it is making it 'real' for him. I am so thankful that he opened up to them about it--even though it was hard to talk about.

{our angel}

I couldn't stand it anymore. I finally called the clinic and asked for the blood test results. I just needed to know if the HCG levels were still pointing towards a pregnancy. The nurse called back shortly and said that the blood tests point towards a miscarriage. Even though in my heart of hearts I knew this was what had happened, I was still holding onto the tiniest thread of hope. My heart is heavy. My heart aches. My heart cries.

I went straight to Hallmark and bought an angel of remembrance. I have to have something tangible to remember this precious life with. Once our furniture is moved into this house, the angel will have a special place on our dresser--never to be forgotten.

A letter of love, release, and remembrance:

November 4, 2008

Dear precious baby,

Today we got the news. You went home to heaven. Your daddy and I will never see your face here on earth, but you will forever be in our hearts and I somehow know that one day we will see each other in heaven and will recognize each other. We will run towards each other and I'll get to feel you in my arms like I have dreamed of. The thought of you, the plans we had for you, the things we talked about showing you and teaching you, brought so much joy to us these past few days.

Before 'life goes on' I want to envelope myself in the thought of you; of the what-ifs and the could've-beens. I need to allow myself that luxury. I need to allow myself those tears. I sit here and cry tears of sadness, tears of what-ifs and could've-beens. I celebrate YOU--our very own baby. Your daddy and I are so thankful for you.

The experience of the past week has been a difficult one, yet sweet at the same time. Bitter-sweet. Filled with hopes and dreams and oh so much love. I want to call everyone I know and tell them about you. I want everyone to know about you and celebrate you too. The past few days have been days where I have pondered things and kept them in my heart--between me and daddy and God. It's been a special time filled with hope. Hope that we would be able to tell family and friends at Christmas that we would have a baby joining us around July 13, 2009. Did you know that that was your due date? You would have shared a birthday with your auntie Lori. I am sure she would have been so super thrilled and have spoiled you beyond measure. We had made special plans on how we would tell Oma and Opa and Nana and Papa about you and how your aunts and uncles and cousins would be involved in the special announcement. We had so many plans, precious baby of ours.

But, I know that your earthly body was not ready for life here on earth and are in a much, much better place. Please find Aunt S and Uncle T's babies. They will show you around heaven and make you feel at home. Give them a big hug for us. We miss them too, just like we miss you. We love you and will meet you one day soon. Until then, you are forever sealed on our hearts.

Love,
Mommy (and Daddy)

{ultra sound & sonogram}

I went to the Beaverlodge Hospital to have my blood work done again. I told the check-in nurse that the Health Links nurse had said I might should go to the ER to have things checked out since I am bleeding more than on Saturday when I saw the doctor. She agreed.

I saw Dr. Langer and his student doctor and they assessed the situation and made an emergency ultrasound appointment for me for two hours later. The purpose? To see if it is a viable pregnancy, miscarriage, or ectopic pregnancy.

I hurried home, peed and drank a litre of water before J came home to take me to the QEII hospital for the tests. I thought my bladder was going to explode when the technician did the ultrasound. J was not allowed in the exam room with me. What a strange and lonely feeling, to do that by myself. The technician said that the ultrasound did not show anything in my uterus...either because I am too early along or because I am miscarrying. He said they would need to do a sonogram...what I was afraid of. I begged the technician to allow J to be there for this, but he said that policy does not allow for it--no room in the exam room. Whatever--room for a nurse to be there to make sure he is not abusing his role, but no room for my husband to hold my hand as a wand is stuck up my hoo-hoo--whatever.

The sonogram wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Uncomfortable, but way better than a pap. My thoughts kept running back to that August day a few years ago when I was there for Sunny's sonogram. So many thoughts and emotions as I thought of their precious baby and our precious baby.

After the sonogram was over the technician said that the sonogram did not show an ectopic pregnancy, which is a huge relief. We still know as little as before because the blood tests which would show the HCG levels are not back yet, so we don't know whether I am in fact still pregnant or whether I have been miscarrying these past few days.

Dr. Langer called and said that we should have the results by tomorrow morning and he would call me and we would go from there. Either I am pregnant and too early along for it to show on the ultrasound (baby hasn't reached the uterus yet) or sonogram and bleeding for unknown reasons or I am miscarrying as we speak.

J was amazing the whole time we were at the hospital. Cracking jokes when I started to have 'that look' on my face. When he saw that the Festival of Trees is starting up soon, he said we would make sure to take Jehosaphat to see them. How sweet. (Yes, our name for our unborn baby is Jehosaphat for now--a name we would never choose when it comes down to it, but fun none-the-less). Throughout the day he will lift my shirt and rub my belly...making sure 'we' are okay. So sweet.

{i am blessed}

I have so many thoughts, so much confusion going through my heart and soul right now. I am trying to not make it all about me and remember that J is going through this too. This morning as he kissed me goodbye he prayed. He thanked God for this life that He gave to us and prayed for healing for me and answers to be given as we are ready. After he prayed I asked him how he was doing and he was a little surprised and I reminded him that this is not only me going through this. This is also him going through this. He said that he is trying to hide the excitement until we know more. I said that I have lost all of my excitement and he quickly corrected me and said that I am only hiding it to protect myself. What a perfect little moment this morning. I am blessed.

{a long day}

Yesterday was a difficult day. I didn't want to stay home and be consumed by the thoughts of what might be happening to my body--especially with the coming on of more distinct cramps. So, we decided to go ahead and go to church and go ahead with the after church lunch plans with friends. I sat through most of worship--couldn't find the strength to stand and the cramps were getting worse. I knew I couldn't take anything but tylenol and all I had was advil. At one point I thought I couldn't go through with lunch, but then the feeling passed. Slowly a headache set in, but I thought it was just because I needed food or water. Lunch went fine until all of a sudden a huge wave of extreme nausea came over me and my headache worsened. We quickly went home and I went to bed. The headache was unbearable. Tears. Tears. Tears.

I called Health Links and after the nurse assessed me she said that I can only take tylenol and that I should really go to the ER within the next four hours since I am bleeding more. I called the hospital to see what they said and they said that I should call Health Links and see what the nurse says there. I didn't know what they could do to help me. I took the tylenol and decided that if the headache didn't lessen within four hours then we would go to the ER. I slept and the headache lessened, but did not disappear. I slept through most of the night and by 6:30 found that I had bled quite a bit more than the night before.

So, now I will eat a bit of breakfast and then head to the hospital to have more blood tests done and just stay at the Beaverlodge house and rest for the day.

{the end of another beginning?}

I woke up with the same amount of bleeding as last night. It is now a mixture of light pink and bright red. The band of discomfort around my lower back and lower abdomen has progressed to waves of stronger cramps. I am sad. This could be the end of another beginning.

As I was lying in bed and J was lovingly rubbing my belly to help soothe the cramps, he reminded me that we don't know for sure that this is a miscarriage. Through tears I just said that I needed to be able to 'be sad' for a bit. In my heart of hearts I know this amount of bleeding isn't a good thing.

I am sad. Yes, we want God's perfect timing for our family and if this is His time for us, we are embracing it. I want this baby. J wants this baby. I don't want this to be the end for our little angel. I want this to be the beginning of many happy moments in life. I want the blood test tomorrow to show that the HCG levels are doubling. I want the HCG levels to be high enough to do an ultrasound at the end of the week. I want J there at my side seeing the heartbeat for the very first time. He can't feel the changes in my body, but the heartbeat he will be able to see and experience some of that excitement.

I want so much for this to be the beginning, not the end of another beginning.

{blood tests: round one}

This morning J and I drove to the hospital to have the blood tests done. Dr. Langer said that we wouldn't have the results until later on this afternoon. It is 8:22 p.m. at this very moment and he has not called back yet. Yes, I am a little worried.

After the blood test Dr. Langer's 'student doc' said he needed to do an internal exam on me. GASP!! Yes, I am 31 years old and I have never had an internal exam done. My doctor back home said that I would have one done after a year of marriage. There was no need to have a pap done until then because I was a virgin at the time of marriage and that brings down the risk of issues by many degrees.

So, there I was, in the ER exam room, naked from the waist down, feet up in the stirrups, and butt virtually hanging off the exam table, with my dear husband holding my hand, a nurse trying to be funny, and a student doctor going to be performing an internal exam. Thank the Lord that J was there. It made the world of a difference to have his eyes to look into and his hand to squeeze the living daylights out of. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but not painful.

Following the exam Dr. Langer came back into the room and said that I was slightly dilated, which is a bit of a concern, but makes sense since I am spotting. He reminded us that this is a high risk pregnancy and there is a 50% chance that I will miscarry. My job until Monday when the next blood test is done? Rest. Take prenatal vitamins. Rest. Drink a lot of water. Rest. Don't carry heavy things. Rest. Don't do any painting what-so-ever (sucks when that is what we are up to in our renovations). Rest.

So, we got home and a band of discomfort settled around my lower back and lower abdomen. Somewhat like period cramps, but not as severe. I ate a bit of lunch and had a 3 hour name. The pink spotting is a little heavier and a little redder. I try not to worry. I try to keep the tears at bay. I am not too successful most of the time, but I am trying.

I keep checking online to see if this is normal and for some people this means they are miscarrying and for others it is fine and they have a normal pregnancy. J is at a football game right now. We decided we will not tell family about this pregnancy until Christmas, but it is killing me not to tell my Mom and ask her questions about what I am going through, yet I don't want her to worry either, yet I want people to pray for this little life growing inside of me...

{telling daddy the news}

Hearing the news that I was pregnant brought so many emotions: love, excitement, fear of the unknown and how was I going to tell J? How long would it be before he would get home from work? If he called, would I be able to keep my mouth shut until he walked through the door?

True to form, he called. It took everything in me to not tell him and wait until he walked through the front door...and it was worth the wait. The look of love, pride, excitement, and shock was worth the wait. All evening we tried to keep our heads about us, but we couldn't help but talk about things. He couldn't help but rub my belly. We couldn't help but pray for this life that we created and was growing inside me at that very moment. We couldn't help but pick out which bedroom would be the baby room and which names were absolutely not even allowed to be considered as baby names.

{a 'little person'}

On October 27th, one week before I was to begin my monthly cycle, I began to spot. Dark brown spotting. Just a little. As the week went on it turned lighter until it was pink. So many thoughts running through my mind: I was a little worried that my birth control pills were not working right. Perhaps the estrogen levels were too low. I was a little worried that I have a cyst growing inside of me that is causing the bleeding. I was a little worried that I have endometriosis and then the fear of fertility problems started clouding my mind. By Wednesday I knew I needed to see Dr. Langer~and soon. I called his clinic and the fastest way to see him was to go in to the ER on Friday. So I did. I spent most of the morning there. He had a urine sample done to see if there is an infection of any kind or whether I am pregnant. An hour and a half later, after my mind went through a whirlwind of we can't go to Europe this summer if I am pregnant to What colours will we paint the baby room to How will we tell our families to When will we tell our families to YOU ARE BEING REDICULOUS! YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!!

Finally I was called back into the exam room and Dr. Langer informed me that I was not pregnant. There is no infection and so most likely the estrogen levels are not high enough in my birth control pills. He wrote a prescription for a new type of birth control and I was on my way. I went home exhausted--physically and emotionally. I lay down in bed and watched a movie and just 'was'. Finally at 4 pm I decided that I had better get something done on this day 'off' from work. So I went to the bank and cashed a cheque. While I was there my cell phone rang. It was Dr. Langer. He said that at the end of his shift he had gone to check on the results of some of the lab tests and the urine sample that I had given, now that it had sat there longer, was showing that I have a 'little person' growing inside of me. I WAS PREGANT!!! My urine sample showed the HCG hormone.

My mind went in all directions. Questions coming from this direction and that. He informed me that since I am spotting, this is a high risk pregnancy. That I should come in for blood tests tomorrow morning to check my iron levels, HCG level, etc. Then in 48 hours (on Monday) we would perform the same blood test again to see if the HCG levels were rising (proving that the pregnancy is progressing). If the levels are rising then an ultrasound would be done later on in the week to make sure that the pregnancy is in-uterine, how far along I am, and make sure that there is a heartbeat.

{the plan}

J and I were married on March 8, 2008 and went into our marriage with 'a plan'. The plan was to spend the first year of marriage focusing on 'us' and our marriage~to build as firm a foundation as we could.

We decided that I would be on birth control for just over a year, spend a few weeks in the summer of 2009 exploring the vineyards of Europe and then come home and begin our family. This was 'our' plan~knowing full well that God may have another plan~a better plan. We agreed that if we should get pregnant before this time, we would welcome the pregnancy with open arms and embrace it as God's perfect timing.

In July of 2007 I was extremely tired, nauseous, sore boobs, and wondering whether I might be pregnant. I didn't want to get a home pregnancy test, because I didn't want this to become habit--getting a test every time I thought I felt a symptom. Then in early August I started bleeding heavily and I wondered whether perhaps I was pregnant and miscarrying. I could not get on with the doctor until a few weeks later and he confirmed that according to my symptoms, it had most likely been an early miscarriage. Dr. Langer and I discussed the plan that J and I had for starting a family. He suggested we come in in March of '09 and begin talking and planning together with him.

For the next few days I mourned the loss of what most likely was our first little angel. In my heart I knew that I had been pregnant. In my heart I mourned the loss of a baby that I would one day see in heaven.

{the journey}

This is our journey. My thoughts on dreaming of becoming a mother, the winding road to pregnancy, miscarriage, and one day the birth of our children. As in any journey there are winding roads, crossroads, times of getting lost, finding our way again, and through it all a sense of self discovery. This is the story of me becoming me: the woman, wife, and one day the mother God wants me to be.

My husband (J) and I were married in March of 2008 and having gotten married in our 30s we decided that we wouldn't wait too long to try to start a family. We did decide, however, that having at least a year of marriage under our belts, would be a wise decision.

Eight months into our marriage we found out that God had other plans. Although we were using a contraceptive, I was pregnant. We were shocked, filled with joy and anticipation, even though this was a surprise to us. A heavenly surprise.

Within days of finding out that we were expecting, I began having miscarriage symptoms and we lost our miracle to heaven.

It was through this roller coaster ride of an experience that this blog was started. A place for me to fall and learn to pick myself up again as we mourned the loss of our baby.

Often we ask the question "WHY??" and sometimes we just can't seem to find the answers, but it is so comforting to know that we have a Father who is there to hold us and carry us in these times of great sorrow.

Now we are in this place of 'waiting' as we wait on God's perfect timing for a family.